Stalker Chronicles

A Memory Part 1

2009-04-26T09:49:00.001+08:00

In college, I often brought two umbrellas. There's always a girl in campus who forgot to bring hers and you never know when it'll rain.

All It Takes...

2009-03-25T06:15:00.001+08:00

On some days, you're simply looking for a compliment... from the right person.

Confidence, Or Lack Of It

2009-03-21T13:50:00.001+08:00

I just realized I'm someone who needs constant words of reassurance. Failing that, the demons start attacking.

Confused

2009-03-20T09:14:00.002+08:00

On some days, I feel like an idiot. I can only hope in the bigger scheme of things, there's not a lot of those.

A Change of Scenery

2009-03-18T08:41:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, you need to do an activity that's vastly different from your current train of thought. It could be a hobby or a monotonous task. Mine is running. It gets me out of the house, see the sights, and exercises my physical muscles.

When I get back home, the problems might still be there, but I'm looking at it from a fresh perspective.

A Beautiful Name

2009-03-17T07:23:00.004+08:00

I just realized the other day that my current crush has a beautiful name in the sense that it's wonderful to pronounce. Her first name and last name has a certain alliteration thanks to hard consonants. Unfortunately, in this tug of war between what's private and public, the former wins out.

What interests me about names is that they're part of Philippine society. Even with naming conventions, there's a clear divide. For example, most Filipinos have names derived from Spanish, Maria Theresa being one of the more common female names. So far, I haven't met any Filipino-Chinese whose first name is derived from Spanish (although I have met some Maria Theresa's). It's always Western: John instead of Juan, Peter instead of Pedro. I'm sure there are exceptions but majority of the Filipino-Chinese will take their names from Western sources.

And then there's the occasional weird but beautiful name. My first crush's name was Erin and that's a rarity. Even more interesting was her nickname, which was Nissie. I don't know which is better, although there's something demure about Erin (the reality however is something entirely different).

Going back to my present crush, well, her full name is a unique package and again, if nothing else, it's wonderful to pronounce. There's probably even something metaphorical in it.

The Curse of the Imagination

2009-03-17T07:02:00.006+08:00

Sometimes, a lot of heartbreak is self-inflicted in the sense that what causes it is what you imagine rather than actually what happens.

For example, my crush is honestly just an acquaintance. I brought up the concept of falling in love with a phantom because when it comes to the details I don't know (or even those that I know), I invent them and become attracted to that part. That's how some people "fall out of love," when they actually meet their crush and find them to be the opposite of what they imagined (or fall short of their standards). And honestly, no one's telling you to fill in these gaps. But I think it's normal human curiosity to fantasize and create these "phantoms" in much the same way the Greeks created their pantheon.

And then there's the fear that arises from lack of communication. Again, these are all imagined. It might be the boyfriend who starts worrying because his girlfriend isn't responding to his calls or text messages (never happened to me because I never had a girlfriend in the first place). Or a wife worried because her husband is late (i.e. is he having an affair?). And this isn't limited to lovers. It could be anyone in a relationship, such as parents and their children (i.e. why didn't you immediately come home from school? You could have been kidnapped!). These worries tend to be flights of fancy, unlikely possibilities, and it's our creativity that gives rise to them.

Oh, and the one time our fears are actually true, we expect that all the rest to become true as well.

You do know that the stereotype of the writer is that they have fertile imaginations right? I wonder what they're thinking of their absent significant other right now.

The Irrationality-Powered Engine

2009-03-16T05:45:00.008+08:00

The euphoria of falling in love (as in the love-at-first-sight kind of love as opposed to the let's-get-married type) isn't logical. We might rationalize it afterwards (i.e. it was her eyes...) but more often than not, the experience is an ambush, something you didn't expect and you're abandoned to deal with the consequences.

It's amazing how our body reacts to such a state. You're confused and you act in the most unexpected of ways. Even more interesting is the enzymes and chemicals that our bodies secrete. Whether it's the ecstasy or the depression kicking in, you transcend your normal limits. You might subsist on little food and little sleep. You shrug off concerns that would otherwise alarm you. You manage to accomplish physical feats such as jogging that extra mile or lifting a few additional pounds.

For good or for ill, this heightened state doesn't last long. It goes as easily as it came. I mean no matter how much you will it, it won't suddenly manifest itself (or go away). For me, it's like attempting to trap lightning in a bottle. Some things, however, cannot be tamed.

"There Are Other Fishes in the Sea"

2009-03-16T05:23:00.003+08:00

It might seem like a consoling statement but it's not. Imagine entering a restaurant and you browse through the menu. You're hesitant as to what to order and after much deliberation, you settle for the prime-rib steak which is the house's specialty. You anticipate tasting the juicy meat and your mouth salivates. You tell the wait your order and he tells you it's unavailable.

At this point, anything else is damage control. That's not to say you can't enjoy the rest of your meal but you're not content when the waiter says "We don't have it sir/madam but there are other delicacies in the menu." It's simply not the same and your heart feels just as gutted. That's like saying the other person can easily be replaced when they're not. People are unique.

The Moment in Between

2009-03-16T04:06:00.000+08:00

Throughout the decades, there's been numerous technlogical innovations that have facilitated communication: mobile phones, email, chat rooms, Twitter/Plurk, etc. In certain ways, it facilitated relationships (i.e. a phone call as opposed to mailing a letter to someone thousands of miles away) but the anxiety is still there. It could be the email that's unanswered for the past few days, the text message reply that didn't arrive in the next 10 seconds, or the lack of a Twitter response despite the other person updating his or her Twitts. Those moments of anticipation seems like an eternity and one's reaction is exaggerated. All sorts of suspicions start to creep in--and I'm not saying they aren't true--such as thinking that the other person is angry at you, cheating on you, or finally lost interest in you.

There are times when I simply want people to be direct and transparent but that's honestly not human behavior. Even I'm not always direct and transparent. And sometimes, I simply don't know what I want (much less need) and my actions are dictated by chance and circumstance.

The Replacement

2009-03-16T03:25:00.001+08:00

The moment your heart is broken, you feel like an open wound. You want to patch it up, cover it with something. When a person I know breaks up with their significant other, I can sympathize why they suddenly look for someone else. It's a way of coping, of making the pain hurt less. But it's also not what I would condone.

During this fragile mental state, your senses are clouded. It's akin to picking up the next guy or gal or you meet in a bar when you're drunk. Sure, all's well at the start--you think that you've finally found someone, although in some instances a part of you knows that this isn't the "one," someone you simply happened to settle for. And then you slowly become sober and the shortcomings of this new person become more and more apparent. Perhaps you were too hasty in committing. Or maybe you meant the words that you said to him or her, but it seems so far away now.

I've been to that place and I know that's the point in time when I need to be the most skeptical. It helps that I'm unappealing and no one is usually intested in me.

You Can Never Go Back

2009-03-15T07:09:00.002+08:00

What I miss from pseudo-courting my first crush was the pleasures of small moments: her compliment here and there, half an hour shared together, the discovery of common interests. That's not to say I don't have those small moments anymore--in fact, they're what I most look forward to--but the biggest difference is that the first experience wasn't tinged with dread or fear. These days, I feel like I'm walking on a tightrope, and a misspoken word or statement will cause me to tumble down. A part of me is expecting failure, complete with fireworks and all. So far it hasn't happened yet but the fear is always there.

I could easily describe my experience with my first crush as naivete. Be that as it may, I was embracing the moment wholly, with no thought of what might happen next.

Finding the Balance

2009-03-14T18:13:00.011+08:00

I couldn't quite verbalize my dilemma but I finally figured it out.

When it comes to crushes, there are people who are paralyzed by their fears. Rather than doing something, they do nothing and let it slide. That's not my problem.

In the past, my problem has been the opposite: I act too forcefully. For example, I love to give gifts and I tend to go overboard when it comes to my crushes. And when they decline it, I used to figure a way to give it to them nonetheless. (i.e. leaving it in their bag, in their car, etc.) I've been learning to more restrained and less possessive (that's what it is).

Of course in the same scenario, I've also learned to keep my affections hidden. It's been my experience that once they think you have a crush on them, that's when they start rejecting you. But keeping it hidden doesn't work either. I tried to show affection to everyone equally and that only resulted in people thinking I had a crush on the wrong person. As for the person I was actually interested in, didn't really make a bleep in their radar since how are they supposed to know I liked them?

It's also too easy to make generalizations. One thing I have to remember that each person is different and unique. What might not have worked (or worked as the case may be) on one person may not apply to a different person. It leaves me just as clueless, but that's somehow more consoling than simply saying "I don't understand this entire courtship thing."

Positive Feedback

2009-03-12T19:25:00.008+08:00

Here's a confession: I want to impress my crush. It's not just about looking good in front of her but rather hoping she'll take an interest in me. Right now I don't stand out. I'm an acquaintance at best, someone insignificant and uninteresting. The fantasy is that she'll fall in love with me but that's an unrealistic expectation. I simply want to increase my chances of me possibly asking her out on a date some day.

Dissonance

2009-03-11T03:45:00.016+08:00

For the past few days, I've been depressed. Perhaps not in the way when I first experienced my first heartbreak which led me to subsist on one meal a day and wrecked my passion for anime/manga (and is responsible for me splurging on four dozen Dragonlance novels...) but there's that gloominess and dissatisfaction.

Now the dissonance is that while I occasionally make declarations that "Hey, I'm depressed!" over at Twitter, for the most part I don't like it. Being depressed doesn't stop me from using childish expressions like "yay!" or "huzzah!" And there's little to no trace of it that can be found in my regular blog, which is designed to be formal and informative.

This is an example of the roles of people. We can act one way and perceived in another. And there's several other things running in the background. When I'm at work, I'm all professional and serious (no time to whine and mope!). When I'm with family, I put on a different face. Sometimes, other roles surface (such as depressive me) despite the fact that another one is currently active.

This also brings me to the question of how well you know other people. Despite all your encounters with them, there's that aspect that you're not aware, the side that they don't show you. And when it comes to your crush-who-you-know-little-about, there's a bigger dissonance as you project your preferences rather than evaluate them for who they truly are (which is an enigma at this point).

Secret Journal

2009-03-10T06:17:00.007+08:00

As much as it's tempting to blurt out to the world "read this journal!" there's something liberating about the fact that I haven't publicized this blog. I can spill my guts without asking whether this blog entry is useful content or not.

The truth however is that this is a public blog. It can be searched via Google and I've referenced this blog in the past. Its only defense is the fact that there's so much going on elsewhere in the Internet that why else would you read this journal?

So blogging here is this interesting dynamic between secrecy and the lack of it. I'm certainly more open here compared to my regular blog. My bleeding heart is in front of everyone to see. But on the other hand, when writing, I find that I'm censoring myself, or rather choosing different words and names than what first comes to mind. I re-read my previous post and there's an awkward moment where I try to be subtle instead of stating blatantly what I meant to say. And of course there's the name of my crush.

Not that I haven't divulged personal stories here before. If you look at my blog entries from a few years past, I've more than mentioned specific names and people. The difference is that what I'm currently writing is the present as opposed to the past which I've developed a certain aloofness. I've named my previous crushes before and in fact I saw my old crush just last month. But we've both changed and while there's a tendency to approach her and talk to her, there was no temptation. In fact, she was at the other end of the room blocked by too many people that I never got to talk to her (and didn't regret it).

In this instance though, there's some cloak and dagger involved. It might be something as simple as substituting Facebook for Friendster. Haha, I'm the unreliable narrator.

Predetermination

2009-03-10T04:39:00.027+08:00

I have this feeling that all will not end well. The adage "expect the worst, hope for the best," doesn't really apply to romance. Most courtships, in my opinion, start out with the suitor thinking he or she has a good chance to begin with--or even the hubris that they're the exception that breaks the rule. I, on the other hand, work with a different paradigm.

One can call it an inferiority complex, or that previous failures have caught up to me, but rejection looms in my mind. Perhaps that's why the atmosphere of depression is pervasive around me, an energy-sapping void that drains my interests and passions. What doesn't make it debilitating is that while a part of me has accepted that this entire endeavor will most likely end up in failure, I won't detract from my course. If I were to suddenly have a vision of the future showing me how my actions will be futile, I'll still be going through the motions, not because I expect I'll defy fate, but because there's a minuscule chance that events will turn out differently.

The question I want to ask is whether this is predetermination of a sort or not. You know the future yet you continue to tread that path. There's some masochism involved here and a part of me revels in the injustice and the opportunity to portray a tragic figure. But I'm not here to find an excuse to lash out at the world. That's too easy. The end goal isn't to find sympathy. What keeps me going is the fact that nothing's set in stone and even if such a vision actually occured, there's always that unlikely chance that events will turn out for the better.

It's not false optimism or the idea that I'll be the one to upset the status quo. For me, it's the philosophy that ninety-nine heartbreaks is worth the experience of finding that one success. And you won't know unless you try. There are people who think that they can "game" the system, that they should hedge their bets towards someone they have a good chance of ending up with. Maybe I'm doing that unconsciously but as far as the conscious part of my brain is concerned, I'm not yet at that point where I should be compromising.

Having said that, the next few days, weeks, months, is going to be quite anxious.

Exhibitionist

2009-03-09T03:42:00.011+08:00

For all my attempts at keeping this blog a quasi-secret (I don't publicize it), there's as part of me that wants to divulge the URL and garner everyone's sympathy. If I'll be honest with you (just because I'm honest with myself doesn't necessarily mean I'll be honest with my readers), the biggest temptation is this fantasy of winning my crush over by simply allowing her to read this journal. "Oh, how romantic!" or "I love your metaphor!" are statements that I imagine. Yet the fantasy and reality are seldom synchronized (remember the best-laid plans?) and what'll likely happen is something unforeseen. (If you're a pessimist, you'd imagine it'll scare her away.)

Here's another confession: I'm hungry for attention that I secretly wish she'll ask me why I'm depressed and it's the perfection excuse to reveal to her this blog.

I'm not proud of these emotions but they come naturally. You can call it the selfishness of being human. Admitting them to you already takes great effort on my part. Forget about reading between the lines (there'll always be space for that), let's call a spade a spade.

If there's any redeeming quality to me writing all of this, it's that it acts like a mirror. This is me, this is what I'm thinking and feeling. And at the back of my head, I'm deliberating "How can I use this material for my own stories?"

Secretly, I'm also thinking, don't these blog entries form a story of their own?

Escaping Shadows

2009-03-09T03:17:00.033+08:00

There's only one way to free yourself from heartbreak and that's to cut them loose. It's as painful as setting a dislocated shoulder but from that point onwards, the healing process begins and you can get on with the rest of your life.

The dilemma of the suitor is when to keep on persisting and when to quit? If you're too stubborn, you might simply be wasting your time with someone you never had a chance with. If you give up too easily, you might simply be an attempt away from winning her heart. There's no objective answer to this question and the real solution is a case-to-case basis. Ultimately though, it's not a question of their temperament but yours. Do you still want to keep on doing this or is it time to stop?

Romantic obsession is like a shadow. It follows you around wherever you go and often preoccupies your thoughts when you're not busy. You might try to flee from it but it's perpetually one pace behind you and you can never outrun it.

Sometimes, you fall in love with the pain of being a tragic figure. Sure, it's weary on the heart, but you develop an excuse for whining. Mine was "I courted her for four years to no avail!" and in retrospect, if I was just going to use that as my reason for self-pity, the relationship ceased to be about her.

There's also an element of trapping the proverbial lightning in a bottle. When you're in love, your senses are altered. You perceive the world in a different light, even if it's from a heartbroken perspective. In the case of someone like me, an aspiring writer (I still can't manage to call myself an author), this is the closest I'll get to conjuring a muse. It's usually the extremes of emotions which fuels inspiration. And while ecstasy is preferred, you'd settle for depression over the mundane. The phobia of the artist isn't that they'll feel pain, but that they'll stop feeling anything. And when you're in love, falling out of it is akin to dulling your senses.

What needs to be done is to cut free from your shadow and fly away like Peter Pan. The problem is that the shadow takes on the form of a beautiful illusion and you're not quite sure whether you want to be free of it.

Chasing Phantom Constructs

2009-03-08T06:41:00.022+08:00

It's quite a temptation to fall in love with the phantoms you create rather than the actual person. It requires little effort and you can pretend you're not lonely.

But the problem with phantom crushes is that they soon evolve into phantom girlfriends. You stalk their blogs, Friendster accounts, and Facebook status. You even expect them to immediately respond to your emails or text messages when they might otherwise be busy. And when they respond to someone who's not you, you wonder: who is he or she? Are they close friends? Or perhaps he's really her boyfriend? Rather than shattering the illusion of a relationship, such jealousies only reinforces the deception.

In the pre-courtship phase, you justify this obsession as "research." True, you're finding out more and more about your crush, but is all this time and anxiety really necessary? And there's a certain point where you cross the line as far as privacy goes and you're involving too much of yourself into their lives--even when your relationship with them at this point is just a casual acquaintance.

But just when you're about to give up, the phantom whispers into your ear and tempts you with something more. You know it's an illusion but you don't want to give up on the hope that she might be right. Thus the cycle is perpetuated.

This is all impotent action though. What use is research if you don't act on them? You justify that you're waiting for the perfect time to breach the subject but the perfect moment will never arrive. You'll always have an excuse why today is not a good day to confess or propose.

In my scenario, my fear is that whatever friendship I've gained at this point will be easily lost by my initiative. In this sense, I've become a ghost, trapped in a self-imposed stasis.

The Real Reason…

2009-03-07T20:47:00.037+08:00

One of my motivations for blogging is to get romance off my chest. I wouldn't call it falling in love. There's an attraction, a crush, and a feeble hope for something more.

Since this is public, I will not mention the details. You won't be getting the setting where I met her or her name. And it's precisely because of that why this won't necessarily make a good short story. I want this to be about the emotion and my mental processes rather than a narrative that anyone can appreciate. Call me selfish.

One question you might be asking is what attracted me to her. I'm honestly past that stage where physical attraction is the only thing that appeals to me. Not that my crush isn't beautiful. Admittedly I've met prettier girls (and arguably women whom I have a better chance with) but what draws me to her is the entire package: the way she stands, the way she talks, and the little nuggets of information I've managed to glean from various sources.

The clincher for me is that she's a reader and a writer. Eight years ago, I would have wanted a partner who has identical tastes and aesthetics as I do. Today, I'm still looking for some common ground, but I don't want a clone or a female me (although in a certain sense, I think some people are looking for that--remember that Seinfeld episode where Jerry dates a comedian and proposes?). They don't have to read the same authors as I do (much less like them) but I do want someone who's passionate about the arts.

This is where the self-deception part comes in. I know some facts about her but that's it. The rest is filled up by my imagination. In a certain way, it's like falling in love with celebrities. You know some things about them and you think they're the ideal partner for you. But what you don't know about them might be what turns you off or makes you incompatible with each other. As long as those nuances aren't discovered, there'll always be romantic potential between the two of you--or so you think.

At this point in time, my crush--or your ideal woman as the case may be--will tend to be more appealing the less information you know about them. You project the qualities you want or expect unto them. When was the last time you imagined a trait that's repugnant or discouraging when thinking of your crush? It's an unpleasant idea that breaks the fantasy. If you're just imagining your perfect woman, why would you insert imperfections?

Of course I'm not the person who wants to perpetually live the romantic illusion. I want to meet my crush and get to know her more. What is she really like? What are her other interests? What are her goals? Finding out is a double-edged sword. What if you don't like what you uncover, and this is horrible to those who want to sustain the feeling of being in love. Personally, what I fear is that what if I like what I find out, but all my attempts end up futile?

I'm twenty-six and I've been single for all of my life, but not for lack of trying. I did try to court someone during my fourth year in high school and it resulted in my first heartbreak. During my entire college year, I did court another girl, although admittedly half-heartedly during the last two years mainly because I was already spurned and rejected in the first few months (which involved not speaking to me, slamming the phone on me, and tearing a letter to pieces). But hey, I'm aware that with success, there's always the threat of failure.

Right now, I'm depressed because I can't communicate with my crush. And that's horrible because, well, there's no flow of information between us. I honestly don't know her (and vice versa) and what I instead have is a fictionalized version of her.

Yet the heartbreak and mood swings are real. I'm being haunted by a phantom of partially my own making.

The Artifice of Online Journals

2009-03-07T08:25:00.011+08:00

I miss writing personal posts. It's not necessarily material that's engaging reading for other people (and likely to be labeled as "emo") but there's a certain sense of relief when you write in a journal.

Publishing your journal entries, however, is a different animal from simply keeping a diary and never showing it to anyone. Your post is out in the open for everyone to read and there are some material you don't want to divulge to the world. It might involve the confidentiality of the office, a criticism of someone in your social circle, or outing your crush.

A juggling act is involved as the freedom of privacy and the responsibilities of public posting are at a constant war with each other.

The option to make this a private post and never reveal it to anyone is available--especially with the innovation of blogs in the past few years--but here's an admission that I've always known. I crave attention and I want to be read. I want to gain your sympathy, your praise, your trust. On a certain level, it's personal propaganda.

But another reason I'm writing this is so that a year from now, I can look back at what I've written and observed how I've changed (or remained the same). And I don't want to do it by going through obscure file names and folders, or have to deal with lost back-ups and outdated hard drives.

[Essay] Clockwork

2006-09-06T09:10:00.000+08:00

I’m not a person who’s fond of watches, or rather, of wearing them. It doesn’t matter if it’s leather or plastic or metal. For one thing, me being skinny as I am, watches are seldom a perfect fit. But the real reason why I don’t like wearing watches is because it irritates my skin. I’ve received many watches over the years, but all of them gets lost from disuse. The only watch I remember wearing for any long duration was one of those gimmick watches that would speak out loud and tell you the time at the press of a button. Unfortunately, it got broken quickly, and I’ve never worn a watch ever since grade school.

Yet for someone who isn’t fond of watches, I’m someone who pays close attention to time. I’m the person who arrives at a meeting on the agreed upon time, if not earlier. During a long pictorial in the middle of the evening, someone asked the time and I predicted it within one or two minutes, and I didn’t even bother looking at a clock. Traveling around the metro, I can give an accurate estimate on what time I’ll arrive at the destination, factoring in the weather and traffic. Perhaps one of the stranger habits of mine is that whatever time I’d set my alarm clock on, I’d always (short of being extremely fatigued) wake up one minute before the alarm rings. There was even this weird phenomenon with one friend that whenever I’d sleepover (a sleepover wherein there’s actually some sleep going on) at his house, no matter what time we went to bed, we’d always wake up at 8 am.

It all began with my childhood. School has this uniform rigidness that when you look at it, is strangely militaristic. As anyone who’s been a student will tell you, everyone looks forward to the school bell signaling the end of a class. It could be they’re looking forward to recess, or perhaps right now it’s simply a boring subject, but everyone is unconsciously counting how long it’ll be before the lecture is over. Every subject, however, has the same duration: one hour. As a student, I had to go through one hour of English, one hour of Science, one hour of Math every single day. 60 minutes, no more, no less. In the beginning, keeping track of time was difficult, especially since I didn’t bring a watch. Instead, I mastered a technique which would later hone my stalking skills: I learned how to spy upon other people’s watches. It’s that moment where to others, you’re not looking at anyone in particular. In fact, it seems as if you’re paying attention to the teacher. But what is actually happening is that my gaze is upon a classmate’s wrist where his watch is wrapped around. Normally, it’s in reverse, and I have to flip the image in my mind. Sometimes, the classmate is farther off, either two desks in front of me, or two desks away from my side. But eventually, I would master the technique of telling time accurately with no watch of my own, thanks to my finely-honed spying skills.

Eventually, however, that wouldn’t be needed. Classes being uniform and spaced out evenly, it would soon be easy to tell the time based on feeling alone. Usually, the bell would ring an hour before the class would end, and I could sense when that moment was near. The teacher would see me packing my things early, and then the bell would suddenly ring, signaling the end of the session. Another sad fact is that school always started on the same time, namely seven thirty a.m., that I’d always wake up at six in order to get ready for school. Eventually, waking up at six was an unconscious habit, unless I had slept really really late the day before.

But perhaps what would hone my time-sense to a whole new level was traveling. In truth, I didn’t really go out much, but there were always distanced to be traversed, even if it was as simple as getting home from school. The moment I’d get into the car, I’d pay close attention to the time as minutes trickle away, either from getting stuck in traffic or waiting for my sister to get out of class. I was always in such a hurry because the best cartoons were usually aired just right after school. I’d make a mad dash for home so that I wouldn’t miss my favorite shows. However, various other activities would try to steal this time slot away from me: clubs, dentist appointments, group projects. And so my obsession with time began once more, honing it to a level that seems like clockwork.

These days, I tell time via my mobile phone. However, even then, I keep track of the variations. Time at my alma matter, for example, runs ten minutes faster than the time followed by TV stations. Time at work also runs ten minutes ahead, which makes it a pain to wake up early in the morning, but a joy to get out of work earlier than most people. I don’t travel much, so airport time is still a foreign thing to me, but I can easily estimate how long it’ll take to reach a certain area depending on the traffic and the distance. Perhaps what even disturbs the accountants at work is how I always leave the office at exactly six pm, thanks to the marks in my time card.

[Essay] The Perfect Job

2006-09-05T07:30:00.000+08:00

Ever since I’ve been attending the annual Manila Book Fair when it relocated to the World Trade Center, I’ve been bumping into familiar faces from my alma matter. Two years ago, it was an upperclassman who was working for Scholastica books, trying her best to sell Harry Potter books in bulk. Last year, it was meeting an even higher upperclassman, an officer from the literary org I was involved with, and she was in charge of public relations for the book fair itself. This year, I ran into someone belonging to the same batch as I was. She was working at Powerbooks for barely a week in what seems to me is one of the coolest jobs ever: reading books.

In this world, it is of my personal opinion that there’s no such thing as a "perfect job", but there are certain occupations which suit certain people more than others. Unfortunately, the world being fickle and capricious as it is, few people land the jobs they want, much less the jobs they’re actually optimized for. Take me for an example. I’m sure it’s someone’s dream job to be working in a rock magazine, doing everything from attending gigs, meeting local musicians, and getting free CDs. Unfortunately, I’m not one of them. I hate listening to the radio, and I haven’t really gone out and bought a music CD in years.

My dream job would be something like my friend’s. Her official position is book buyer. She gets to pick what books the bookstore imports. Of course in order to make such an informed decision, you need to actually read the book before ordering it in en masse. Imagine getting paid to read books? (Even if it at times, it’s books you love to hate.) And you don’t even have to pay for your book purchases. (There’s also this aristocratic power to determine what books the public will be forced to read.)

Of course there are also jobs that seem glamorous on the outside, but just as gritty as any other job in reality. Take modeling or acting for example. Most people think these professionals are having the time of their life, posing all the time and getting paid huge sums of money. Well, in all honesty, it’s not that easy. Aside from looking hard to actually land such opportunities, you have to pose in front of the camera over and over again, all the while retaining the same enthusiasm, even if the forced smile is killing you. Not to mention all the time "wasted" wearing make-up and trying out the clothes the stylist has for you. And at the end of the day, there’s the usual hassle of collecting payments and following up on your fees. Did I mention paperwork and filing of taxes is hell for a self-employed citizen?

Of course I’ve also met some people who are more enterprising than most. Rather than wait for opportunity to knock on their door, they seek them out and grab them by the proverbial horns. Granted, there’s a big risk involved in such budding entrepreneurs, but most things in life come at a steep price.

[Essay] Broken Hearts

2006-09-03T23:02:00.000+08:00

It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. A very true statement, although most of us would prefer to have loved and won. Heartbreak, after all, enables us to experience two extremes: happiness and despair. To a person in love, all his or her petty crushes and naive attractions simply pale in comparison. It proves to them that they are capable of so much more, but like most epiphanies, it usually comes at a hefty price. Broken hearts are seldom mended so easily. There aren’t a lot of experiences that can much up to it, and to some, the only comfort is in forgetting…

Perhaps what causes rejected lovers so much grief isn’t losing the chance at love, but losing what they perceive to be as their only chance at it. It’s all to easy to imagine, after all, that such a rare occurrence may never happen again, much like catching a glimpse of a shooting star in your lifetime. What could be more elusive, more ominous? It’s not as if we could predict when we’ll fall in love again… if ever at all.

The only true weapon we have is hope. Hope in either having another opportunity to win the love of that person, or hope in rediscovering love in someone anew. Defeated suitors and admirers despair because they’ve lost hope. We become so concerned about the present and the past that we’ve forgotten there’s still a future ahead of us. Memories of what has been and what could have been, however, haunt and plague us that it becomes too easy to succumb to sorrow.

But another way of looking at things is that a broken heart reveals to us how much more life has to offer. Before we can have our hearts broken, we must have a heart in the first place. It would perhaps be more painful to know that we’re incapable of loving, instead of simply falling in love and having our affections unreciprocated.

Some people, however, don’t feel that way. They think that they would have been better off not knowing the person who evokes such passion in us, or perhaps more importantly, better off not hoping. True, the pain would be less, for in this case, the salvation of hope is also a lover’s damnation. But that’s equivalent to choosing to remain ignorant of what one is truly capable of. It’s like catching a glimpse of paradise, and choosing to forget that such a place could exist in the first place simply because it’s unattainable. We forget that if it was truly unattainable, how did we get there in the first place? And sometimes, we think too little of ourselves that we let our self-doubts assail us with insecurities.

Yes, love is elusive, and there really is no guarantee that we’ll fall in love again, or better yet, someone will fall in love with us. Nothing in life, after all, is truly certain. Yet can we truly blame our predicament? Some people, after all, go through their entire lives never experiencing falling in love. Can we truly say that we’re better off not knowing what it is to dream, to hope, to love, even if such notions are unreciprocated?

[Essay] A Random Book Musing

2006-09-01T08:33:00.000+08:00

Books can be a double-edged sword. If you own a book (or a bookshelf), it makes us feel smart. If we're not as well-read, however, we might enter a bookstore and feel quite ignorant because of all the books we haven't read.

Moral of the story? Stare at books you've already read before. You'll feel better.

But honestly, intelligence, and more importantly, maturity isn't about how many books you've read or know about. It's about applying what you've read and experienced.

Perhaps that's the beauty of children's books. There's no need to prove to one's ego that you need to read a thick book to read a good book. More isn't necessarily better. And sometimes, the message is clearer, simpler, and more concise. Wisdom isn't exclusive to complexity after all.

There's beauty in long, complicated narratives too. It challenges our self, our discipline, our perception, our cognitive processes, and our soul. It won't always be easy, but medicine didn't always come in sweet packages.

[Essay] A "Modern" Paradigm Shift

2006-08-28T21:04:00.000+08:00

My Very Eager Mother Just Served Us Nine Papayas. That specific phrase was taught to me by my science teacher in grade school to memorize the nine planets of the Solar System. I hear that in other schools, the last word isn’t always papayas: Pasta? Peanuts? Pomegranates? Of course it’s now a moot point since as of August 24, 2006, there are only eight planets in our Solar System. Anyone up for a new slogan to help remember all eight planets?

Pluto’s demotion (and the promotion of certain heavenly bodies) is perhaps one of the biggest paradigm shifts I’ve encountered so far. Well, to my peers if not to me. I mean if you studied the history of the discovery of the various planets (and not just their name), humanity’s awareness of Pluto has only been recent, and its classification has always been ambiguous. It doesn’t really matter to me but I’m sure the change gave people pause and perhaps shock, not because it has a big impact on their personal lives (in the way 9/11 changed the paradigm of Americans, or the first EDSA Revolution for Filipinos), but because it’s something they remember being taught to them at school, etched as a fact in their text books not so long ago.

Unfortunately (for us), knowledge is seldom static. As new discoveries are made, old beliefs need to be disregarded and what used to be a fact is now simply considered historical. If that weren’t so, humans would still think that they live on a flat planet, or that the Earth is the center of the universe. Still, Pluto is far from the only outdated model we have of the world, much less the universe (or should I say multiverse?). I was taught that atoms and sub-atomic particles (protons, neutrons, electrons) were the smallest forms of matter but guess what, there’s quarks and I’m sure in the future, there’ll be something smaller than that. A friend also pointed out that Newtonian Physics isn’t exactly the most accurate, but is the simplest way (because we honestly don’t need to know the complicated stuff to move on with our lives) to describe the laws of Physics.

Of course the latest ruckus over Pluto (at least its name is still the same) also shows us that politics will always be present in every human endeavor, even in something as empirical as science. What was supposed to re-affirm Pluto’s status into a planet did the opposite when public opinion went against it. I’m sure there was lots of debate, cajoling, and coercion on both sides. And human nature being fickle as it is, the decision might be reversed in the future, or it might not. But the fact of the matter is that people decided whether Pluto was to be a planet or not, and people took sides. It’s based on scientific information, but there’s really nothing scientific about persuading others to agree with you, or to rally against those whose beliefs you distrust.

In the end, the issue really isn’t about Pluto. It’s about our concept of the world, and how we react when new ideas are put forth. Some will act as the vanguard of old ideas (and sometimes rightly so, because just because something is new doesn’t necessarily mean it’s always right), while others are willing to try out new ideas. We’re the same species, after all, that condemned Galileo, tried to appease Hitler, and voted for our politicians.

[Essay] My Best Friend’s Gay!

2006-08-23T23:18:00.000+08:00

Perception on homosexuality has changed over the years. This isn’t about praising homosexuality, nor is it condemning them. This is merely an observation of my high school, and how that tiny microcosm is applicable on a macro level.

I used to be a student in an all-boys, Filipino-Chinese school run by Jesuits. The dominant attitude there, at least back when I was still a student, was quite conservative, as you’d expect from a school that would segregate its students based on gender. Running the statistics (much like calculating the chances that one member of a boy band is gay), there’s bound to be a homosexual in each batch, especially when you factor in our cramped learning environment (i.e. overpopulation doesn’t only apply to the country). Some schools in Metro Manila will develop a reputation for the tendency to have homosexuals in their student population (i.e. “this school has lots of lesbians, this school has lots of gays.”) but the school I went to didn’t have that kind of reputation. If anything, one of my schoolmates took pride in the fact that no one was openly homosexual during their tenure as a student. At least back then.

Not that hints of homosexuality was totally absent in our environment. It was always there, sometimes in the way you talk, or a certain effeminate quality you had. Whatever pegged you as gay, you got teased for it. “Bakla” (gay) was a very common insult back in my day. Of course while there were students we suspected were gay, no one expected them to act out their sexual orientation, nor did we expect them to admit that they were homosexuals. Denials were the norm.

That was the case for the longest time. My seatmate was clearly gay, although he never admitted it during all four years I was with him. It wasn’t until college that I heard rumors that he had come out of the closet, and that he even had a boyfriend. I don’t think anyone was really surprised (except perhaps my mom, who only heard him through the phone, and thought he had a manly voice and suggested I should be like him).

Whether you were effeminate or truly gay didn’t matter in school. You got bullied nonetheless. Me not wanting to be judgmental, I assumed that everyone was the former rather than the latter. I had a best friend (there I go contradicting myself f several years worth of blog entries) in what seemed like the interval between grade school and high school (yes, I know it’s called “summer break”) and while he displayed the symptoms of the stereotype gay guy (he listened to Mariah Carey songs, adored Sailormoon, and had a fashion sense), I always assumed he was effeminate. I even remember him talking about liking (but not physically attracted to) a certain girl when I was sleeping over at his house. And to top it all off, we did what most geeks, I mean guys, our age did: we played video games, video games, and more video games. Oh, and we slept over at each other’s houses, called each other up on the phone when a new book or anime had just come out, and played cards with each other.

It’s only lately that I found out he was gay (uh, reading it from a blog entry doesn’t exactly prepare you for it). It caught me completely off guard, although it’s not I didn’t see all the hints. But as Gerry wisely put it, it all doesn’t matter. He’s still my best friend from grade school/high school, and we can be our genuine selves around each other.

However, I’m sure there will be schoolmates with whom it won’t sit well with, and to them, the word gay will always be an insult.

Of course the stories I hear about my school nowadays have changed. More and more students are coming out of the closest just as they enter high school, not waiting to graduate before revealing to the whole world a part of who they truly are.

Personally though, I can’t help but ask, who else among my schoolmates were gay? Not that it’ll changed how I act around them, but I wonder how that one fact is so integral to their personality that they had to keep hidden, and how it would have changed them, whether for better or for worse.

[Essay] The Silent Conflict

2006-08-23T22:43:00.000+08:00

It seems that with each generation, people rally to a certain cause or belief. In America, an example would be the discrimination against African-Americans. In more modern times, it’s a lot of things, from gender equality to tolerance for homosexuality to animal rights. There’s an issue though that’s closer to home, but isn’t in the limelight. It’s a battle waged by certain members of the Filipino-Chinese community, but ends up becoming the struggle of an individual, rather than that of a group. The lessons learned are seldom shared, and the fight is renewed once more with each generation. Granted, there are no legal laws prohibiting the cause these Filipino-Chinese fight for, but it’s a stigma pervasive in their community. What I am talking about is the taboo of Chinese marrying someone not of Chinese descent.

Its history goes way back when certain citizens of China decided to migrate to the Philippines. While it’s easy to claim that the Chinese were xenophobic, xenophobia is also a trait among Filipinos. Echoes of such fears and prejudice can be seen in today’s modern Filipino and Filipino-Chinese: the resentment of the poverty-stricken Filipinos against the seemingly better-off Filipino-Chinese, even if this land isn’t their native country, and the superiority complex the Filipino-Chinese have for their brethren and kin, with preference for their fellow Chinese associates. Suffice to say, the Chinese have tried to carve a place for themselves in the Philippines, and ended up isolating themselves (whether by choice or by circumstance) from the natives, hence the existence of a “China Town”.

Growing up in a Filipino-Chinese school where most of my classmates were of Chinese blood, I was always asked by the parents of my friends whether I was Chinese or not whenever I entered their home (or met them elsewhere as the case may be). The same thing would apply to my parents as well, as whenever I would mention a name, the first question they’d ask was whether he or she was Chinese or Filipino.

It’s not as if the Chinese community have been here only recently, or that their culture hasn’t intermingled with Filipinos. You’d think after more than a century of occupancy and generation upon generation of Filipino-Chinese, we’d be more open to accepting local paradigms. Yet in a certain way, one cannot blame the Chinese either. One could argue that the very same traditions and beliefs they hold dear is the very same reason why they continue to prosper. In a land of foreigners, the Chinese aid fellow Chinese. Perhaps the biggest problem is that the present Filipino-Chinese still see themselves living in a land of foreigners, and that everyone else is a hostile enemy.

While foot-binding and arranged marriages have already been forsaken for more modern customs, some practices are obviously harder to shed. As I mentioned before, it is taboo for a Chinese individual to marry someone who isn’t Chinese. There will be exceptions of course, such as if the suitor is extremely rich, or has great influence (whether political, economical, or social). There is even more consideration for a Chinese person to marry a foreigner, so long as the person they are marrying is not Filipino. Nonetheless, for the most part, me and my classmates were discouraged from dating, much less marrying, someone not Chinese. One of the most severe threats I’ve heard was disownment, while some fathers settle for leaving their sons and daughters out of the inheritance. Again, there will be exceptions, but like most things, double standards as well. There have been Chinese, for example, who have successfully rebelled and married Filipinos without cutting off their ties to family. But the Chinese being descendants of a patriarchal society, it is easier for men to get away with it than women. Even more lenient Chinese families allow their sons to marry someone not Chinese, but forbid their daughters to do so. One of the most hypocritical situations but prevalent nonetheless is when a parent is Filipino-Chinese, but the other isn’t. You’d think they’d bestow upon their child the freedom to choose their significant other but no, the same restrictions still fall into place: you must marry someone Chinese.

Individual Filipino-Chinese have rebelled against their families, some successfully, others not. But unlike a group united by the same cause, the attempt merely ends up being a personal struggle rather than one that concerns the entire community. Worse, it’s not as if the public is totally ignorant of this prejudice, yet it is tolerated and accepted. So what if you have successfully convinced your family to let you marry a Filipino? It doesn’t help the other Filipino-Chinese residing in this nation. It’s not even a matter of waiting for your parents to pass on to the next world. Others will take up their cause: your relatives, your siblings, even your friends. They will all pressure you into doing (or rather not do) what they think is appropriate.

I do not speak of this because I will directly benefit from it. I am bringing up this matter because it is a freedom which has been withheld from us Filipino-Chinese for so long. By no means is it impossible to attain, but every step taken forward is an uphill battle, and all for the happiness of an individual rather than a community. I do not speak up because I intend to marry someone not Chinese, but I fight for it for the mere possibility of being able to marry someone for love, irregardless of race or stature.

Not that such prejudice is without its benefits. Such a dilemma probes into the hearts of every Filipino-Chinese as they ask themselves, is this all worth it for the person I love? Such a marriage entails risking everything for the person you are to marry. For both parties, it’s not just marriage with each other, but a marriage with adversity as well. But at least your significant other will be certain of your feelings, if not your bank account. And who here doesn’t fantasize about having a Romeo & Juliet love story?

But in the end, romance need not end in tragedy. Until people are willing to speak up and rally under a common banner, even the most hard-fought cause will fade into silence.

[Essay] Sleight of Hand

2006-08-22T22:02:00.000+08:00

When I was in college, there was this girl I courted for my entire stay as an undergraduate student (well, more like tried to court her for a year, and spent the next three years trying to get back into her good graces). Needless to say, my intentions were transparent to nearly everyone, from the girl’s blockmates to her friends from other courses. This story isn’t about her though. While me, my blockmates, and my crush had some overlapping classes, my blockmates never suspected (short of me blatantly telling them, and even then…). Instead, they thought I was attracted to someone else, someone closer to home. They thought I was in love with a fellow blockmate.

As a freshman student, my heart had just got broken, and I had given up my flirtatious ways after knowing (and lost) true love. However, that didn’t mean I couldn’t the same techniques I used to woo women to gain new friends. It was also a time when I would fall in love once more, but this time, I was a bit more cautious. If I were to do favors for a certain individual, I had to do favors for everyone. Suffice to say, I was still lacking in experience, and the love of my life shunned me.

Enter my sophomore year, still heartbroken but a little wiser. With no individual to focus all my energies on, I had decided to simply dedicate myself to making as much friends as I could. I was in this writing class and my classmates varied, some were blockmates, while others belonged to different courses, or even a batch higher than me. It was on that occasion that one of my upperclassmen caught my eye. I admit I was attracted to her, but not so much as to detract me from giving up on my crush (in other words, my intent was a platonic relationship rather than a romantic one, although I was sorely tempted). By chance (or strategic positioning), she was my seatmate and on our second class or so, she happened to ask me for candy.

Asking for candy is a common occurrence. People will ask it when they suddenly have a sweet tooth, need to get rid of a foul taste in their mouth, or simply for the sugar rush when you’ve had a really bad and tiring day. If you’ve seen me in real life, you’ll also notice that I carry this really huge bag that seems to contain everything from masking tape to staplers… except candy. On that day, I vowed that the next time she asks for candy, I will have some ready.

And just as expected, the next class we had, I had chocolate with me (because you can’t go wrong with chocolate, unless you’re like me and have allergies to it). I thought why settle for simple candy when chocolate is even better? Who knows, the recipient might actually fall in love with me. Anyway, not waiting for my seatmate to ask for candy, I offered her the chocolate, stating her craving the day before. As can be expected, I get the “that’s so sweet” response. Of course I know that if I kept at it, it would seem as if I was courting the girl. Which I wasn’t, nor did I want to project the image of. So I applied my rule of doing favors for everyone. I gave her seatmate, another upperclassman, chocolate too. And then by chance (an inevitable chance), a blockmate of mine passed by. The chocolate, by then, was too late to be hidden. So I offered her chocolate too. And then that caused a commotion as my other blockmates wanted chocolate too. I was hesitant at first, but then one of my classmates said “why are you only giving chocolates to xxx (xxx being my blockmate and not my seatmate)?” At that point, I realized I had the perfect smokescreen as everyone else thought I was pinning for my blockmate rather than my seatmate.

To make a long story short, yes, I gave chocolate to everyone. And I didn’t stop there. These days, when I run into a batchmate acquaintance and I ask them if they remember me, they say of course, and then associate me with giving chocolates.

Moving back to the story, my smokescreen unfortunately worked too well. Even until the very day I graduated, all my blockmates continued to think I was attracted to a fellow blockmate (honestly, she’s not my type and never found her pretty), even when I was obviously courting someone else. And so it happened that when I met my crush’s friends and blockmates, I’d get teased about my crush, but when it gave to my block, I’d get teased about my fellow blockmate.

Well, it did prevent my blockmates from teasing me about my actual crush. But it’s funny the wrong assumption carried on for several years (actually to this very day, until one of them reads this essay).

[Essay] Evolution

2006-08-18T00:56:00.000+08:00

It’s human nature to cling to the past. To many, it’s a comfort zone, an idealized world of what things were like in “better” days. We have many words for these kinds of people: conservative, traditional, old-fashioned. Not that these traits should always be viewed in a negative light. There is virtue in the past after all, just as there are vices.

To some people though, there are sacred cows which appear to be unassailable by time: history and language. Yet nothing can be farther from the truth. All things change eventually, even if at times they will revert to a previous incarnation, for change is still present in regression. It is too easy to forget that history and language are tools of humans, and human beings are always in a constant state of flux.

The historians might ask how can history change if it has already happened? A valid question, to be sure, and the cynical might reply that we build a time machine. But one is not needed. We must remember that history, in the end, is about perception, and there are many illusions that can fool the senses. There is an old saying that it is the winners who write history, and there is probably no truer statement than that when you look at the past few centuries of Philippine history. When the country was under Spanish rule, who do you think was the hero that was praised in the history books? For a period in time, Filipinos praised Magellan for “discovering” the Philippines. It wasn’t until the yoke of colonial rule was broken that Lapu-Lapu was hailed as a hero in lessons taught to children. Or take a more recent view of things. Emilio Aguinaldo, the country’s first president, was again hailed as a hero during his prime. What few people realize is that his betrayal of Andres Bonifacio was easily omitted, until election time came once again, and the nation’s first president pitted himself against one of the most political-savvy presidents our nation gave birth to: Manuel Quezon. Did the facts change? No. But the perception of the facts did. In fact, some of the facts weren’t even known depending on the circumstance. Fossil fuel, for example, might be a boon during the industrial age, but who knows what generations from now will think of it? Poison, pollutant, or power perhaps?

But while there is politics involved when it comes to history, how can something as benign as language be affected? It is tempting to isolate politics from language, but the two are more entwined than most people think. Again, one merely needs to look at our nation. Who determined our national language? There must have been an arbiter to declare that the indios of this archipelago spoke Tagalog, and would later change to Spanish, then English, and finally Pilipino. But one might argue there is a change between languages used, and that for the most part, a language remains the same language as it was. What one must realize that language is just as living and evolving as history. The only language that has ceased changing is Latin, yet people can always find new idioms and metaphors for the so-called dead language. Just look at English. There’s no word that has mutated as much as “nice”, for example. From its etymological roots meaning stupid, it’s now used as a compliment. Other languages are more blatant in their adoption of change. The Japanese, for example, have an entire alphabet called katakana which is used for words borrowed from other countries: terebi for TV, oisuki for whiskey. The Chinese spell non-native words either through their literal meaning, or by how the word would sound in Chinese. And Filipinos are always speaking in Pilipino-English (or Taglish) that the line between what is English and what is Pilipino is getting blurred. And these past two decades alone has given birth to several new words in the English language: Internet, anime, blog. And there are several words that have taken the place of their more generic counterparts such as “Xerox” popping up more frequently than the word “photocopy” for example. Or words that have taken new and additional meanings, such as the word “gay” being more than just a synonym for happy.

Yet people will always insist that what they think is true to be the only truth in the world. As if change is a word that is merely spoken, but never applied to themselves or those around them. Not that constancy is a bad thing: if everything was always changing, we’d be in constant state of chaos. People would have no basis or common ground for their history, and communication would simply be ineffective if we continued to speak in varying levels and meaning. But taking that into consideration, where does that leave us? Are we to love change, or loathe it?

One of the most beautiful and frightening things about being human is that we are walking paradoxes. We struggle against change, but we eventually succumb to it. We try to experience new sensations, but old habits are difficult to break. To resist change absolutely is to die, for only the dead ceases to evolve. But to embrace change wholeheartedly is similarly lethal, for we have lost our identity, if not our physical self. Both elements are warring with each other in the human soul, sometimes one side overcoming the other more frequently. But that is not to say we should always be resisting change. As a person greater than me once said, there’s a time and place for everything.

Constancy can be part of memory, while change is something we might aspire or hope for. In the meantime, the present has room for life, whatever life means to you.

[Essay] Cosplay Part 3: Judging

2006-08-10T08:31:00.000+08:00

In any cosplay event, it is inevitable that people will form opinions about cosplayers, both good and bad. And when it comes to competitions, I’m sure people will have their own judgments on who should win, rather than who actually won. I’m far from a cosplay connoisseur, but here are my thoughts on how a cosplayer is judged.

Of course this article is not for everyone. I mean there will be cosplayers who will attend conventions and will have no intentions of participating in the competition. There will even be people who look horrible in costume, but it doesn’t matter to them (we all cosplay for various reasons after all). Still, would-be cosplayers could find a helpful tip or two, even if they don’t plan on winning. It’s not about being the champion in a competition, but honing your craft, and looking good in front of your friends, if not an audience.

Know the Mechanics

Irregardless of what competition you’re joining, it’s extremely helpful to know the mechanics, especially if you plan on winning. Before you start wondering why you didn’t win, or cry foul on someone whom you thought shouldn’t have won, it’s a good idea to check the mechanics first.

If you’re dead set on winning a competition (if you’re the competitive type), knowing the mechanics also enables you to focus more on what’s important. For example, if the mechanics was 70% costume, 30% acting, you know where you should direct most of your energy. Those focusing more on having fun, at the very least, will know what their chances are, and brace themselves for the final decision.

Knowing the mechanics is also helpful if you’re a judge. Obviously, we all have our biases but knowing the mechanics enables us to be more fair. For example, if we have a breakdown of 40% costume, 30% acting, 30% props and gimmicks, we can easily decipher more easily why we favor a certain cosplayer. We might be impressed by a cosplayer’s costume, and give them a perfect 40%, but less impressed with their acting, so give them a 15%, and just to be fair, give another 10% for their gimmicks, or lack of one. As a judge, if you tabularize it and look at it on paper, it’s easier to see the breakdown, rather than give them an arbitrary number of 1 to 10 based on sheer emotion.

Of course some competitions won’t have blatant mechanics, but they’re still there nonetheless. And as usual, some will favor certain characteristics more than others. Take for example something like a people’s choice awards, or where the public gets to decide on who wins. Honestly, for the most part, it’s really a popularity contest. It could be that the cosplayer has lots of friends, or maybe the character they’re cosplaying as is quite popular at the time. Sure, there will be voters who will be taking the stance of a judge and vote depending on their own criteria (unfortunately which, there is no “universal” mechanics as everyone will prioritize different aspects), but for the most part, it comes right down to who has more appeal to the public. And who can blame them? What Filipino wouldn’t be enthralled, even temporarily, to see Voltes V up on stage? Or perhaps you’re a guy and you see a pretty cosplayer in a revealing outfit. Doesn’t your heart go out to that cosplayer? (And before you girls complain, the reverse is true as well: females ogle over pretty boys too.)

There will also be situations when the mechanics are less apparent. Take a look at the recent National Cosplay Competition’s Online Voting. Aside from suffering from the above symptoms, another limitation it faces is its medium: photos on the Internet. If you’re a cosplayer who has lots of energy and acting talent, will that show in the photo? Not as much compared to seeing you on stage. You might also be photogenic but your outfit appears less impressive in person, or you might have a really awesome costume but the camera caught you at a bad angle, again, that puts you in a different disposition compared to being judged in a catwalk. Even those who focus on producing a good costume might lose out in points as some of the minute details and props might not be seen with the small size and resolution of the picture.

And then there will be competitions where the hierarchy of mechanics is more obvious. It could be a fight scene sequence, or a group skit competition. Sure, we might not know the exact mechanics, but we can take a good guess at which factor the judges will prioritize.

Optimum Body Type

Let’s face it, life’s not fair. Some people are prettier than others, and certain people fit cosplaying certain roles better. And to a certain extent, cosplayers struggle with this dilemma: should I cosplay someone I resemble, or should I cosplay as someone I really really love, even if I don’t resemble them physically?

The good news is that sometimes, this isn’t always the case. There are tons of characters who have their faces concealed, for example, and if you’re a mecha fan, mechas are usually a haven as you can be almost any body type (short of being obese, or too frail of a body) and still cosplay as your favorite mecha.

But when you don’t have that option, what do you do? This is the moment when a cosplayer should ask themselves what their agenda for the convention is: am I here to win (or perhaps as a favor to a friend or a group), or am I here to have fun? Either, really, is a valid answer. If you cosplay as someone you physically resemble, that’s additional points when it comes to the judging part of the competition. On the other hand, if you’re cosplaying as someone who’s thinner than you, taller than you, or perhaps even the wrong gender (and you’re not androgynous to begin with), well, brace yourself for some negative reactions from the audience. But that’s fine if you really want to do so. You can make up for it either in acting (see Costume vs Acting at the bottom), or simply do what you came to do: to have fun. Just don’t harbor any illusions.

Costume Complexity

When I was still active in the cosplay scene, a friend of mine (I won’t name names because… I tend to forget people’s names! But you’ll know who they are anyway, trust me.) established a reputation of creating mecha costumes, and having a streak of winning competitions. Thus for a period of time, there was a rumor going that he was winning through sheer size and bulk (because mechas tend to be large).

Honestly, there’s a better explanation for why he was winning. It’s a matter of costume complexity. If we’re going to judge based on costumes alone, who should win between two competitors? Honestly, it’s not enough to have an accurate costume. It must be challenging as well, at least when you’re up against fellow competitors.

Crafting costumes is no easy thing, whether you’re looking for materials or building it from scratch. However, no two costumes are the same and some are more difficult to make than others. For example, a relatively simple costume (but we must give credit as finding costumes still takes time and effort) would be the student outfit. There are tons of anime characters there that wear school uniforms, and well, our school outfits resembles theirs. At the very least, we have an existing template to work with. Compare that to say, a mecha costume. Mecha costumes aren’t exactly something you can buy off the rack. You have to make it, and experiment with various materials (everything from cheap cartolina to Styrofoam to expensive fiber glass). If you manage to pull it off (actually build a decent-looking mecha costume), both of you might gain the same points in accuracy, but the technical difficulties and visual impact between the two cosplayers aren’t the same.

That’s not to say mecha costumes will always win in terms of visual impact and technical skill. There are other, similarly complex costumes that doesn’t involve mecha. One example would be the priestess variation of Miaka from Fushigi Yuugi, as the costume requires a lot of details and accessories.

Of course bear in mind the key word here is also “if you manage to pull it off”. Some costumes do try, but fall short. I’m sure judges will give you extra points for trying, but who should win becomes blurred as people struggle between two choices: the simpler but more accurate costume, or the more difficult but less accurate outfit. Then again, cosplay competitions aren’t based solely on the costume craft.

On a related note, a similar challenge is present when it comes to group cosplay. Anyone who’s cosplayed as a group knows that sometimes, it’s difficult to complete a team. A group of three characters, for example, is easier to form than say, ten. If the latter manages to pull it off, with great costumes and stuff, kudos to them, even if the three-person group was just as impressive.

Costume vs Acting

Now we come to a controversial topic. Which should bear more importance, costume or acting? My answer? See Know the Mechanics above. People will have differing opinions about this, and competitions will similarly have different priorities.

However, both should be present at some level. It’s a cosplay competition after all. If it was simply about the costume, we’d just get mannequins and have the mannequins wearing the costume on display. It’s less taxing on the cosplayer that way. Similarly, you don’t enter a cosplay competition without a costume. Cosplay suspends people’s sense of disbelief, and that’s kind of hard to do when all you have is a t-shirt and shorts, and you’re supposed to be a big, menacing evil overlord, no matter how convincing your acting may be.

Perhaps the hardest trick for a cosplayer to pull-off is to have synergy between costume and acting. It’s not about being spectacular in either factor, but complementing each other. Take for example a friend of mine who won a certain international cosplay competition as Saito Hajime from Rurouni Kenshin. Let’s break it down, shall we? At the time, Kenshin was enjoying huge popularity all over Asia, so that’s plus points in winning over the audience and the judges. The costume itself was somewhere in the middle when it comes to complexity. Not the most technical of costumes to be had, but neither is it easy to craft. (And my friend had a really good and accurate costume.) And as luck (or fate) would have it, my friend has a certain resemblance to the character (an optimum body type). That’s not what impressed me though. It’s my friend’s ability to channel the character, at looking threatening and impressive at the same time. He even had the smoking part going for him. I’m not saying the acting part was the deciding factor for making him win, or the costume, but all these factors played a role in the final decision.

Of course there have also been circumstances where acting has swayed the audience over. I have this friend who cosplayed as Poe (“Iga” in the local dub) from Shaider. The character she was cosplaying as was popular (as no one had done it at the time), and she had a well-made costume, complete with headdress and staff. However, if I were to be critical, there’s just one problem: the cosplayer didn’t have the optimal body type for the character. She was a bit large and didn’t have the thin, androgynous (apparently Iga is a transvestite) look. However, that didn’t bother her. She stuck to her role quite well, waving her staff and chanting her popular mantra. She’s a winner in my book, and apparently a winner in the eyes of the audience as well who cheered and chanted with her. Just goes to show that acting is indeed a factor in cosplaying, and how it can make up for your other weaknesses.

Lastly, there was this group cosplay that’s worth mentioning. It was held in Mega Mall, and the winners of the event incorporated several wacky and comedic stunts during their act. Their outfits were mediocre, some were even obviously rushed, while others were improvised. What made them win? They made the audience laugh, made us fans enjoy the entire scene. And it wasn’t done through sheer costume ability, but due to choreography, and their sheer playfulness on stage. Obviously, such competitions are more biased towards the play aspect of cosplay, but goes to show how acting can become more dominant than costumes in such a situation.

Popular Characters

Choosing who to cosplay also affects your chances of winning. Obviously, more popular characters will receive more fan reaction than obscure characters, but you also have a higher chance of competing with a fellow cosplayer who has the same costume as you.

Theoretically, cosplaying should be about who has the better costume and acting talent, not who’s more well-known. But life’s not fair, and the judges are only human. Let’s say you have 100 participants in a cosplay competition, and each competitor is from a unique anime series. That’s over 100 anime shows the judges should be familiar with, and the way cosplay competitions are run in the country (that is, registration is usually a day or two before the competition), that’s really not enough time for judges to familiarize themselves with each and every character that’s supposed to be present at the cosplay. Cosplaying as a familiar character gives you certain benefits as well as disadvantages.

A problem with obscure characters is that unless the judges are familiar with them, it’s a mixed blessing at best. All the judges have going for them when judging accuracy is the photo you submitted, and that hardly conveys all the details of the character, much less the personality of the person you’re cosplaying as. Details that you should have or shouldn’t have might be missed, and you run the risk of getting scored erroneously (whether you want to win or lose by a judge’s ignorance is up to you).

An example would be my friends who cosplayed as gold saints from Saint Seiya. I’m a big fan of the show but unfortunately, it’s not that well-known here. The costumes they made were great and there were several of them but the audience reaction was ho-hum. Obviously, such an endeavor was done out of a fan’s passion rather than a desire to win (which I applaud, by the way).

However, certain characters draw your attention to them, even if they’re not that well-known. And in my opinion, that’s a great feat and perhaps one of the hardest challenges a cosplayer can strive for. Take for example the original batch of cosplayers dressed up as Trinity Blood characters. The series didn’t have an anime yet and the manga only recently started at the time. Yet everyone was looking at them, from their boyish good looks to fact that it’s an actual group and they had lots of props and detailed costumes that have never been seen before. I didn’t know about Trinity Blood back then but I couldn’t help but say wow.

Still, it’s a different atmosphere when a well-known character appears, especially when no one has cosplayed them before. It’s happened several times, everything from Voltes V to Prince Zardos to Ringwraiths. There’s a great satisfaction, after all, when you have the attention of the audience, and they’re all cheering for you.

Worthy to note, also, are recurring characters, or cosplaying the same character over and over again. Let me put it this way: even if your favorite food is chocolate, if you eat it every single day, you’ll eventually tire of it. I’m not saying you shouldn’t recycle costumes, but there’s a point when you can overdo it. Perhaps worse is the kind of reputation you’re building, as your pigeonholed into a certain character (not even a role), and your name will constantly be associated with it.

Doppelgangers

Cosplayers friends, upon arriving at the convention, are often disheartened when they see someone having the same costume as them. Me being less emotionally attached (perhaps simply being a spectator has something to do with it), the way I see it, doppelgangers help weed out the weakest link. Here’s why.

First off, there are actually two types of doppelgangers. First are cosplayers who are portraying the same character, but different variations of them. They have different costumes, although they are portraying the same character. For me, it seems that there’s lots of room for flexibility here, and that cosplayers shouldn’t be worried. There’s enough differences, after all, to make you unique compared to the other person. Sure, you’re cosplaying the same character, and the only thing you need to be insecure about is if the other person has a body type that resembles the character more than you. Even then, you can outdo him or her via your sheer personality, or by simply having a better costume.

The other type of doppelganger is when you and the other person are cosplaying the same character in the same costume. Obviously, comparisons will be made, but the good thing about comparisons is that the better cosplayer becomes evident. Of course if you’re insecure about your costume and your character, you will feel disheartened when beside your doppelganger, but that’s why as a cosplayer, you should strive for the best when designing your outfit and appearing on stage.

Comparisons aren’t a bad thing, especially if you’re the one with the superior costume. Your better design, your better attention to detail, will come out. More often than not though, what will happen is that you will excel in certain areas, while your doppelganger will also be good at other aspects. At that point, it becomes a numbers game, and the more areas you excel in, the better. However, if you truly want to impress your audience and the judges, I think this is where acting in character becomes a pivotal element.

Gimmicks

Gimmicks could be anything from functioning weapons, blinking lights, a transforming robot, or some spectacular special effect that’s easy to construct. It actually crosses the line between costume and acting, because on one hand, it’s part of the costume and on the other, it’s there to help you act in character more.

Complex gimmicks obviously scores you more points with the audience and the judges. However, my advice is that while gimmicks are nice, they’re there to augment the costume and acting. Without a good outfit, or if acting out of character, the gimmick won’t win you competitions. There might be applauses from time to time, but you’re stuck being a one trick pony, simply relying on your gimmick. A gimmick is nice to watch once, but not repeatedly.

Still, cosplayers who have good costumes and acting talent have been known to win cosplays due to gimmicks, giving them that extra edge to win and gain the people’s approval. Perhaps that’s why it’s favorable to work on your costume early, so that you can include an additional gimmick or two. But if you’re pressed for time, remember that your gimmick isn’t your costume.

I’d also like to point out that gimmicks can really be anything. If you have a talent for singing and your character has been known to burst into song, then you can capitalize on that. If you’re cosplaying as an action-themed character and you can do backflips, I’d count that as a gimmick if you perform on stage.

Sexy Characters

Another common complaint in the cosplayer community are cosplayers who win because they’re sexy. It’s usually applied to females, but the accusation could actually be applied to anyone. As mentioned in Optimum Body Type, some people are more well endowed than others. Should you fault them for biology, especially if the character they’re cosplaying warrants it?

I think that’s really the issue at hand. Is the sex appeal the cosplayer is emulating part of the character? If yes, then they’re simply fulfilling their role. It’s hard to imagine Mai Shiranu from King of Fighters, for example, that’s not well endowed, or a Fujiko from Lupin III who’s not flirty (albeit not straight-out revealing). Of course if it’s an out-of-character moment, such as a strip-tease Miaka, well, then something’s wrong (unless it’s part of a parody in a skit or something).

And then you have to look at the costume as well. Having a good body type is well and good, but that alone won’t win you cosplay competitions. Because honestly, if you think showing skin will win you awards, then try going to a convention as a truly naked Kekko Kamen (Google her if you don’t know who the character is). The cosplayer would win for boldness in my book, but whether she’d win the actual competition, trouncing the other cosplayers whose costumes might have more technical appeal, well, I doubt it.

From my point of view, the “sexy cosplayers” who win have at least points going for them when it comes to the costume. Their sex appeal, yes, is a big plus, but I doubt if it’s the only factor the judges were looking into. Take a look at the Gundam Girl, for example. It’s a partially-skimpy outfit, meaning that on one hand, it’s not supposed to show lots of skin (the chest area, for example, is heavily armored), but it does anyway because of the concept (applying feminity into a robot). But I doubt if anyone would contest that the costume would be easy to make, or that it didn’t have a big visual impact.

And at the end of the day, you also have to give points to someone who cosplayers as a sexy character. It takes guts to do so, after all, especially if it’s a role the cosplayer is not usually accustomed to (you’d be surprised at how many “shy” cosplayers there are).

And honestly, one merely has to look at the history of cosplay winners in the country to see that various cosplayers of varying genre and gender have won cosplay competitions. I’m not saying that all the cosplay decisions have been fair, but usually one or several of these factors have influenced the decision of the judges.

[Essay] Cosplaying Part 2: Social Dynamics of Cosplay

2006-08-09T08:40:00.000+08:00

In recent years, cosplaying seems to have become a staple at conventions, irregardless if it’s anime-related or not, in the Philippines. One wonders why it’s so appealing (or why so many people participate), and it’s executed so seamlessly that people don’t always realize the group effort put into cosplaying, even if there’s just one person on stage.

Obviously, cosplayers like to cosplay but the real question to cosplayers isn’t why they love cosplaying, but rather what part of cosplaying do they love. It might not readily be apparent to people, but cosplaying is a long and complex process. Cosplayers typically like or prioritize a certain aspect of cosplaying , while there are cosplayers who love more than one stage of cosplaying (and perhaps even rarer is someone who loves and excels at all the facets of cosplaying), which is just as well since as human beings, we’re all born with different skill sets and interests.

Babbling about it won’t do much good so I’ll give examples of each stage in cosplaying to illustrate my point.

Everything begins with a concept and it’s just as important in cosplaying. Whether as an individual or as a group, cosplayers have a certain concept for their character or group of characters. It might be cosplaying a certain character who’s never been done before, or it might involve bringing together certain characters together. This is also the point when a cosplayer realizes whether he or she will start and end the entire process by themselves, or with companions. There’s a certain satisfaction in brainstorming an idea, and an even greater satisfaction in making it come true. You might not be the person strutting your stuff on the catwalk, but as long as you helped make the vision come true, from providing moral support to your friend to helping create the costume to choreographing a specific scene, there’s a sense of joy and fulfillment.

Then we move on to the actual pre-production stage. This actually involves several roles, and anywhere from one person to ten (or higher number) can be involved in it. Costume is one half of cosplay, after all, and for the most part, the costume begins and ends in pre-production. I mention roles because everything can be done by one person, or by a group of people. Roles involved in pre-production include designing the costume (since certain costumes need to fit certain body types, or if there’s a particular style you want to emulate as characters will usually have several variations), crafting the costume (whether it’s sewing the costume from scratch or literally building it using exotic materials), making props, scavenging for accessories (which might include the main “body” of the costume), finding the appropriate make-up, etc. This is an important step, and is also a good example of how cosplayers can diverge in interests. Some people take pride in the various roles of this process, such as finding a certain cloth in some far-off shop in the middle of nowhere, or building from scratch a paper mache replica of an accessory or prop. And indeed, there is great satisfaction in the act of creation. However, this need not be true for all cosplayers. There are, in fact, some who see this process as a chore, a necessity that must be dealt with but given the choice, would do away with it. This can be seen by having someone else make the costume, or hire a seamstress to make the outfit. And honestly, there’s nothing wrong with that, and simply goes to show how cosplayers might have different tastes and interests. And in way, these differences between people make it possible for a team to work in cosplaying. For example, you might have a group of four friends. One is interested in choreography, so he goes about planning how the character will act on stage. Another might be interested in creating the costume, and he focuses on that. The third person might find stage performance to be the most appealing, and so he agrees to be the model to wear the costume. The last person might be an all-around guy who has a passion for all those steps, and helps out in all three phases. In a certain sense, I’ve been using the term cosplayer erroneously because well, all those people mentioned are involved in the cosplaying process. Without one, the cosplaying process isn’t complete. Sure, you might have a model with the appropriate personality for the character, but without a costume, that’s not cosplaying. Usually, we assign the term cosplayer to the model, to the person who wears the costume and acts on stage. If you did the entire process by yourself, that’s well and good, but if not, your friends and crew deserve some of the credit as well.

Of course sometimes, it’s also a matter of skill set. Like a seamstress might be talented in making costumes that involve cloth, but what happens when he or she wants to don a mecha costume? Cloth can only go so far, after all, and while he or she may be interested in making the costume by themselves, they simply don’t have the optimal skills. So they go about asking their friends who are skilled in everything from paper mache, crafting, or home economics. Sometimes it’s also a matter of time, especially when you’re going about it with just a few people. Coordinating people and resources is a skill, and some cosplayers might just want to focus on one certain area (such as simply making the costume and not having to worry about gathering the materials). Pre-production has several niches, and you don’t have to like all of them (but it helps).

Once you’ve gotten over the shock that, gasp, some cosplayers aren’t as enthusiastic as others in making the costume themselves (don’t worry, you’re not alone), we’ll move on to the next step. It’s the event itself where you cosplay. Again, while there’s only one person wearing the costume (or two if you have something really big and/or fancy, such as cosplaying as a horse), that doesn’t mean you need to be alone when you’re at the convention. It could mean hanging out with fellow cosplayers, especially if you agreed to go about it as a group. It could mean having friends assist you in wearing an elaborate costume. It could mean having someone help you in applying make-up, or to carry your props. Much like pre-production, there are niches to fill that need not involved actually wearing the costume, but still helps in the overall presentation. And of course, there’s acting out your role, in your full glory complete with costume, on stage and when the cameras are flashing. Again, there are people who live for this role, the actual act of being in character, screaming a phrase or two in front of a large audience, or performing a special move or two. In group scenarios, this might even involve acting out an entire skit. These are people who want to cater to an audience, or impressing friends that they actually pulled the entire stunt off, or agreeing to act as a favor to an acquaintance. Or they could be doing this for themselves, simply for the heck of it. But like pre-production, there are also cosplayers who are reticent of this role. I mean I’ve met a couple of shy cosplayers who don’t seem like someone who would walk in front of a catwalk (especially when it comes to revealing outfits). But they do it anyway, because it’s part of the cosplaying process. Maybe it’s because they resemble the character (or more likely, their body type fits the character) and thus they agreed to do so. It might be because they were coerced by their friends and fellow cosplayers. It might be because well, they like everything else about cosplaying except this part, so they might as well go along with it. It might be in taking pride that they’re wearing the outfit that they themselves made. There are several reasons for reluctant cosplayers to actually cosplay. But the important is that they do, or rather they try to do so (I can’t blame people who try since we usually fail the first time). Some might overcome their stage fears over the years, and some simply don’t. But that doesn’t stop them from cosplaying. Nor should you feel weird if you’re one of these people. Again, cosplaying is layered with many stages, and what makes us individuals is the fact that certain aspects appeal to us more than others. Having said that, don’t be surprised if the cosplayer you’re talking to is shy, even if he just cross-dressed in front of several hundred people, or she walked down the ramp in a skimpy outfit.

The fourth stage of the cosplay process is the judging. If you’re in a convention, you’re most likely participating in a competition, and in a competition, there are winners and losers. This is a case of two faces of the same coin. On one hand, there will be cosplayers who enjoy winning. Who doesn’t, after all? There’s a sense of accomplishment after all when you manage to outdo 99 other participants (and having an actual prize doesn’t hurt either). On the other hand, there will be cosplayers who enjoy cosplaying for the sake of cosplaying, competition be damned. Heck, some of the best cosplayers I know don’t even formally register for the competition, and just show up at the convention to mingle with friends and meet the crowd. It’s also possible that a cosplayer is feeling both emotions, or perhaps alternating between them depending on the event. Both really are valid reasons for cosplaying, and goes to show how people can gain fulfillment from cosplaying, even if their reasons are opposite of each other.

Once everything’s said and done, cosplaying seems over once the convention has ended and the awards have been given. However, there’s still the cleaning up that needs to be done, the packing up, and looking like a civilized person once again. Again, you can go about it alone, or have some friends with you tag along and help bring your costume to the car, or chat with girlfriends in the washroom. Now you can take a deep breath, and you and your companions can rejoice in a job well done. You went through the entire process, from conceptualizing an idea to making it come true. If you did everything alone, from canvassing materials to making your costume to wearing what you’ve made, then congratulations: that’s a tall order for any individual. And if you’ve enjoyed the entire process, then good for you. That in itself is a kind of a reward.

Of course as elaborate as the cosplaying process has been, and how there’s several avenues for enjoyment, that’s not the be-all and end-all of cosplaying. There will be other people and roles not mentioned here, such as the act of actually hosting a convention (without which, the cosplay event isn’t possible), acting as emcee and/or judge for the competition, or simply helping run the cosplay. Cosplaying is a diverse hobby, and different people will give you different reasons why they like to cosplay.

[Essay] Cosplaying Part 1: Emphasizing Play in Cosplay

2006-08-08T09:04:00.000+08:00

I was watching the National Cosplay Competition on TV the other night and I realized how much life has changed for me. Whereas I'd have a first-hand view before, either as part of the audience or helping friends get into their costumes, I'm now stuck watching televised cosplays, or hearing second-hand accounts from friends and blogs.

Of course watching it on TV showed me how the public could perceive cosplaying. If I were lazy, I could sum it up as a glorified Halloween party, but in all honesty, that's not accurate. For me, there's a difference between saying "I'm going to be in costume" from "I'm cosplaying".

As some of you might know, wearing costumes is something humans have a history of. From donning ceremonial masks in spiritual rituals to wearing hoods and cloaks in various initiation rites (I'm actually thinking of the KKK here...) to stylish masks in masquerades to something more mundane such as a birthday or Halloween party, dressing up other than who you are is more common than you think. It seems that cosplay could easily fit into one of those categories but that would be over-generalizing, and fails to differentiate itself from other activities. For example, the highlight of the masquerade isn't just wearing masks to conceal your identity, but it's about the socializing, the dancing, the mystery of a blind date. In that specific scenario, concealing your identity is in the service of something else, and not an end in itself.

So how do we go about describing cosplay? Again, there's a simple way to show what cosplay is, but the impression it gives isn't necessarily accurate. I could say it's a fusion of two words: costume and play. Most people, however, seem to focus more on the former than the latter. And that's what makes this article different as I'll be focusing on the play part. When we speak about "play" in cosplay, it's not just about playing or having fun, but rather an emphasis more on acting on stage such as theater, and adopting another identity and pretending to be someone else. Both elements, costume and play, are important, but the latter seems to be overlooked as of late, and in a sense, both terms go hand in hand with each other.

How do I focus on the "play" part? By focusing on the costume part. Aside from cosplay, where else do you find costumes? Typical answer would be in Halloween parties and/or birthday parties. However, as mentioned above, other events incorporate costumes such as masquerades or rituals of certain religions. Why is that important? Because the next question is where do these people get their costumes? More often than not, costumes and masks will be bought, ready-made and good to go. Of course in certain cases like a birthday party, the mother of a child might sew the costume but in today's urban world, most likely outfits are bought from a store. Attire for fraternities, cults, and organizations (if organizations actually use them) are typically uniform (again, the white hoods and cloaks of the KKK comes to mind), and are mass produced by someone (that would be an interesting initiation if you had to make your own outfit...). However, in the case of cosplaying, those scenarios don't apply often. Unless a certain character is extremely popular, you can't buy your costume off the shelf. Some might hire a seamstress to sew up their costume, but that's a unique outfit and not one produced in the hundreds. Would-be cosplayers might hunt for specific items, such as belts and boots or a certain cloth, but they don't buy the entire outfit off the rack. Which is why I go back to the play part.

In my senior year in high school, I was part of the school's theater group. I did no acting, but instead I signed up for pre-production. Anyone who's worked in theater knows that there are several elements needed to get a show going: you need more than actors, you need directors, managers, and yes, the people who do all your pre-production requirements, from constructing the stage to props to costumes. For me, cosplaying is akin to pre-prod work. Usually, you have a certain concept in mind for a costume, but creating that costume will take time and hard work. You can't buy the costume off the shelf, and instead it'll take you days and weeks to find the necessary items you need, combine it all together, and make sure your props and stage go along with the design. It's a sad play when you're watching Peter Pan and he's not in a green shirt, for example.

For me, the pre-prod work of cosplaying is exactly just like that. Cosplayers might scrounge various areas, looking for the right materials, taking as much as several weeks, all for a one day performance. And it's not just about the costume: it could be other elements as well such as make-up or props. Another thing I noticed about cosplayers here is that they don't go at it alone. In theater, you have a team. It's not just one person doing all the stage setup and finding the right costumes. Usually there are assistants in addition to the stylist, and there's usually more than one costume being made. Same goes for cosplaying. On one hand, you have several would-be designers helping out this cosplayer to make the perfect outfit, whether it's a mecha costume or something just as elaborate. On the other end of the spectrum, you have these bunch of people who are cosplaying as a group, and help each other find the appropriate material for their costume; it's not as elaborate as say, the mecha outfit, but you have just as many people involved, and is geared more towards producing several similarly-themed outfits rather than a single, significantly more complex one. Yes, there are exceptions and there are people who go through the entire process alone, but that's honestly such a lonely procedure, and where's the fun in that? Especially with all the resources that's available, from forums to mailing lists to friends, there's really no need to go about cosplaying alone. It could be as simple as asking someone on the bulletin board if they know where to buy a certain wig or button, and there you have it, you're working with someone else!

So your outfit and props are done. Again, cosplaying is more than wearing a costume. Because if it was, then all the work would end with pre-production. A good cosplayer does more than wear the costume. Heck, I've had several photo shoots and a good model does more than just pose and look pretty. Anyone who's watched Tyra Bank's supermodel reality show should know supermodels do more than just stand there in outfits given to them. A good cosplayer needs to give the costume character. Again, back to the play part, this involves acting.

Acting does not necessarily mean you have to give an award-winning performance. There are several ways to act, and it's more than just a monologue or dialogue. It can be seen in a lot of things, from your body language to the way you walk to the way you smile. It also means having the courage to actually strut your costume in front of an audience. That doesn't mean a cosplayer should be in character all the time, but the moment you're on stage in front of the catwalk, you act in character. It might be fifteen seconds or a minute but in that span of time, you must show that you are your character. Some cosplayers utter a phrase, others do an action pose, some even break into song. It's up to the cosplayer to decide which fits their character more but again, they have to do something. It's what separates the cosplayer winners from the rest. You might have the best costume out there but if you just stand on stage and act stiff, you won't be pleasing the audience or your fellow cosplayers. Honestly, if you're just interested in making the best costume, simply become part of the crew for a cosplayer. A good cosplayer can make your creation better by infusing into it life and personality. Cosplay is one half "play", after all.

While it doesn't get as much media attention as the cosplay catwalk (at least here in the Philippines), cosplaying also has its roots in group performances or skits. The cosplay literally becomes a play as several people, in character and in costume, act out a particular scene. It could be the reenactment or a particular scenario in an anime or perhaps a chapter in a manga. It could also be a fantastical crossover between unrelated shows or a fanfic writer's idea. It could be a dance performance or a group karaoke. Whatever it may be, it involves several participants on stage. I think this is the heart of cosplay and while we do have "group cosplays" that feature such events, it's not enough. That's why there are several attempts at group cosplays during catwalks, either the previous participants remain on stage until the last member appears, or it could be a consecutive string of characters from the same anime (or simply a consecutive string of cosplayers who are all friends, irregardless of their costumes). Perhaps that's why I want to focus on the play part, because a play involves a group of people. And cosplaying is anything but a solo venture.

[Essay] Science Fiction in the Philippines

2006-06-21T10:26:00.000+08:00

For aspiring Filipino writers, it seems that for every reason he (or she as the case may be) has to write, there's another ten discouraging him from doing so. One genre that keeps on bleeping up in my radar is science-fiction. Granted, it has a following in Western society, a question that is often posed, be it in fiction or in gaming, is why isn't it more popular here?

The question has been asked several times and there have been many answers. One answer that keeps on popping up is our lack of science education for the general populace. My initial response is to agree, but after hearing that reason so many times, it has caused me to re-evaluate and reflect. Does that explanation, a lack of science education in the country, really valid for explaining the gap between fantastical fiction (be it fantasy, magic-realism, slipstream, etc.) and science-fiction?

Assuming that fact is really true, I doubt if that is enough of an excuse to explain the SF drought. As much science-fiction is composed of two words, namely "science" and "fiction", the latter has much more weight than the former. Science-fiction, in the end, pays more attention to the fiction part rather than the science part. Look at your classic science-fiction writers, be it Arthur C. Clarke or Isaac Asimov. There's really little scientific jargon in their stories, and the main focus of their works is either the story or the character. In Arthur C. Clarke's short story The Star, we have a simple science concept, namely that of a space ship traveling in space and a lone astronaut. But that is not the focus of the story; instead, we have a very human character questioning his faith based on his experience. Or look at Asimov's Foundation short stories: it's not a story about the latest scientific discoveries but rather more of a philosophical and historical exploration of human nature. Pop SF even has a different slant: Star Wars and Dune, for example, while set in a future/space context, contains lots of elements of epic fantasy, yet is arguably still considered science-fiction. And even someone like Philip K. Dick, the man behind the story Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?, always focuses on the characters rather than the concept. Granted, while there will be "hard" science-fiction stories which will place emphasis on the science part, the genre doesn't necessarily have to start from there, nor need to be the dominating majority of science-fiction.

Of course personally, I feel the premise to begin with is exaggerated. Yes, it's true that the country needs work when it comes to our education system, but I don't think that's what causes the void of science-fiction literature. If anything, our country is technological savvy; we're just not that conscious about it, or perhaps it holds the least fascination for us. I mean look at us: we're the people who converted surplus jeepneys into public transportation vehicles. We're the people who've cloned everything from CDs to refillable ink. We churn out nurses and tech support agents at a regular rate. Foreign nations harvest our country for the brightest computer engineers and programmers. The Philippines is a gold mine for Telecomms and mobile-related industries, and the Internet gaming boom is starting to pick up speed. What more could you ask for? Are we really as deficient in the science, or in technology, as we think?

That being the case, then why don't we see more of stories like AI's haunting their programmers, or lovers meeting over a chatroom, or call center agents being stalked by customers through the use of technology? I do think there is a reason for the scarcity in science-fiction, but it is not due to lack of education more than a lack of interest. Aside from the social-realism slant of our would-be literati, I think Filipinos have never shaken off the fantastical influence of our culture. Take religion for example. For me, and some might scream "heretic" at me for saying this, but religion, in the end, is nothing but the myths and beliefs of a culture. The only differences between, say, Greek mythology and Christianity is that few believe in the former, and merely treat it as a part of their history rather than as a way of life. Conceivably, the fate of the Greek gods could follow Christianity in the future, if faith in that religion wanes. But here in the Philippines, devotion to religion, be it Islam or Christianity, is quite strong, and part of daily life. When you see the Catholic cross in most public school classroom, or hear a prayer broadcasted over the radio and on TV every 3 pm, you know that religion has an impact on that culture. And as much as we might want to shake that off, religion influences us, and captures the imagination of Filipinos in the form of fantasy more than science-fiction. A Filipino could conceivably imagine talking to a saint who mysteriously appears in his dream more than imagining a saint talking to him from the grave over a chat room. Spanish attempts to reconcile ethnic beliefs with Christianity doesn't help either. Folk Catholicism has a strong following, whether it's in the belief of the powers of minor saints, to the power of talismans such as "anting-antings" or "agimats".

That's not to say religion alone is to blame. Pop culture has also played a role in shaping Filipino consciousness. Filipino comic characters remain part of the Filipino psyche, whether it's the mystical/anthropomorphic Zuma, the magic stone-eating Darna, or the transforming Captain Barbel. And who could forget our sword-wielding protagonist, Panday, who has appeared in comics, movies (several times), and recentlly on TV in the fantaserye (fantasy + soap opera) format. Even the games we play right now are slanted more towards fantasy: Ragnarok Online, Tantra, even PangYa. At best, it will be a hybrid of fantasy and technology, which was popularized in Japan. Just look at Final Fantasy, for example, or card games like Pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh!

That's not to say that science-fiction is totally absent in our culture. There will be the occassional story that will contain those elements, as well as the niche we have in the Palancas under the Future Fiction category (which some might contest isn't really fitting to be classified as SF, but for me falls under the realm of speculative fiction, and the call for science-fiction elements leaves the writer to exercise his creativity). It's also made its presence known in the past via the medium of animation. In the late 70's until the mid-80's, Filipinos were enthralled the super robots Voltes V and Daimos. The former's gimmick was electro-magnetism, but I believe the real appeal to Filipinos was the familial bond its characters shared, as well as the juxataposition between cheesy campiness and tragedy the series had. Daimos, on the other hand, contained various soap opera elements, which apparently is popular in our culture.

More recently though, science-fiction in the Philippines is making a comeback through the hearts and imagination of children. If you want a strong science-fiction pop culture identity, you need to look at what was being marketed by toy companies: Gundams, Beyblades, Tamiya 4WDs, Zoids, etc. Fiction-wise, it remains to be seen how this will affect the writings of the present generation, but in terms of comics, I've occassionally seen indie comics featuring robots and/or power armor into their stories.

In this era of Philippine history, it's probably more reasonable to expect speculative fiction more than science-fiction from the country's would-be writers. Seeing how the fantastical plays a big role in our culture combined with how we seem to take present technology for granted, a hybrid between fantasy and science-fiction seems more likely to occur rather than a pure science-fiction story. Still, in the end, it's up to the writers to decide the fate of our literature, and this is all for naught if writers do not write their stories. Or if readers do not choose to read them.

[Essay] Demonizing People

2006-06-15T12:02:00.000+08:00

I'm usually a tolerant person, but one thing that irks me is when people demonize other people. What I mean by demonizing people is that we label them as evil, inhumane, as if the loathsomeness is inherent in their genetic structure. In D&D, this can be equated with giving someone an "evil alignment". But D&D is a game, and people in general can't be oversimplified in that context. Perhaps that's why psychology plays an important role in society: not to serve as an excuse for deviants, but so that we may understand them better, and perhaps to some extent, lessen their culpability (but not entirely removing it).

It occurs more often than you think, and media nowadas doesn't help. I've seen the term "evil" attached to several personalities, both dead and alive: Judas Iscariot, Adolf Hitler, Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden. While these people aren't exactly the best of role models, I don't think labeling them as evil is fair. To do so results in only one of two things: either we buy and propagate the propaganda surrounding them, or we are simply redirecting our dissatisfaction at ourselves or at other people. Let me explain further.

Take Adolf Hitler for example. Mostly, we blame him for starting World War II, and the attempted genocide of the Jews. For the first reason, if we take a closer look, Hitler waged war for noble ideals: for his country, for his people. Invading Poland was done not out of some desire to spread evil, but because he (and his people) honestly believed they were doing a good thing. Misguided perhaps, but nonetheless at the surface seems good. I mean who would frown upon a person who was nationalistic? Hitler merely proved Oscar Wilde's adage that "it is always with the best intentions that the worst work is done." As for genocide, everyone's guilty of that to one extent or another. I mean haven't we thought that the world would be better off if certain people were removed from the face of the Earth? Yes, it's prejudice. It could be African Americans, Asians, Hispanics, and in the case of the Philippines, the Filipino-Chinese, the Filipino-Spanish, or even fellow Muslims. Or it could take the form of removing those genetically likely to fail: the handicapped, the retarded, etc. After all, in survival of the fittest, they'll eventually die out anyway. Why not speed things up? Or it could be people we think society would be better off without: the idiots, the lazy, the convicts, the criminals. That's what Hitler was thinking at the time: he viewed that the Jews were leeching off Germany. The only difference between him and most people was that he actually took steps to solve the problem (a noble act on other occassions), and conviced the entire nation to go ahead with his plan.

In the Philippines, I see this kind of thought pervading in society. A few years back, many Filipinos were appalled at some of the crimes that were being committed: the rape of children, the rape of one's own kin, etc. The country's solution? Death penalty. My qualm with the death penalty is that it defeats the purpose of jailing a criminal. Theoretically, we jail people so that they can reflect on what they've done, and they'll eventually reform. If we were bent on removing them from society altogether, we'd shoot them on sight, or sentence them to imprisonment in some location forever (note that "life sentence", contrary to what it's called, actually doesn't last your entire life). Obviously, the death penalty removes that possibility altogether. And if you took a long-term view of society in general, it would be better to reform 10 convicts rather than execute 10 of them, because the first option allows the convicts to contribute in society. I'm not saying that this is what happens (this isn't a perfect world after all) but how it should be.

But that is not what appalls me. What appalls me were the reasons Filipinos were advocating for the death penalty. Honestly, if you look at them closely, it's not because we believe it's really a deterrent to crime, but simply because we want revenge. Yes, revenge, a term which we sugar-coat as "justice". Do criminals deserve to be punished? Yes. Do they deserve to be killed? Under certain circumstances, and is a very debatable topic. But any logical person will see that sentencing a person to death because they killed someone else will not bring back the latter. Some can apply the logic that "two wrong does not make a right" but you get my point. Basically, the situation we have is that at one moment in time, a lot of Filipinos believed that a certain type of person (in our case, rapists-who-rape-their-children) should be eradicated from the face of the Earth (all in the name of justice of course). Now if we actually had the power and capability to do just that (our justice system is slow and inefficient after all), then we'd be like Hitler. Some (and I'm sure a lot would) would even see it that we're doing the world a favor. Except you know, we're all guilty of something, and in certain areas, we're all deviants from the "norm". How many of the people we thereotically executed could be reformed? How many of them are actually innocent? How many of them, while they themselves are irredeemable, could give birth to a progeny of people who will be greatly valued in society?

Moving back to the topic at hand, what I am just showing is that "Hitler's evil" is not some external force which happens once in a lifetime. It's really a monster that's within every person, and we live with it day to day. Hitler himself was human, just like the rest of us. There is nothing innately evil about him as a person. What was deplorable was his actions. And it's an action that we're all familiar with.

How about Saddam? Bin Laden? Well, they're treated as leaders, even heroes in their own circles. That should say something about their state. They're not evil, and I think that they believe that what they're doing is actually good. Besides, who here doesn't want to retaliate against the big bad bully which is the United States of America? Some of you might even think that Bush is the real evil person here, but guess what, again, he's simply echoing the sentiments of (some of) his people. Many people condone Bush's actions as much as many are against it. What they are doing are products of human emotions, of human frailties, or human beliefs, not because they are some paranormal force of maliciousness.

Oh, and with regards to Judas? Many people are biased against him because he betrayed a messianic figure in religion. But the question was, did Judas really believe the person he was betraying was really a divine entity? Or, playing devil's advocate, let's say he did. I imagine Judas taking a Machiavellan position, reasoning that the end justifies the means. If he didn't betray Jesus, God's salvation would never come. Yes, he's stuck with the unenviable position, but somebody's gotta do the dirty work. He might love Jesus, but he'll damn the world if he doesn't go through with what Jesus has planned for him. And in the end, Jesus didn't tell Judas "et tu Brute?" but rather to go on with it. It's like Wolverine killing Jean Grey when she was possessed by the Dark Phoenix. What would you have done?

[Essay] An Anime Fan's Take on Cosplay Culture in the Philippines

2006-06-14T10:47:00.000+08:00

One of my passions early on was my love for anime; even before the "anime boom" hit Philippine shores, before anime shows replaced telenovelas on primetime slots, I was already watching anime in foreign languages, and reading manga even if I couldn't understand what the text was saying.

I believe that 2000 was the year anime reached its peak in the Philippines. Yes, it's true that a year before that, we were experiencing an onslaught of anime from various directions: from TV, from toys, from word of mouth. But what made 2000 special is the fact that it was the year where the first real anime convention started. I say real because while in previous years, there have already been conventions of one sort or another, this was the first time that we had a convention that was solely dedicated on anime and its subculture: no more sharing booths with other fandoms like Star Trek, Star Wars, or simply hobby collectors of cards, toys, or basketball.

One by-product of such an event was the rise of a cosplay community in the Philippines. Again, yes, people have dressed up as their favorite fictional character (be it anime or otherwise) from time to time, whether it's Halloween, a small anime screening, or perhaps a kiddie party, but that is different from what arose from anime conventions. It was several elements combined together: lots of participants, a huge crowd, and more importantly, some sense of organization when it comes to cosplaying. What I mean by organization is that well, there's a body judging the merits of a person's costume and how they act (since cosplay means more than simply wearing a costume), and rewarding it, whether with tangible prizes, or simply cheers from an audience. And while some cosplayers are close friends with each other, during that first convention, fans met strangers who shared the same passion as them. Cosplaying was a group of people united by a common bond, a common passion if you will. Not all of them had to be friends or close buddies with each other, but they belonged (and remained) to the same community.

The cosplay community would eventually evolve and become a culture of its own. Whereas it was initially associated with anime/manga fandom, I'd like to think it eventually stood on its own. I mean nowadays, there'd seldom be a convention (not necessarilly an anime/manga convention but whatever fandom you can think of) where there isn't a cosplay involvevd to one degree or another: it might be a video game release, a Lord of the Rings gathering, or a meeting between Trekkies. Whatever the case may be, the word "cosplay" has made the transition from fandom jargon to mainstream slang. Cosplaying is still in the sphere of fandoms, but it is no longer limited to the anime/manga sphere that it was once associated with, at least here in the Philippines.

As an anime fan, what bothered me was the fact that I couldn't really talk about anime/manga with the cosplayers, or at least the circle I was in (I'm sure there are lots of cosplayers who are interested in manga/anime), at least back then. I remember talking about a particular show and there was simply a lack of enthusiasm in the topic. Cosplayers didn't talk about their favorite anime or manga with each other, but they talked about various cosplaying techniques, which fabrics to use, where to find such and such props, etc. This was the point that I realized that the cosplaying community here stood on its own rather than solely depending on the fandoms they were dressing up as. It would come to the point where cosplayers would simply cosplay for the sake of cosplaying: they'd attend an event not because it's being hosted by their favorite fandom, but simply because they were having a cosplay event.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this is wrong or that it should be otherwise. It's simply an observation, at how the community has evolved in the span of seven years. Nowadays, I see some cosplayers going back to their roots, watching their favorite anime, reading their favorite manga, and talking about it with their cosplayer friends. Be that as it may, the cosplay community remains an independent entity, a child that has taken a path different from its parent. How this will play out in the years to come remains to be seen. And hopefully, people will be watching.

[Book Reviews] March 2006 Book Reviews

2006-03-24T08:03:00.000+08:00

Resurrection by Paul S. Kemp

Concluding the Forgotten Realms War of the Spider Queen series, every page is jam-packed with action and of course, betrayal. Mainly a book for those who followed the previous five books, the ending is satisfying for the nature of the party’s quest (resurrecting an evil goddess). Just when you think you know who’ll be the new incarnation of Lolth, Kemp throws a red herring, making readers doubt their decision. My only quibble is the characterization of one of the characters. But that aside, a good book and fitting conclusion for your standard fare fantasy.

Rating: 3/5.

Lullaby by Chuck Palahniuk

Exciting from the get-go, Lullaby is one of those concept books where the author throws a lot of plot ideas and mixes them. Thankfully, Palahniuk does a good job of it, even if they all seem coincidental. The book revolves around a small cast, each with their own personal demons. The title is derived from the fact that the main character discovers a lullaby that can kill people. My only problem with the novel is the tone of the characters. Because Palahniuk changes perspective chapter to chapter, I didn’t notice that one of the protagonists was male, while another was female. The fact that the book has a gender-bending scene doesn’t help either. Still, it’s a quick and compelling read, and is one of the books that Palahniuk tries his hand at writing from multiple perspectives.

Rating 4/5.

In the Forests of Serre by Patricia McKillip

McKillip doesn’t lose her touch as she weaves words into a compelling story. The fact that this book is short makes the text tighter, and for McKillip’s case, better. In the Forests of Serre revolves around a small cast as well, as conflict revolves around them. Perhaps what’s admirable is that for most of the story, everything is centered on Serre instead of the typical hero-goes-to-point-A-then-to-point-B. In fact, the characters are literally going around in circles. There’s lots of character development here and McKillip works with the concept that stories become a reality in Serre, as several fairy tales (and variations thereof) show up in the story, each with a unique role to play. It’s quite meta-fictional in fact. A very enjoyable read, and appeals to a wide spectrum of audiences.

Rating 5/5.

A Feast for Crows by George R. R. Martin

Another installment in the Song of Ice and Fire, the book is as compelling as its predecessors, although I wouldn’t necessarily say better. The most noticeable thing is that the novel is shorter than the three books that preceded it, mainly due to the fact that Martin had to cut half the character perspectives he planned. That aside, Martin hasn’t lost his touch in characterization and making you love (or hate) the characters. My main quibble is that the “crow” theme gets repeated over and over again throughout the book, even a bit forcefully at times for me. The novel also is the weakest of all four books, although it’s not a case of Rowling’s bad writing/editing as was the case with the fifth book in the Harry Potter series. Still a great read though, and I’m looking forward to the next installment.

Rating 4/5.

Masterpieces in Miniature: Stories by Agatha Christie by Agatha Christie

What some people might not remember is that Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s most famous work gained life through the short story. Agatha Christie, perhaps most popular for her mystery novels, proves that she’s equally capable of mastering the art of the mystery short story. And indeed, she does a good job of it. This collection features four detectives: Parker Pyne, Harley Quin, Hercule Poirot, and Miss Jane Marple. The first two are a treasure as its evident their characters were developed from the short story, which is included in this collection. While the Poirot and Marple stories are enjoyable, we don’t really see much on Poirot’s “gray cells” gimmick, or develop that much empathy for Marple aside from the fact that she’s the most unlikeliest of detectives. It’s a good collection of detective short stories with enough variation to compel you to read the entire thing.

Rating 4/5.

Veniss Underground by Jeff Vandermeer

Upon reading the first few pages, the impression you get is that the setting is set in the far future, with pseudo-scientific and fantastical contraptions at hand. In fact, it’s reminds me of Mieville’s Perdido Station minus all the large chunks of text. In fact, Vandermeer’s strength is his ability to tell a lot in just a few words or sentences. The pacing is actually quite quick and there’s no dull moment, even as he provides exposition for the story. What can I say, I like the book. I really prefer this than to Mieville’s work, even if there are a lot of similarities between the two. However, whereas Mieville deals with concepts, the heart of this Vandermeer novel is character. A moral quandary is also thrown in as there’s a big event that will change the setting of Veniss, but that’s an offstage event, giving more emphasis on the protagonists. The book also contains three short stories and a novelette, which not only fleshes out the world, but acts as an epilogue of sorts as to what eventually became of Veniss. Reading Veniss Underground is about as difficult as reading a Philip K. Dick book: that is, anyone can read it and enjoy.

Rating: 4.5/5.

The Girl in the Glass by Jeffrey Ford

The most evident detail about The Girl in the Glass is that Ford takes a different tone, at least compared to his previous novels. Whereas The Portrait of Mrs. Charbuque had fanciful and entrancing words, and Physiognomy had this rhythmic tone, The Girl in the Glass is simply mundane. That’s because this is a historical fiction novel, and Ford’s magic-realist tone is left in the sidelines. That’s not to say the book isn’t good: it’s just a surprise. It’s compelling nonetheless, and if you’ve read some of his short stories, is more akin to his coming-of-age stories. The text is as compelling as his other books, and brevity is an art he practices for each chapter. The plot revolves around three con artists as they seek to solve the mystery of a girl who disappeared, and the journey takes them to a far darker discovery. It’s a good book and shows that Ford has a wide spectrum of skill, but if you’re expecting to be mesmerized by Ford’s fanciful play of words, this isn’t the book for you.

Rating 4/5.

[Essay] White Collar Workers, RPGs, and The Road Not Taken

2006-01-19T17:42:00.000+08:00

If truth be told, I probably would have been a better computer programmer than a fiction writer had I chosen to pursue such a degree. While I'm not the best-gifted student in computer class, I did manage to do well on my own. And for a Creative Writing student, my grades in Math and Science were higher than my other subjects.

As far as careers go, I'm one of the boring types, the kind that manages to survive working in an 8 hour job, sitting down doing repetitive stuff. I actually enjoy doing the same things over and over again, from photocopying to scanning to typing (my secret is that I always think that there's a better, more efficient way of doing things, and that I'll achieve that the next time around). Unfortunately, it does not extend to transcribing interviews. =)

In retrospect, the taint of a white-collar worker was evident when I was a kid. There's actually a test you can give your kids to know if they're built for this kind of stuff. Give them an RPG and note how they play it. In your typical Squaresoft (before it was Square-Enix) RPG, people who finish the game typically do it in one of two ways. One is to finish the game as quick as possible, so that they can enjoy the story more. Levelling up and finding items is kept to a minimum. These guys aren't your minimum-wage employees. The ones you're looking for are the people who have the patience to level up their character before fighting the main boss. They'll have the best items that can be bought because of all the monsters they killed in order to get gold. Yes, I enjoyed the story as much as any other person, but I also wanted to defeat my computer opponents without using too much in-game resources, and the best way to do this was to spend loads and loads of hours killing monsters, leveling up and gaining gold in the process.

Of course these days, you have to work with a slightly different formula. Most MMORPGs tend to focus more on the leveling up rather than story (quests are designed to give players the illusion that there's some story involved), not necessarily because that's what the designers intended, but because it's kind of difficult to create an online game with a perpetual-story engine, and one that affects millions of players (saving the princess becomes less unique when there's thousands of you... and then you ask yourself, what's next?). So the creative-types feel the temptation of using bots (computer scripts/programs designed to take over your character, usually to level them up without heavy supervision in the case of MMORPGs) with their characters. To the white collar-oriented people, some of them might be baffled at this phenomena, since they'll claim that the point of playing MMORPG is to have fun, and where's the fun when it's a computer that's playing the game for you.

But MMORPGs aren't as rigid as a video game, where the only option you have is to kill, level up, get rich, and rest (repeat). It's a place for dialogue, for making a fashion statement (in terms of character equipment, items, design, and other accessories), for interacting with other players, or acting as a surrogate parent to virtual and/or real characters. The learning curve of leveling up is merely a means rather than an end.

Nonetheless, the methodical, persistent, and simply patient ones are most likely to enjoy the leveling-up system of RPGs and MMORPGs.

As for me, I'm a Humanist at heart, and while I do believe genetics and environment do play a role in molding your persona, you determine who you are by your choices. I may not have been born the most creative or talented individual in the world, but that doesn't stop me from writing (sadly, sickness will).

[Book Review] The Shadow Road by Sean Russell

2006-01-11T07:40:00.000+08:00

[Essay] Guide to Photo Shoots for Editorial Assistants

2006-01-05T20:03:00.000+08:00

1) The simpler it is, the easier it is for you. Typically, the easiest shoot to organize is one that requires the talent (subject of the photograph), the photographer, and the make-up artist. The more people involved, the harder it is to organize a photo shoot. Why? Because if just one person cancels, your perfect photo shoot is gone. The odds are, the less people to coordinate with, the higher your chances it’ll push through. It’s also easier to coordinate and reschedule if necessary with three people, compared to a dozen.
2) Set different call times. Call time is the agreed upon time to meet for the photo shoot. Theoretically, everyone should have the same call time. But in my experience, that shouldn’t always the case. The fact of the matter is, people operate on different times. Some come early (a rarity). Others come late (and at different degrees as well). There are also those who value promptness (“When I arrive, let’s begin the shoot!”). Because of this, it’s advisable to give different call times to the staff. For example, if I have a make-up artist who’s usually an hour late no matter what time I give him/her, my call time is one hour earlier for him/her. A talent that’s usually three hours late has a three hour earlier call time. A photographer who doesn’t want to wait up on the make-up artist and the talent might get a call time of one hour later, so that when he arrives, make-up has been applied and all he needs to do is take some test shots and is good to go. And of course, you yourself should, at the very least, arrive on time if not earlier. Depending on the location, people will surely be asking for directions, or inquiries on who’s there and who isn’t. There’s no room for equality when it comes to time. Of course this tip can only be handled with experience. If you’re working with someone for the first time, you really don’t know if he/she will come on time or not. Just to be sure, give them an allowance of 30 minutes. Keeping records is also handy, so that you know how what call time to give the next time you work with someone.
3) Learn small talk. I’m the last person you should be getting advice on this from, but learning small talk is a valuable skill for the editorial assistant. Suffice to say, people will be late. It could be the make-up artist, the talent, the photographer, or any combination from the three (and that’s assuming there’s only three other people involved in the shoot). When the two other people haven’t arrived, you should play host. Talk to the person, entertain him/her. The last thing you want is for them to be disgruntled. It’ll reflect on the way they do their job, whether it’s in the make-up, the photography, or the pose. At the very least, they’ll consider working with you again in the future. When the other person arrives, you can relax as the two will most likely talk and make their own introductions. But in the meantime, make small talk, and be interested in the other person.
4) Be a shock absorber. Actually, the correct statement should be “be ready to be a shock absorber.” You’ll be one whether you like it or not. The reason why setting different call times and learning small talk is important is because some people won’t come on time. In a perfect world, that shouldn’t be the case, but it’s obvious that’s not how things work. The instinct of people is to blame someone other than themselves. And since you’re the person who organized the shoot in the first place, they will blame you. If the talent is late, the photographer will blame you. If the make-up artist is late, the photographer and talent will blame you. If the photographer is late, the talent will blame you. If the shoot doesn’t push through, your boss will blame you. Obviously, it won’t always be your fault: no matter how much allowance you allot someone for being late and no matter how often you follow-up, they will find ways to disappoint you. A photo shoot is a group activity, after all, so not everything is within your power to control. But still, you will get blamed. Learning small talk delays the anger. But if someone arrives too late, you have an angry staff. In a certain way, it’s good for them to be angry at you. If a photographer is angry at a talent, for example, it might come out in his/her photo. Same goes for the talent, or the make-up artist. Now there are times when someone you’re working for is the reason why the photo shoot didn’t work out too well. Don’t place the blame on them. The last thing you want is for the staff to refuse future jobs with the company because of an incompetent boss. It’ll also look bad on you: I mean how would you react if an employee constantly kept complaining about his/her superior? Better an incompetent employee rather than an incompetent company. You’re a shock absorber whether you want it or not. The trick is to be ready for it.
5) Plan Ahead. Have a checklist prepared. When it comes to pre-production for a shoot, make sure that everything is in place: you have all the necessary props, you have all the necessary staff, and make sure all permits and logistical necessities have been done. Account for time it takes you to file for the necessary permits, or to get permission to make the necessary pull-outs when it comes to accessories. Another helpful tip is that it’s better to have more than to have little: be generous when making allowances. And when taking photos in a public place, make sure you have all the necessary permits. You don’t want several weeks of preparation go down the drain because when you get to the location, you’re halted by the local authorities.
6) Follow Up. The secret to setting up a successful photo shoot is to follow up, from gathering the talents and photographers to securing permits and pull-outs. My typical formula is to inform, confirm, and then follow up. Inform the subject that they’ll be involved in the project, confirm if they can commit, and then finally follow up on it on the days to come. Make no mistake, there’s a difference between nagging the person and following up on them. If the shoot, for example, is one week ahead, don’t call the person everyday. Inform them on the first day, perhaps confirm in the middle of the week, and then follow up one day before the shoot. I also text them the address of the location on the same day both as a reminder and to make sure they get the proper directions.
7) Gratefulness and Respect. Even if your company is the one hiring the talents, the photographers, and the make-up artist, they’re not working for you; they’re working with you. There’s a difference. Give them proper courtesy and talk to them properly. Smiling and small talk helps, but also be grateful for the service that they’re doing. Don’t be too thankful, since there’s a certain posture to be maintained (and the photo shoot is an endeavor that has mutual benefits and is not simply a favor to one person), but don’t be too snobbish either. Handy statements are “thanks for coming on time” or “it was nice working with you”. And when someone doesn’t meet expectations, such as not coming on time, never insult them. You can show your disappointment, but don’t let your words reflect your anger. You’re here to coordinate a photo shoot, not start a brawl. Accept the apologies and arrange the photo shoot as best as you can with the given circumstances. Chastisement should occur after the shoot, in private; you’re not here to publicly embarrass them. And even then, scolding them should only be the last resort. There are probably other, more peaceful ways of reflecting your disappointment with their tardiness or ineffectiveness. If they are truly disappointing, don’t work with them in the future. They’re not worth the headache. If you’re forced to work with them again, you’ll be glad you didn’t insult them.
8) Post-Shoot Work. It could be paying the fees of the contributors, collecting the photos from the photographer, or returning items that you pulled out. Whatever the case, they must be done. In the case of collecting the photos, all your hard work will be for naught if you don’t have the final product to show for it. Assist your staff in getting their payment or whatever else that they might need; you never know when you’ll need them again, and it’s better to work with a positive slate rather than an indebting one. Also keep your receipts and take note what items were used and/or paid for during the photo shoot. You want to be compensated for them, or at the very least keep a record of what was involved for future reference.
9) Don’t Fret. Not all photo shoots will work perfectly. Sometimes, in pre-production, people won’t respond immediately. In times like these, a common reaction is to panic, get nervous, or be anxious. Don’t be. It’s not in your hands anymore. If the talent can’t respond immediately, no amount of follow ups will change that. Be patient and concentrate your energy on other stuff. Work on other projects. Read a book. Meditate. You will face the same anxiousness again during the actual shoot, while waiting for all the elements to come together. Again, don’t panic. You can follow up on people once. After that, you’ll just have to trust them and be patient. Constant nagging will only annoy the other person, especially when they’re en route to your location.
10) Reward Yourself. The secret to being sane is to reward yourself. It doesn’t have to be big. It could be treating yourself out to dinner. Or looking at the final photos, and congratulating yourself at a job well done. There are rewards to every venture; one must just pay attention to them. Give yourself some breathing room before you go on and move to the next photo shoot.

[Interview] Neil Gaiman NU107 Interview

2005-12-25T15:14:00.000+08:00

Anyway, here’s the NU107 full interview with Mr. Neil Gaiman, several months late. The interviewers are Erwin Romulo, Ramon de Veyra, and Quark Henares. I managed to get a copy of the entire interview, although I can’t remember who I should thank for it. There was also the partial copy from Astrid, whom I’d like to thank again as even the full interview file had missing parts which was only available in the partial interview that I got from Astrid.

So here’s my Christmas present, and if you were wondering what I was doing on Christmas day…

NU107: Hello, hello. It’s alive. Rico, which is it again? Oh, can you hear me speak, Mr. Erwin?

NU107: I think I can.

NU107: All right, all right.

NU107: Ramon can you speak?

NU107: Hello.

NU107: Oh, there.

NU107: Hello, good morning everyone! Do we, do we have our Metallica tunes interested? (laughs)

NU107: Yeah, into Sandman?(laughs)

NU107: No, we were debating whether it would be Roy Orbison’s “In Dreams” or—

NU107: Or the one by Metallica.

Neil: All the Mr. Sandman stuff, of course.

NU107: Well we thought that you might really think us idiots for doing the whole… we decided to just wing it.

NU107: Come in cold!

Neil: The only point that I ever go, you know, these people are idiots, is that moment where, radio, you’re on the radio and they always do, and you guys haven’t, which is really good, exactly the same intro.

NU107: It’s the king of dreams.

Neil: No, no, no, no. It’s the—

NU107: Hello everybody and we’re hanging out with the dream king here. (laughs)

Neil: That was Tori Amos right there for those of you who didn’t get it. Oh no, please don’t. (laughs)

NU107: Well how’s been the booking this evening?

Neil: Actually I’ll still find out. I’m sure it will. (laughs)

NU107: Anyway good morning everyone. We’re here with our very very NU107. The whole NU107 is here.

NU107: The whole.

NU107: In fact in a booth where—

NU107: On normal working days, no one is here.

NU107: Everyone’s late.

NU107: Everyone’s late. Everyone’s late. Everyone’s late.

Neil: Thank you. Get them before—

NU107: These guys come in like, 2 pm.

NU107: Chris is here everyday.

Neil: And they’re in here with cameras.

NU107: Oh yeah, oh yeah. Maybe the work flow of NU would be better if you were here everyday. (laughs)

NU107: No, we’re here with Neil Gaiman, the, uh, fabulous. Fabulous. Fab fab, Mr. Neil Gaiman, who, the multi-award winning writer.

NU107: Maybe we should go into a song.

NU107: Yes, yes. Definitely!

NU107: What would you want to play?

Neil: Well I grabbed my iPod, punched up a hasty, on-the-go playlist, and I thought the first thing that might be fun is a song by Thea Gilmore who’s an English singer/songwriter whose work I love and it’s just one of those songs that hits the chord with you when you’re a writer, because it reminds you of the stuff that you shouldn’t be when you’re a writer and what you really shouldn’t be is safe. So it’s called When Did It Get So Safe?

(plays So When Did It Get So Safe?)

Neil: When Did It Get So Safe.

NU107: So when did it get so safe?

Neil: Well, I suppose. What I like to think, what I hope, what I liked to think is that hopefully it happened. So far, what I came to do as a writer is the moment that I know what I’m doing, I stop and I do something else, and at least for me, that’s an incredibly comfortable way of working. I wrote comics until I was good at doing comics and comfortable with doing comics and then I figured the responsible thing to do at that point was go on write prose, which didn’t mean I could write. I wrote…

NU107: Neverwhere?

Neil: I did Neverwhere, Stardust, American Gods, to the point where American Gods had won all the awards it could possibly win, I figured that maybe at that point, I should…

-phone rings-

Neil: Isn’t that amazing, the phone rings while you’re on the radio?

NU107: Yeah, yeah.

Neil: Aren’t you going to answer it?

NU107: My wife.

Neil: At least she knows where you are.

NU107: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

NU107: Speaking of mediums, you’ve done TV. You’ve done prose and you’re doing a movie. So which, I mean you can’t probably have a personal favorite even though you feel, maybe you’ve done as much in one medium. Which is your personal favorite?

Neil: I do have a personal favorite medium, but I usually get to work on my favorite medium for only once every three years on average. My favorite medium is actually radio plays. Of all media, I love doing radio drama, audio drama, but because everything happens, you have all the advantages of movies and stuff, and you have real drama happening, but you have all the fun of prose and comics and you’re working in somebody’s head.

NU107: And you take a very active role in it. You also, I mean you do your readings right?

Neil: I do readings, and I do performances, but with radio plays, I just get a real director in and a real crew, and I do a couple for BBC now, a couple for US Online thing, and if it weren’t for the fact that I would have to send my children out to dance for the pennies in order to support myself, I would do a lot more of them. But it’s one of those things where you do it for love.

NU107: You should do some more of it right now. I mean like the four of us with Diego.

NU107: We’d make a pretty slick radio play.

Neil: We’d go out of the way with the script.

NU107: Yeah. Uh, you’re doing a movie, which hopefully will, in Hollywood, is up in the air. Any directors you look up to? I know you did film reviews for quite some time.

Neil: I was, I was a film reviewer when I was young. I was a terrible film reviewer but that’s okay. Who do I love as a director? Gilliam I think is, of living directors probably now at the point where he is consistently the most interesting living director I think.

NU107: Terry Gilliam?

Neil: Terry Gilliam. I think he has visions. And other than that, it’s the usual suspects. Peter Greenway, David Lynch.

NU107: Yeah!

Neil: It’s weird because on the whole, the kind of directors I like are kind of odd and small and culty and off and slightly left off-center and weird, and then the film being shot this September is being shot by Robert Zemecki who is—

NU107: Beowulf.

Neil: Yeah, Beowulf. Which is being done by, we got Anthony Hopkins starring in it, and Ray Wingstone, and a bunch of really cool people. And you know, looking at this movie which is gonna be the big, action weird-ass movie of 2007, going how did I write that? These are the kind of things I go—

NU107: How did you met like Terry Gilliam and the rest of the Pythons I mean?

Neil: The only Pythons that I know are Terry Jones, whom I know very vaguely. I interviewed him when I was very young; a journalist just like you. I went to his house and I interviewed him and he said would you like anything to drink. I said sure, coffee and he said Chablis I think. And he brought out the largest single wine bottle I’ve seen in my life. I mean we’re talking those kind of bottles that look like a chip pouring bottle and it comes up, we sit there and do the interview, and it’s me, the photographer, and Gilliam, and we get drunk and drunker and we get photographed. Published in the magazine, me popping up from underneath the desk with Terry Jones pushing me down. I remember stumbling away from that interview, and finishing that interview lying on the floor, wondering why the ceiling was going round and round and round. So I think interviewing Terry Jones was very dangerous for a journalist. Terry Gilliam, I know really well because he was going to do the movie of Good Omens.

NU107: Oh yeah, yeah.

NU107: And Watchmen too.

NU107: And he’s supposed to do Watchmen as well.

Neil: The trouble is, that Terry Gilliam terrifies Hollywood. They are really scared of him. I don’t know why they are scared of him, but they are absolutely terrified. And he had the great script for Good Omens, he had Johnny Dept, Robin Williams, Kursten Dunst of the US, and get a studio to cough up $50 million dollars and agree to distribute it. We figured it was a done deal. And went to Hollywood and said okay, who wants the movie? And everybody took one step back.

NU107: You have sketchy relation. I know you were supposed to do Mr. Punch right with Roger Avary also?

Neil: No, that was Beowulf.

NU107: Okay, so that went through at least.

Neil: Beowulf with Roger Avary, we were going to do in ’97. That’s the weird thing about Hollywood, you can never predict anything. We wrote the script in ’97, it was like a small budget action flick but was going to be fun, and now it’s this, we suddenly start in January after we long since given up on it.

NU107: But have you gotten it royally screwed, somebody like your friend Alan Moore who is now really antagonistic towards Hollywood adapting any of his stuff.

Neil: Screwed in what way?

NU107: Alan had to defend a film which he didn’t even… I think he had to defend League because he got sued by some screenwriter who said that elements of his screenplay, and it was a film that he didn’t approve of but he had to appear in court.

Neil: No, I haven’t had that yet. (laughs) You know, I haven’t been deposed, nobody has sued me for ripping off their film I had never seen.

NU107: Yeah, yeah.

Neil: No, that happened to Alan.

NU107: Is Gilliam still keen to do, would you still be interested in doing Good Omens?

Neil: Gilliam would still love to do Good Omens if anyone would give him the money. If anyone listening has $65 million dollars who don’t know what to do with—

NU107: Quark has!

Neil: Terry Gilliam, just write to me, and I’ll put you in touch with him. Terry would love the money.

NU107: Hopefully Brothers Grimm does well. Hopefully it pushes through the nth time around.

Neil: Well the trouble with Gilliam is, he makes films that do brilliantly and are commercial successes and come in under budget and are just fine, Twelve Monkeys and… somehow these films never quite erase the Gilliam terror from Hollywood. He starts again from scratch every time trying to convince them he will not go $200 million dollars overbudget and call them all idiots.

NU107: Like what happened in Brazil where he took out the variety because of an ad.

Neil: Exactly. He made Brazil and won. He fought Hollywood and he won, and they’d never forgiven him for that.

NU107: You’re on your exclusive, we’re on our exclusive interview, we’re very—

NU107: Honored.

NU107: Nervous. Kid. We’re having an exclusive interview with Mr. Neil Gaiman. Can everyone please turn their phones off? In the meantime, let’s play another one of your—

Neil: Let’s play one song. What have I got here? Okay, this is one of those songs that you hear and it’s somehow becomes, it shouldn’t have happened it’s really unlikely, and because of that, it becomes of those things that I play over and over again as I travel. This is the Beautiful Self cover of the Ramones “Blitzkreig Bop”.

NU107: All right!

(plays Blitzkreig Bop)

NU107: Blitzkreig Bop.

NU107: That is the most upbeat, better than your version, the one your band does. I mean happier. But you have a chick singing, so…

NU107: Yeah.

NU107: Oh no, this one had the girl from rock thing.

NU107: Well, there you go. Anyway, we’re here on our exclusive interview NU107 with Mr. Neil Gaiman. Thanks to Gweilos. A lot of people have been texting in, we’re raking it in I think through the text messages, and a lot of people are cutting class for you, including a girl who gave you chocolate apparently.

Neil: There are a number of ladies who have given me chocolate. Chocolate is. I left Singapore, when I left Singapore, I actually would like to think possibly the largest personal collection of barbecued pork and ham. I could now go back to America and set up a small, Filipino candy store. And Filipinos in American who are going miss local candy can just come to me and I have boxes of them.

NU107: In Minneapolis.

Neil: Yup. There’s more than any one person will possibly be able to eat, even helped by small children.

NU107: How do you like the dried mangoes by the way?

Neil: Dried mangoes, really cool. You guys have the best mangoes. It’s really nice getting to taste things like mangoes, and even bananas. Oh, this is what they’re meant to taste like. Because around the rest of the world, you get these things and they’re shipped green and they’re gassed and they sort of ripened and you taste it, you get the idea vaguely that you are eating a banana-ly substance or something vaguely mango-ish. Where here, oh I get it, this is mango.

NU107: Oh so ripe mangoes you haven’t—

Neil: I’ve had ramp, out here I’ve been eating dried, eating ripe mangoes, mango juice of breakfast.

NU107: There’s a funny question here. Do you listen to dark music or something? (laughs)

Neil: Do I listen to dark music? Yes, some of it, but I tend not to. The wonderful thing about having an iPod, I have a 60 GB iPod and it’s full.

NU107: Oh wow.

Neil: And when they bring out 120 GB iPod, it’s probably full. I love all kinds of music. I will sometimes, when I’m writing something that’s particularly dark, go on find some really dark and appropriate music. The worse it got was writing all that hell stuff in Sandman, when I went and dug out, and this was back in Final Days, I dug out Leery’s Metal Machine Music, which played nothing but Leery’s Metal Machine Music in the background while writing hell for several days. And I want you to know that Leery’s Metal Machine Music was actually made for anyone who needs to write hell.

NU107: (laughs) Which is actually interesting because Sandman kind of looks like Peter Murphy, right?

Neil: All of the characters who Sandman’s thinking page, Peter Murphy is probably the only one who really has the justification, but he’s a mad king second, because the first thing I did a few sketches, I sent a few, [Sam] Kieth sanded a bunch of sketches, we picked that was the closest to the character, and we sort of carried on from there. When Mike Dringenberg the inker got the drawings, he said oh, it looks like Peter Murphy. And we all went, who’s Peter Murphy? He said, lead singer of Happy House. Used to be in the Mat Phil commercial. And we went oh him, right. And so Dave McKean based the drawing of The Sandman on the very first cover of the very first issue on Peter Murpy.

NU107: So I was wondering about your other works. What was the soundtrack tune, to a very specific work, what you were listening to?

Neil: Stardust, the soundtrack was mostly feel nice bands. Lots and lots and lots of folk rock because if you’re writing something for Charles Vess, and you’re writing something that’s very, very set in faerie and very English, folk rock is perfect. So lots and lots of feel nice bands, and lots of Tori Amos for that one as well. I started writing Stardust in a house that Tori was renting in London that was actually a bridge. The house was built into this bridge over a canal. And that was where I began to write it. American Gods, lots of sort of American music. There’s this singer/songwriter named Greg Brown who’s like sort of a middle-American Lou Reed and instead of singing about transsexual drug addicts dying of overdoses, he sings about small farms in Iowa. And lot of Greg Brown, and also the other thing that really kept me going and kept me saying through American Gods over and over again was the Magnetic Fields 69 love songs. Which is 69 different songs in 69 different genres. No two songs are alike by the incredibly talented Steven Merritt who I think is probably our greatest living songwriter at this point.

NU107: Oh yeah? How about The High Cost of Living? I was reading it again last night.

Neil: The embarrassing thing about that is I wrote it in 1991, 1992 and I don’t remember what I was listening to when I wrote it. I do remember that when I was writing Anansi Boys, the new novel, it sort of went backwards and forwards because it’s lot of reggae, a lot of weird world music, a lot of African stuff. And you know, you just go and try to find the soundtrack that’s appropriate, the soundtrack to the movie in your head and you make that.

NU107: Definitely. Erwin?

NU107: Well, no I guess we should give him a lot of our music.

NU107: Do you listen to a lot of Filipino albums by any chance?

Neil: Only 6 or 7 so far so I’m sure there will be more. I was reading in the bath this morning, I got out of bed, had a bath and I was reading Filipino mythology and folk tales in the bath this morning thinking this stuff is so cool, why didn’t I know about this before or I would have used it.

NU107: What was the best gift you got here so far? I mean everyone in the Philippines is probably giving you something.

Neil: I don’t… you can’t say the best. Well the stuff that’s so cool is that everything’s personal, everything’s so beautiful and people make little art and they give you things and they give them from their soul and they care. And I… mostly I just sort of faintly touched. You know, you got a signing line, the signing lines we got here are impossible. Normally when you’re an author, you just say okay, I’ll sign for everybody. But you can’t sign for 3000 people, physically you can’t sign for a thousand people. So you do your best, which signing on Saturday night ‘til 1:30 in the morning, and we did over 700 people yesterday with 5 hour signing and again, I think we did nearly about 600.

NU107: So do you go into the trance, ready?

Neil: No, it’s not about trance. It’s more like running a marathon. You just know that you’re gonna have to keep going, and you know that you want it possible to be a bright human being here because when number 500 comes through just as you were for number 2.

NU107: Yeah because everyone of them is just very excited to meet you.

Neil: And especially here out here in the Philippines, they’ve been in line up to 6 am in the morning.

NU107: Or 5 am.

Neil: Exactly. So they’re not just excited to meet me, they’re also exhausted. And every now and then some of the girls who’ve been standing for hours and you know, are sort of getting more and more wound up, and sort of get to the front and knelt down, and you sort of give them a hug and say, okay.

NU107: Something I’ve noticed is that most of your fans are women. Which probably wasn’t the case when you started out right?

Neil: Definitely wasn’t the case. I started writing Sandman it was all boys. But Sandman very very rapidly went out and got a female readership. And suddenly it became about the only comic, the only mainstream comic in America where you had a 50/50 male female readership, and I would get these comic store people who look liked the comic store guy on The Simpsons coming up to me and going, you know man I got to thank you, you brought women into my store. No women had ever come into my comic store and then Sandman came out and they come in. And they sort of go if you changed your t-shirt and swept the store, they’d come back.

NU107: There’s a joke that you have a large female readership because most of the girls got copies of Sandman for their ex-boyfriends and suddenly they were really reading into it because of the great female characters I think also like Hazel and Papa Claus and…

Neil: I think it’s possibly that. It’s definitely true that Sandman has been spread over the years sexually. You know, it’s boys whose girlfriends say oh I don’t read comics, and they say here, read this. And the girlfriend comes back and says do you have any more? Give me to them now. Now! And then they go away and read them, and when they break up with the boy, they take the Sandman.

NU107: Yeah, yeah, that’s true. I know three people concretely who have their ex-boyfriend’s Sandman.

Neil: But I also think, it’s very interesting, both in Singapore and here, I think for the first time ever in each place, I see probably more women than men. And I think a lot of that also comes because we now have a world in which you have a female comics readers. If you go back ten years, there weren’t even. Now with manga, you got a generation of girls growing up reading comics, and it’s not a weird, strange thing to do. And when they’re sixteen or seventeen, they look around and the mangas that they were reading doesn’t quite do it for them in the same way that I get a lot of male readers because they’re seventeen and eighteen, and suddenly the comic books that have people hitting each other through walls don’t do it for them anymore. There’s a moment through which, there’s a moment where adolescent power fantasies no longe rwork for you. That’s the moment I can come in and can own your soul.

NU107: (laughs) I guess we should play another song.

Neil: Okay. I thought we were talking about movies a lot, and I’d thought I’d play my favorite song inspired by a movie, which is a song by Tom Russell called “Touch of Evil” about the Orson Welles song “Touch of Evil”.

(plays “Touch of Evil”)

NU107: Everyone heard that, your plan. You were talking into the microphone.

Neil: Oh.

NU107: We do it on our radio show, the last song is always a David Bowie song. Because he’s David.

NU107: We’re here on our exclusive interview with jam session I guess, with Neil Gaiman playing.

NU107: Are we going to bring out the kazoos? (laughs)

NU107: Louie Louie right? Ramon has some interesting questions, I’m sure you miss your family.

NU107: Yeah, one of the things we were discussing in preparation for this was that you’re one of the most interviewed people which we know, so we couldn’t come up with any questions that haven’t been answered before so we wanted to ask some personal stuff if that’s all right. Like how did you meet your wife?

Neil: She was staying in a house that was owned by my father. She was a student and my father wound up buying a house he that didn’t want because he ran a small mail-order business out of my grandmother’s garage and one of the neighbors complained so he actually had to get a shop in order to continue running his mail-order business and the shop that he bought came with a house, which he didn’t want. So they lent it out, and whenever I was in town on Saturdays, I’d go over there for a cup of tea because it was a lot quicker than walking home and I, my wife was staying there. My wife to be was staying there and that was how we met. And that was actually scarily more years to go more than I like to think about. It’s very very weird some of these thing with time because you actually don’t notice time passing, and then you suddenly turn around and you realize that, I sort of looked at my son the other day, because he graduated from the George Washington University studying computer training that I do not understand, and he’s now going off to do a Masters in PhD in a computer thing so I will completely not understand anything he’s in. And I look and you know you’re the same age now that I was when I started being a writer. And you’re the same age that you were that I was when you were born. And it was suddenly, sort of weird moment, oh my God, life is past. You sort of, people tell me I’m prolific and I don’t think of myself as a completely prolific writer. But slowly shelves and shelves of stuff, they sort of just get longer and longer. And my writing career and my son’s life and now these thing in shelves. It’s fun, it’s certainly…

NU107: How was the first meeting. I mean do you remember first meeting your wife?

Neil: No but I remember the first time I noticed, I don’t remember the first time I met her, but I do remember the first time I noticed you. She was, it was actually one of those why miss you’re beautiful moment. She’d had these dreadful glasses that did her no favors at all and one day they got broken so for a week she walked around with no glasses on and suddenly, it was like whoa! She of course didn’t know that I was staring at her going whoa! She couldn’t see anything.

NU107: And you have three kids, is that right?

Neil: Michael, Holly, who’s twenty and a bit more and is currently in South Africa, which is really peculiar, the idea of, you know a few days ago, I was in Singapore, on the phone to my wife who just got off the phone with my daughter who was in South Africa at a wild life park watching frog-shooting stars thinking the world has become a much much smaller place than it used to be for me. And then there’s Maddy who’s the littlest one. And she’s ten and she’s really funny, she’s I think the one who may, probably most likely to turn into a writer herself if she doesn’t grow up to be a stand-up comedian. And I actually got to do something to impress her. I never impress her. Nothing I do ever impresses Maddy which is actually kind of fun. But we were in London a few weeks ago and we had dinner with a magician named Darren Brown who’s one of the best magicians in London, in England, and possibly the world. And Darren, when it was done, when it was over we went out for dinner, and Stephen Fry, the English actor and comedian from Black Adder, the voice of the book in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy came over to talk to Darren, and Darren said this is Neil Gaiman, and Stephen Fry said oh Neil Gaiman! Yes, I’m a huge fan of yours, the era of the graphic novel has dawned upon us at last, has it not my boy? And he turns to Maddy and says and you young lady, shake my hand. What is your name, and she says Maddy. I’m Stephen Fry. He goes away. It was very very sweet. And she looks at me and she goes I just met Stephen Fry and I didn’t let him know I thought that was the coolest thing in the world. Okay, I understand. Cool dad thing.

NU107: How old is she now?

Neil: She’s ten. And very very funny. The other cool thing that I’ve done for her, she became an Archie comic fan. And because I’m Neil Gaiman, when the people at Archie Comics found out that my daughter was a huge Archie comic fan, they put her on their complimentary comic list. I get the big complimentary comics from DC, and she gets the envelope of comics from Archie. She’s much happier than I am by the way.

<NU107: Would you ever do an Archie comic?

Neil: If she told me to, I would.

NU107: Really?

NU107: Has she read The Day I Swapped My Dad?

Neil: She written all, she quites like it. To be honest, would I ever write an Archie comic? If it was a matter of impressing her, yes I would. But actually what’s much more likely is she’d go and write an Archie comic. And then they’d print it because they can say Gaiman on the cover, and it actually it would be Maddy, which would be much more fun.

NU107: All right. I have a fanboy question here. You always talk about Alan Moore but you never really talk about the other Vertigo writers. Among your fellow writers in that imprint, what do you think of them actually.

Neil: The trouble is, for example, Pete Milligan, I only know very vaguely. You know, Pete and I know each other to say hi to, but we don’t really know each other very well. Garth Ennis and I like each other, don’ know each other well. Grant is a good friend of mine, Grant Morrison. And you know, whenever I’m in Glasgow I’d go out to dinner with Grant and, Grant’s so funny because I remember Grant. Again, I’ve known Grant now for twenty something years so I remember him. When I first met him, he was this very skinny guy, a little bit older than me, used to wear long trench coats, and had this huge muck of black hair. And that’s always how I think of him. And incredibly shy you know. You couldn’t hear for the first three years of knowing Grant, you had to lean in really close to hear what he was saying because he’s spoken in this very precise little Scottish accent very very quietly, (in Scottish accent) and it would just come out with these stories for Batman and Arkham Asylum where I got Batman in drag butt-fucking the Joker and that kind of thing they do.

NU107: (extreme laughter)

Neil: So in Singapore, this would have got you off the air, and we’d all right now be, the police would be, we’d all be on the way to jail.

NU107: We’d all be getting butt-blanked. (laughs)

Neil: That’s the kind of thing Grant would say, to be the terribly wonderfully appalling thing in a very precise Scottish accent and very very quiet. Didn’t say this isn’t Grant, Grant has begun this, shaven headed, chaos magician of the twenty first century you know, glittering creature of, and whenever I run into him, I ask him what are you doing now Grant? (In Scottish accent) Oh I’m now, you know, off to Iceland, or I’m giving these talks to major corporations on drugs and chaos magic and they’re uh, they’re paying me enormous amounts of money to come and just tell them they’re idiots. Okay.

NU107: That’s really interesting because that’s one of the common themes of Morrison’s work, is reinvention of the self. So I didn’t even know that he was... shy. I always thought—

NU107: He’s a rock star!

<NU107: --shameless in the best sense of the word.

Neil: That’s the fun of knowing all these people for so long. You know, I knew Alan Moore before he was a magician.

NU107: How did you meet him?

Neil: I remember him, how did I meet Alan Moore? I sent him, I sent Alan Moore, I sent him—

NU107: Ghastly Beyond Belief

Neil: Very good. You done your homework. I sent Alan Moore a copy of my first ever book, which was a book called Ghastly Beyond Belief, the book of science-fiction and fantasy quotations which I wrote with Kim Newman, and I was a huge fan of his and I’ve been following his work, actually gotten several jobs beneath his nose I’ve gotten several jobs over the years because he would say, who would do this. I’d say Alan Moore’s great, get Alan Moore. But fine, I had something out, I sent it to Alan, and the phone rang, and a deep noise after that, (deep voice) you bastard I just lost two days work reading your book. I just phoned up to say thank you. Really? And we were friends. It was one of those sort of incident-bonding moments and I was going to a horror convention in Burningham and I mentioned to Alan that Nancy Campbell and Clive Barker would be there. And he said I’m a fan of those but I wouldn’t really want to come unless I knew ‘em. I said I know everybody, I’ll introduce you. I turn up at the convention, I look up, there is something looking enormously like a yeti in a suit. Really nasty, red suit. I mean expensive, great leopard skin shoes, high built, and then there’s this lush of hair, erupting. And that was Alan, incredibly devised and quite possibly the funniest person I’ve ever met. I don’t know anybody, I’ve met a number of great comedians and I think that Alan is funnier. But that was before he was a magician. And I remember when, he actually hasn’t changed. But he wears more rings and, a little bit spookier now. But I do remember when he became a magician, it was his fortieth birthday and the telephone rang, and a voice said hi Neil, it’s Alan. Listen mate just phoning up to let you know that I just turned forty, and I thought you know, better have me midlife crisis early so I’m becoming a warlock.

NU107: (laughs) Grant practices magic and Alan does too, do you or?

Neil: Nah, I write. I think that’s all the magic I need.

NU107: Damn strange.

NU107: He’s one of the people who showed you how to write a comic script?

Neil: He did. I mean that sort of became rather blown up in context when people go, well Alan showed you, you know it’s as if he took me somewhere and showed me the dark secret. It was actually during that convention I turned to Alan and I said, look I don’t know, what is a comic script? I always wanted to know. Come on, let me show you. He grabbed a notebook, and wrote page one, panel one. So you write it, and then you say whatever you can see. We are all looking at a room with a man in it, and you write down everything in it that you possibly want the artist to know, and if somebody is speaking, you write their name. Luther, ow, that hurt. That’s what he says. That really hurts, do you wanna see? Meanwhile, and next pan. And that’s how you do it. And that was Alan’s, I mean comic script.

NU107: I can use this? What you just said? We’re in the same room together.

Neil: You can use that, you bring out a comic of your own. Ow that hurts. Luther’s cringing.

NU107: Well we’re going to end soon, sadly. But, okay the future. You’re doing a movie and that probably is, are you terrified or?

Neil: No, I made a short film a couple of years ago to find out what I thought of filmmaking. I made a short film about John Bolton, which in some ways is a documentary about artist John Bolton, and in some ways really isn’t. But I made it, essentially a small student film to just find out whether I liked directing. Because there are things I’m really good at, like making up stories, and there are things I’m completely crap at, like putting up shelves. And I needed to figure out. You know, is directing a film like putting up shelves or is it like making up stories? I just felt it was a lot more like making up stories. You had the power of because I say so, which was what I found frustrating when I write scripts for other people and you write a script and then you know, the point that I knew that Neverwhere, the British production of Neverwhere was doomed on CD was the point when I was talking to the costume lady. And she said, this is Doors Parker, her little, you know, pink parker. And I said but she’s gonna be wearing a big leather jacket. And the girl said yeah there’s too much leather in the show already. I thought, and in the script I wrote, she was the only person wearing any leather. And the costume lady looked at me like, you’re the writer. You know, I look after the director and we know what we’re doing. And it’s the power of because I say so. So what I love, you know what I really love, I think most of all about, you know the movie stuff is, you don’t have to like it. Nobody has to like it except me. But at least it’s what I wanted it to be. With Mirrormask, it’s a slightly different thing. Because with Mirrormask, it’s not my film. And there’s no point in it where I go, you know, that way because I say so, but I felt very much writing it, that I was just there to make, to visualize, to help Dave McKean. You know, Mirrormask is Dave McKean’s film from beginning to end. It’s his story. I got there, I got to work on him in his story, I got to part, part stuff for him, I got to put together dialogue but it’s a Dave McKean experience and that’s what that film is.

NU107: Has he done the casting already or?

Neil: Mirrormask is tied out.

NU107: I mean Death’s the nature?

Neil: Death with, it’s casting but it’s casting in that weird Hollywood way right now, which has nothing to do with, the weird Hollywood method of casting which has nothing to do with really who you wanted things and how, it had to do with, if you imagine that you need, let’s say, a hundred points in order to start your movie. You’re like collecting chips or dice or cards or something in order to start your movie, and you need a hundred of them let’s say. And you discover that you could have, actor A is 30, actor B is 40, and actor C is 50 and that gives you your hundred points and you can start casting. But you don’t really want actor A, so you want, you know you want actor B, the actor, it’s the thing of getting to the point where you can get a green light for the casting job. And that’s really a lousy way of explaining, everybody’s gonna be going, we know he makes it. But you’re trying to accumulate enough points in Hollywood to get the green light. And that’s sitting at the back control at that point. Just okay, if you want actor A, you’re going to have someone more famous here in this part. Then you go, what if I have somebody there? Sooner or later you have enough sort of oomph to get the movie actually happening.

NU107: You wrote the script for Death and you know, onwards. Was it, how, is it close to the book or did you have to expand it?

Neil: I obviously had to expand it because the joy, that was the joy of me, if you took Death: The High Cost of Living and you filmed it, you’d have a great thirty-seven minute film. Maybe forty minutes but it doesn’t get any longer than that. Because that’s as long as the serial is. So, which is why I was interested as opposed to Sandman, where the first thing you looked at is what do you draw out. You know, it’s too big. If you’ve done Sandman, you’d have a hundred hours of material.

NU107: They’re not bringing in script doctors to muddle the script I guess?

Neil: No, no. It’s just me.

NU107: Have the studios asked for anything, like to be put more girls or something like that, are they interested in concepts so far?

Neil: Not so far.

NU107: That’s great.

Neil: We had one exec, we had one exec that was quite sure that it was the next Princess Diaries but then she went away and was replaced by the guy who was the exec on Lord of the Rings who understood what exactly this was and was completely happy with it.

NU107: New Line.

Neil: It’s with New Line.

NU107: Fantastic. Thank God for small world.

NU107: Do you have a final cut in the project?

Neil: No. You get final cut on the movie when you’re

NU107: When you have a few more under your belt?

Neil: You have to be, these days you have to be more or less have to be a Stanley Kubrick to get a final cut. I’m sure, he’s there.

NU107: (laughs)

Neil: I’m sure Spielberg and Lucas has a final cut but there’s not a lot of directors who have final cuts. At least at Hollywood-size film, you can always have final cuts on a smaller independent or you can do what Dave McKean did, and get final cuts on Mirrormask which nobody else has a clue how to make what he did, how to do it, or possibly to change it. There’s never money to do it anyway, so.

NU107: You were talking about Death, well we were talking about it, I just remembered Mad Hettie and all of these great characters and you’ve done a lot of really fantastic characters over the years. Which one, I mean, it’s probably hard to say, it’s like saying who your favorite kid is, but do you have any characters you made that you really identify with or really love?

Neil: I think when I was writing Sandman, the characters I identified with most were probably Lucien the Librarian and Mervyn the Pumpkinhead. They were actually, in terms of identification with characters, because the lovely thing, especially Mervyn, was that he was allowed to say any of those things that I was thinking could possibly write. So those moments where you go boy, you know, Morpheus is really just being a complete pain in the neck. You know, self-pitying teenage twerp there isn’t he? I can have Mervyn Pumpkinhead come on and say great, so I see what happens, he has a broken heart, and it starts raining here and we’re the guys who get wet and we have to clean it up. That was always nice, having him around.

NU107: Well Morpheus is an interesting character in the sense that you know, he’s not really one you would really tend to like, you know. I mean you want to follow his story but he is yeah, a bit of a, you know, he always bitches about his past relationships and is giving everyone a hard time just because he’s having a hard time himself. So when you started, did you, did you know that the character would be going that way?

Neil: Oh yeah. No, I always knew that. For me the joy of him was trying to write a character who wasn’t human, who did not have a human value system, was completely in many ways self-absorbed, would always try and do the right thing if it was pointed out what the right thing was. But then had absolutely no, just didn’t have human values. And that for me was so much part of the fun.

NU107: Was DC ever scared that the character might be unlikable and you know, sort of...

Neil: Yeah, yeah yeah. No they, in the, they dumped my first outline for it and that was a big worry, would the character be liked and would be problematic and I sort of vaguely promised them that he would get a human girlfriend at some point, and they really loved that because they thought that would humanize the character, and I didn’t tell them any of the unfortunate consequences. I never told them that they would never actually see themselves. So when he actually did get a human girlfriend, it was actually between two issues and they broken up when you met them.

NU107: And he burns the other one. He sent another one to hell. (laughs)

NU107: Sandman is one of the most epic thing you’ve ever done. Still, are you planning on doing some, I mean it’s probably very exhausting to do something so long, and so drawn out but are you planning on doing another?

Neil: By the time I finished, Sandman was about eight years of my life. Nine. It was actually from the point when I started writing Sandman to the point where it finished, it was, it was a solid nine years of something that was two weeks of every month when I began and six weeks of every month by the time I finished. And at that point I promised myself that I would basically just do things I could finish by tea time for awhile. I’m not yet at the point where I want to buckle down for another, you know, decade-long building or something. In many ways, I could probably do now in prose what I did in comics if I wanted to just because we’re now at the point where, between things like the Lemony Snicket books and the Harry Potter books, and to some extent Stephen King’s Green Mile, you now have an audience that actually, a book reading audience that actually understands the nature of serial fiction. Which of course was the complete joy of doing Sandman, it was serial fiction. It came out monthly. Having said that, the thing that I love about being a novelist right now is if I get to chapter six and I suddenly realize that I needed a gun in that drawer in chapter one, I can just go back and put a gun in the drawer in chapter one and nobody ever knows that it wasn’t there in my first draft. When I was writing Sandman, it was like this incredibly complicated game of, it was like playing a game of chess while jumping out of a parachute you know, out an airplane. Because if I got to issue thirty six and the gun was not in the drawer in issue three, it couldn’t be there in issue thirty six. Because everybody had already bought and read issue two. So, you’re always building in things for the future, knowing sort of what you’re gonna do, but not quite how it would work until you got there but having to plan ahead and it was sort of a strange sort of mixture of juggling, improvisation, and incredibly skillful planning.

NU107: So none of that for awhile I guess.

Neil: It’s nice right now doing things, I’m getting rid of other things. As I said, by the time I finished Sandman, I felt like I was sorely decent at writing comics I had the idea that there are some comics I could write or at least I was very good a writing Sandman. I’m now ,I’m enjoying writing prose for a bit and I’m just getting to the point, with Anansi Boys, it’s the first one that I actually look at and I go, I think you’re a fairly decent novel. American Gods won a million awards and was everybody’s favorite book except for the people who hated it but I still wasn’t sure that it really worked. There were a lot of things I would have liked to have got better if I had five or six more years to work on it. And I didn’t. With Anansi Boys I think it’s good. It’s funny, it’s light, I wanted to write a book, especially after <>American Gods which is big and dark and gloomy. I thought it would be nice to write a book that would make people feel happier when they finished it. So it’ll be out in September.

NU107: At Fully Booked.

NU107: Fully Booked, Fully Booked. There you go. They have a lot of… Promenade, Gateway.

NU107: With a nice new store in Rockwell.

Neil: Where I signed yesterday for hour, after hour after hour after hour. And right at the end we saw a hundred people who actually hadn’t passes or anything, hanging around really patiently in the heat, and I said okay, look if we just do one, if I don’t have to personalize anything, if it’s just one signature for each of them, I would do them. So we cleaned out the people who’ve been waiting.

NU107: Fantastic.

NU107: Yeah, last question then before we—

NU107: Ramon I think?

NU107: Go ahead.

NU107: I guess you’ve achieved so much already. What do you think is, what’s there left for you? I mean what excites you to achieve?

Neil: There’s nothing in the same way that they used to be. I don’t have that wonderful, sort of burning drive. It’s like the burning drive to get awards. When you’re a kid, and you read about things like the Nebula award or the Hugo award, it’s the coolest thing that you could ever possibly imagine and I can remember getting my first Hugo award for American Gods, and getting up there and giving a very short speech which began with a very rude word, and then me saying I got a Hugo. And it was the coolest thing that ever happened. And then I got my second Hugo for Coraline and then I got a Hugo for best short story last year. And now it’s like—

NU107: A Study in Emerald

Neil: A Study in Emerald.And now it’s like, this is really cool. I got three Hugo’s but I don’t actually have a burning desire anymore. I begun to two or maybe three Nebula awards, and I have. It’s great, and people say did you really won an Oscar or something? No, not particularly. I’ve got lots of awards that are really nice. It got to the point where my wife made me go get a special cabinet just to put them in because they were cluttering the place up and people would sit over them and stuff so now they’re going into a cabinet. There’s definitely no kind of, when I was little more than a kid working on Black Orchid and I finished writing Black Orchid I was in the early days of Sandman, maybe Sandman #1, #2, #3 at the outside I was working on, but I think I had just written #1. And I remember taking the plane to America and Dave McKean entrusted me with the art for Black Orchid to take it to America, to get it shot. And we didn’t have, there was no back-up plan. It hadn’t been scanned anywhere in England, I would always take it with me. And I thought you know, I really, I remember just being absolutely terrified, in the middle of the Atlantic when the plane would go down. And the Black Orchid arc they would never redo it, you know, they would just move on to the next thing and Sandman #1 they might bring it out they might not, but you know, nobody would really know what Sandman was going to be because even if they brought out this one comic as a memorial or whatever, that was the biggest thing I had intended, and should have been boy this would be really terrible if my whole career didn’t happen. And the plane went down. I’m not worried. These days I’m not worried when the plane it goes down. I left behind, ,you know, a shelf of really cool stuff and three cool kids. And if I wind up, this looks more really interesting stuff that I wanna do, and lots more mistakes I wanna make. And I want to screw up and I want to do interesting stuff and maybe I’ll do, you know write something original that’s just going to be an audio book and maybe I’ll do this do that. But it’s, but there’s no feeling right now of having left something huge, unfulfilled. I’m a writer, most writers around the world can’t make a living writing. I just, the hard horrible fact of the case, writers do other things because we can’t make a living. And a writer has got to spend his entire adult life, being paid for making things up, and writing them down, and people giving them awards, and I arrive at places like the Philippines, and you know, I get this sort of micro, incredibly cheerful Nurenberg rally welcome with this wall of sound and three thousand people just screaming and, people passing by going is he a rock star? No, he’s a writer. I mean how cool is that?

NU107: Yeah that’s like Beatles with Ed Sullivan. When you came in I wasn’t expecting raaah!.

Neil: So right now you have all those people hanging around the lobby. Most of them with books in hand. Maybe I’ll sign them as I go out.

NU107: If. Sorry.

Neil: No, it’s great. I’m incredibly fortunate. And I also know as I set up that rally, that most, in many ways it’s luck because I happen to write stuff that people like to read. And if they didn’t like to read it, I’d still be writing the same stuff. It’s not like I have a brilliant sense of the market place, it’s not like I was going, okay what the world really needs is Sandman, you know, twenty years ago what the world needs is this single Sandman, and then it will go huge, and then it will be ten volumes, and it will and then there’ll be this huge manga explosion and then everybody will pick up on it and then, you know, you don’t really think like that. I write the kind of stuff I like to read and that’s as simple as that. And you know with my children’s books sometimes I write the kind of books I either would have liked to read as a kid or like my kids to read. You know, it’s very very straight forward and people like to read it. If what was fashionable now was police procedurals, I’d still be writing the same stuff I write.

NU107: Or superhero comics. As you said, you have a hard time writing that sort of thing.

Neil: I’m rubbish at superheroes. I always cheat. I can, I can sort of, with Black Orchid, maybe I can do science-fiction and make it look like superheroes. And with Sandman maybe I can do cool, mythic horror weird stuff and make it look like superheroes. You know, with 1602, okay maybe I can do historical fiction and make it look like a bit like superheroes.

NU107: Okay, there you go. A lot of people texted in they just want to say that you’ve changed their lives and they’re very very happy and some of them went to your book signing and just want to say thank you for being just the nicest guy.

Neil: That was so sweet. I got on this morning and I probably had a hundred messages from people who’ve been to my book signing and all of them are the same. There were these lovely long messages saying when I got to the front of the line, I didn’t say. And then what they wanted to say when they got to the front of the line instead of breaking down into tears or squeaking can I marry you or whatever.

NU107: Thank you Mr. Neil Gaiman. Somebody texted and asking who are you interviewing? Are you interviewing David Bowie? For those who’ve just tuned in, we’re interviewing Neil Gaiman, not David Bowie.

NU107: Who has a signing yet this afternoon.

Neil: The Neil Gaiman signing, not the David Bowie signing.

NU107: Where’s the signing?

NU107: Fully Booked, Gateway. What time? 4:30, be there at the activity center right?

NU107: With three hundred people lined up.

NU107: Okay, so don’t go.

NU107: Do go, but admire from afar, and buy the books, share the love. Send your psychic messages. Mirrormask the big hard bound, it just came out, Anansi Boys coming out in September. And you can get the whole Sandman library at Fully Booked. And Neverwhere.

NU107: Thank you to Jaime Daez and Gabby Delarama and Christian Sisima of NU who made this possible.

NU107: So what’s your last song sir?

Neil: I’ve been thinking about it. I think I was gonna play “Horses” but I think by Tori because that was the saddest song but I thought actually, another song because it’s completely inappropriate in every way. “Papa was a Rodeo” by the Magnetic Fields.

[Essay] I Don't Believe in Writer's Block

2005-12-09T08:57:00.000+08:00

There are many reasons not to write, but I don’t believe “writer’s block” is one of them. For me it’s a myth; it’s as if telling someone you suddenly lost the ability to speak, you forgot how to spell, or words simply left your memory. There is no such thing as writer’s block for me. There are, however, other reasons why we don’t write, and we use the writer’s block excuse to encapsulate all of them. No inspiration? Writer’s block. Not motivated enough? Writer’s block. Too lazy? Writer’s block. Lacking a good idea? Writers block. For me, simply naming it writer’s block is avoiding to face the problem rather than seeking to solve it. Let me tackle the reasons why “writers” don’t write.

No inspiration. It’s a real concern. Some of the best work out there come from inspiration. But obviously not everything that’s well-written came out from inspiration. Or rather, from unsought inspiration. There are days when I wake up and I have a good idea in mind. When that happens, I write. There are, however, several days where nothing good comes up. Does that stop me from writing? No. I either look for good ideas, or simply write. Other people wait for emotional cues to drive them to write. It could be falling in love, experiencing grief, or simply getting nostalgic. While some of these experiences can be sought out, they don’t always happen just because we will it, nor is it always advisable to do so. (Can you imagine yourself forcing yourself to fall in love with someone because there’s a looming deadline so that you’ll be inspired to write a love poem? Or breaking your jovial mood by sinking into depression to write that somber novel?) If people only wrote when they were inspired, then everyone would be professional writers. What distinguishes the writer from the non-writer is that the former writes no matter what the situation, whether they’re inspired or not. Inspiration is good. I just can’t expect it to always pop up whenever I’m geared to write something. Sometimes inspiration follows after writing. Sometimes it doesn’t. But I’ll write anyway. One factor that people forget is that aside from creativity (inspiration) or talent, hard work and perseverance can also lead one to become a good writer. A genius might write his or her first draft and submit it to a publisher. Others pore over their work, continually editing, revising, and attending workshops to hone their craft. I honestly wish everyone (and when I say everyone, I really mean me) could be the former, but that’s not the case. What discourages other people from the latter path is that it’s difficult, but that’s the reality of most things: no pain, no gain.

No good idea. Much like the no inspiration reason, some of us might claim we don’t have any good ideas. Of course the adjective we need to focus on is good. I think we all have ideas to write about. We just don’t think it’s good enough. At the very least, you can talk about your day. But our self-doubting consciousness tells us that’s not interesting enough. We tell ourselves that no one wants to read how we got up in the morning (or afternoon or even evening for some people), how we went to work and experienced all these trivialities. Our inner voice may be right. Or it might not be. I think that anything, even the most mundane activity, can be made interesting as long as it’s given the proper treatment. Look at the lives of detectives. For the most part, it’s a boring job. All you do is research and wait, hoping for something to pop up. Occasionally, there’ll be excitement, and perhaps even a gunfight or two. But why are detectives of the noir era romanticized? Mainly because the writers focused on the exciting part, or rather, made it exciting in the first place. The other side of the coin is that there’s always something in a person’s life that’s exciting. We just need to dig in deep, or pay closer attention. Take for example the life of a zookeeper. I’m sure the zookeeper thinks his or her life is mundane. A child, however, might be awed at how the zookeeper constantly faces “wild” animals and manages to enter their cage without getting harmed. Why have blogs become one of the most popular things on the Internet? Because people love to read about other people’s lives.

But assuming you really need a good idea, something that doesn’t personally concern you, what do we do then? Finding a good idea is perhaps one of the problems that can be solved. It’s called experiencing new things, doing research, or paying close attention to details. Some writers go on trips or try out new things to look for ideas. As someone with little time and even less of a budget, experiencing new things doesn’t have to be something outrageous. It could be going to a corner of the city you’ve never gone before (or simply getting lost is an interesting experience in itself). It could be trying out new food, a new sport, or even reading a new book. Then there’s always research. Experience doesn’t need to be first-hand. You can read about other people, their exploits, or a topic that you’re interested in but don’t have the time or budget for. Sometimes research means digging deeper. You already have a topic, you just don’t find it interesting. By digging into its history, into the minutiae of its process, you’ll eventually find something worthwhile to write about. At times, one needs to look at your concept from a different perspective. Your country is something that you’re familiar with, and you might take it for granted. But how would foreigners see it? Or simply other people? Don Quixote is a narrative about the then-modern world told from the perspective of a delusional (but romanticized) man. The no good idea dilemma can actually be solved if we devote time and effort.

Not Motivated. Now I’m guilty of this. While I don’t lack any good idea (or even inspiration), sometimes, we simply don’t feel like writing. It’s the same with laziness. For one reason or another, we don’t write, either because we’re not in the mood, or if we have other, more pressing concerns. Of course the question we should now ask ourselves is how much do we want to write? Our will to write should exceed our desire not to. When I was still in the academia as a student, no matter how lazy I was feeling, I always met my deadline, whether it was an essay, a term paper, or a simple written homework. Why? Because I wanted to graduate first and foremost. Did I enjoy the process? Not always. Was I motivated to do my homework? Again, not all the time. But even if I wasn’t, I was motivated by something else (namely to pass my subjects) hence I did it nonetheless. Same goes for work. Now if you don’t prize your schooling or professionalism, a question you have to ask is why do you write. If it’s simply because you feel like doing so, then the path of a professional writer is not for you. If it’s for personal amusement (and when I say personal amusement, I really mean masturbation), then your writing will always be just that. If it’s the art of writing, then your effort will reflect how much you really respect the art. As for time, well, everyone’s busy. We may not pursue writing full-time but we’ll always have time; it’s just spent elsewhere. Some opt to skip an hour of sleep just to write a paragraph or two. Others find time to write during their short breaks at the office. You might also want to give up your leisure time, time you spend watching TV, playing video games, or going out on gimmicks. At that point, you’ll have to gauge your priorities. Is writing more important to you than TV? If so, then write write write! If not, then writing is a leisure activity for you, just as watching TV is. So if you don’t make your deadline, it really shouldn’t bother you in the first place (so don’t pursue a career in writing!).

From personal experience, blogs are one of the easiest things to stop updating (and as I mentioned earlier, I’m not exempt from this). Mainly because most of us blog for unprofessional reasons. It’s for amusement, for our own benefit. Do our readers pay us? No. What penalty will we receive for not updating. Flames at most (tip: don’t flame bloggers whose blogs you want to read). So once again, we enter the internal debate of how important writing is to us, and whether we should drop it altogether to pursue other more enticing activities. I’m not saying writing is the be-all and end-all of things. Sometimes, we simply have to drop writing because of more important, real-world concerns such as family, friends, career, and health. Just don’t be confused which should be prioritized in your life.

No equipment. Thankfully, that’s not called writer’s block. When you have no computer, try the typewriter. If you don’t have a typewriter, try doing it the old fashioned way: pen and paper. It’s a slow, agonizing process but during desperate times, we must make do with what we can. Technology provides us with mobile means of writing though, from PDA’s to mobile phones to laptops. Still, just so you don’t make an excuse not to write when those tools aren’t available, make it a point to bring a notebook and pen wherever you go. At the very least, it’s to list down ideas, so you don’t suffer from the “no good idea” or “no inspiration” excuse.

Whenever I see someone say writer’s block, that’s just another excuse for me. The real dilemma for writers isn’t writer’s block, but either they don’t have the time, effort, or priority. Don’t misunderstand me, good ideas are hard to come by. But it’s not something a lot of time and effort can’t solve. And when it comes to time and effort, people seldom make room for it unless it’s a priority in their lives.

[Essay] Filipino Loyalty

2005-12-09T08:56:00.000+08:00

For the most part, Filipinos have proven themselves to be fiercely loyal. When it comes to their families, the statement “blood is thicker than water” rings true. A father would protect his son, even if his son is the guilty party, and the man-of-the-house will support his cousins and other relatives, even if it comes at the expense of his own (and sometimes his own family’s) welfare. There are also Filipinos loyal to those who have been kind to them, even if the aforementioned people are far from the best of role models. There are Marcos loyalists to this day, 20 years after the Martial Law dictatorship ended. And there are even Filipinos who are loyal to ideologies or concepts, which explains the lingering groups of communist parties, or the anti-chacha (anti-charter change) rallies every few years or so. Unfortunately, said loyalty debatably doesn’t carry over to the country itself.

Admittedly, national sense of pride isn’t exactly at an all-time high. Majority of the youth and the populace simply want to leave the country, either migrating abroad of working there. Government policy also doesn’t alleviate the problem. I mean where have you seen a country that praises its citizens for working abroad? Sure, we depend on the remittances of our OFW’s (Overseas Foreign Workers) to help pay for the country’s debts, but what kind of example are we setting when we praise people who work abroad because they can’t find good employment opportunities in the country they were born in? Not to mention the proliferation of “imports” (or the very fact that we have a term for it), and I’m not talking about merchandise. Many sports and TV personalities we favor are of partially Filipino-descent, and the nature of their citizenship only becomes an issue when it’s convenient (or inconvenient, depending on who brings up the matter). Yet while some Filipinos favor Fil-Americans and Fil-Europeans, the same outlook doesn’t extend to their Asian counterparts. The Chinese will always be Chinese to certain segments of the population, even if they’ve lived here all their life and adopted native practices. Filipinos don’t take pride in their Filipino-Chinese community, yet praise their Taiwanese soap-opera heroes and heroines.

Even among Filipinos, not a lot view themselves as part of the whole nation. We identify ourselves by our region or by the dialect we speak. A running joke is a person is asked “Are you a Filipino?” and they would reply “No, I’m [insert local region here],” the practice of which will astound even the optimists. And who do Filipinos vote for during election? Not necessarily the one that’s best for the country, but the one that’s best for their region (although perhaps we’re not unique when it comes to that voting practice). The contradiction is that Filipinos are extremely loyal to the region they belong to (just ask any Cebuano and they’ll proudly tell you they’re Cebuano), but not to their country.

The country’s literature attempts too much to be socially aware, to be socially relevant that it comes at the expense of other genres. But in the end, such books are only patronized by the literati, while the very society it tries to help enjoy their romance novels and celebrity magazines. When it comes to animation and comics, a lot enjoy the products of Japan and America, not realizing that some of the animators, artists, and writers are Filipinos. And when those same people come out with local works or tell people that they’re the ones behind people’s favorites, some can’t help but stare with either disbelief or skepticism. The nation also has lots of indigenous resources, whether cultural, natural, or ideological. Yet who takes the time to invest in such treasures, or recognize such valuables? Is it the local populace, or the foreigners? Look at the martial art arnis; while it has a cult following locally, there’s probably an even bigger following abroad.

Amidst this bleak outlook, perhaps the only thing bleaker are the reaction of the populace. Do we seek to solve the problems we face? Many choose to flee instead, migrating to a different country, not realizing that the places they wish to relocate have problems of their own. What government doesn’t have its own share of corruption and political turmoil? And it’s not really such a big mystery why the West is fascinated by the East, and vice versa; the Philippines is no exception to the disease of familiarity. Of course everyone will claim they have things worse, until they experience first-hand what other people are experiencing. While the Philippines does indeed paint a bleak picture, there are probably other countries which are suffering more. The only difference is that their population is perhaps more hopeful. And for every hundred of Filipinos who are tired of this country, there will always be at least one vanguard who will fight unto death for the country he owes an allegiance to. Some might criticize what can one person do, but change always begins with one man. And there will be the uncounted supporters of the Philippines, be they Filipinos living abroad or in this country of ours; they may not have Filipino blood or even citizenship, but their true loyalties can be seen in their actions. For Filipinos, the question isn’t whether we are capable of being loyal or not, but rather to who we owe our allegiance to.

[Essay] I'm A Book Snob

2005-11-30T17:34:00.000+08:00

There’s this strange phenomenon when it comes to the act of reading books. I mean modern society places a high value on reading: when we talk about books, it’s a sign of intellect, of value, of something worthwhile. And when someone claims that he or she has written a book, we give that person respect. Perhaps this is why many people whose careers doesn’t revolve around writing come out with books of their own: celebrities, politicians, doctors, athletes, etc. By coming out with a book of their own, it’s like saying to the whole world “Hey! I’m smart too!” Getting published is like the cherry on top of an already-impressive resume and adds validation to their success. But as much as we value book reading, how many actually takes the time to do so?

While I’m a voracious reader of books, it would be foolish of me to assume that everyone else is like me. Contrary to popular belief, I think our world is full of readers; just not the type that reads novels. Magazines, video games, comics, blogs, web pages... there’s a proliferation of reading material and people do read these stuff. When you hand them a book though, you can hear them sighing inwardly, and the air stirs with the unasked question: how many pages does it have? Novels, in their big, thick format, have a way of intimidating people. Some people find it an accomplishment if they read a book in a year (and one that’s not required reading, either for school or for work), even if it takes you less than a few days to finish reading one.

Despite its lack of readership, we nonetheless value book reading. I mean how many best-seller lists have we seen, and we may not like the author of the book but we’re nonetheless impressed by their accomplishment. One question we also fail to ask ourselves is if book X is on the best-seller list, why haven’t we read it? Or worse, it’s on our bookshelves, we just haven’t made the time to read it. We talk about book X to our friends, and they claim that they bought the book as well. Have they read it? Yes. Have they finished reading the novel? No. They stopped at this page and that (ranging from single digits to halfway of the book). There’s even the phenomenon of movie-adaptation novels. Just look at Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings. I’m not talking about spoilers, but people who watch these movies usually buy the books they were based on. Why? I’m not really sure. Some actually attempt to read the books they bought. Others simply use it as a conversation piece, so that they can say that they have the books. But honestly, these people would prefer to watch the movie (and there’s nothing wrong with that). As an acquaintance of mine said, why bother reading the book when you can watch it on the big screen? Just don’t be pretentious about it.

On the other side of things, since we don’t take the time to read the books we judge, the release of a book isn’t as big as we make it out to be. Sure, you’ve come out with a book. It doesn’t mean you’re intellectual, you’re a gifted writer, or whatever other connotations you want to attach to it. First and foremost, the ability to get published isn’t a matter of skill, but a function of money. If I were a wealthy person, who’s to stop me from publishing my own book? The printer certainly won’t stop me, it’s business for them (especially if you pay on time). My PR would be happy as well for the reasons I stated above. My critics would be against it, but hey, they’re my critics. As for book reviewers, anyone can do a book review; I’ll just label them as critics. Bookstores won’t mind as long as I either pay for shelf space, or actually sell well (good PR substitutes as well). That’s not to say independent publishers are vanity publishers (“I print because I want to stroke my own ego.”), but when someone comes out with a book, I try to think what’s their agenda. And agendas vary; some want to pursue a literary intent (which may or may not be a good thing), some for propaganda purposes, others simply to entertain, to earn, to teach. Each has a different intent and it would be erroneous for us to conclude one general statement for all of them.

[Essay] Points of View

2005-11-18T10:14:00.000+08:00

I find it strange at how people will generally tell you that there are several sides to every story, yet when faced with a particular encounter, will seek only one and follow that interpretation as if it were the gospel. It could be something you were taught in school, a statement a friend said, or perhaps your own personal belief. As a writer and a moral human being, I try to view everything in as many perspectives as I can. The quest for truth, after all, will constantly be elusive, and I am far from wise to discern which is true and which is deceitful. Perhaps the best I can hope for is to gather as much information as I can, and make the appropriate judgment.

There are various reasons for having different points of view. Some simply result from a misunderstanding, while others end with much malice involved. Yet people in my experience, more often than not, assume the latter, or when they discover it’s the former, refuse to reconcile. But that’s part of the human experience I guess.

I honestly love giving gifts. I love seeing people happy. Unfortunately, not all gifts are truly gifts: some are tributes, bribes, or even Trojan horses. I once gave a gift to someone I was acquainted with, but didn’t know well enough. On my side of the story, the gift was born of true affection, seeking nothing in return. It was a gesture, a selfish gesture perhaps, but a sincere one nonetheless. I didn’t know any better back then, but the recipient eventually became mad at me. From her point of view, I wasn’t giving a gift. It could have been a bribe to get into her good graces, a show of wealth, or something else entirely. Both of us had good and honorable intentions, yet it ended badly. Was I to blame, or perhaps her? Some of you might say it’s the latter’s fault, that her own paranoia caused the rift. That’s an easy conclusion to say, but who knows what her history was? Perhaps she was betrayed in the past, or had a similar experience: that’s not to justify her actions, mind you, but give them a basis. Some of the best intentions, after all, end badly. That’s true in this case. It reminds me of a commercial by the bank HSBC: two executives, one Asian, one Western, were having dinner at a ramen shop. The latter was trying to impress the former, so he finished his bowl of noodles, since it was rude to leave food on your plate. For the former though, emptying your bowl meant that one had not eaten enough, and that the host lacked generosity Not to be outdone, the Asian host requested more food, while the Western executive continued to eat and eat, not wanting to upset the other party. Obviously conflict arose, but it was not something intentional, but merely because both parties had differing perspectives, and they weren’t aware of it.

Striking something closer to home, I often hear the Filipino phrase hindi ko na problema ‘yon (“that’s not my problem”). I hear it in the workplace, with the people I talk to, and sometimes even my friends. Most people, I think, want to live in a specialized world, where all they need to focus on is their tiny but specific duty. Unfortunately, reality doesn’t work that way. For employees like me, we have bosses, and people above us in the hierarchy ladder (or simply people who’s tasks are entwined with ours, but we have no control over). For employers, there are several factors governing them, from economic variables, their target market, the government, and perhaps even rivals. Now when someone approaches me to do something, they want immediate results. I want immediate results as well, but some tasks assigned to me is beyond my power. It could be waiting for my boss to approve something, or waiting for a coworker to do this and that task. When I give my reasons to the other party, they don’t want excuses. They utter the all-too familiar phrase. Yet when the tables are reversed, they blame their bosses, their coworkers, the government, virtually everyone else. Now I’m understanding and I know when you can’t bleed blood out of stone. But other people are not as considerate. My coworker was recently requesting a permit from a certain company. Now I was tasked with talking to the other party, and much like Murphy’s Law in action, the other side didn’t have the permit ready yet. They said that everything was done, and that they were just waiting for their boss to sign the form. Now I understand that situation, and I’ve faced it myself often. So did my coworker. Yet when I relayed that message to my coworker, she was infuriated, again stating the familiar phrase. She’s experienced such a situation herself, yet expect others to climb out of a hole she herself can’t escape. The problem I have with the statement “that’s not my problem” is that it lacks empathy; we make a separation between us and the other person, when in truth we actually share a lot of things in common. It’s separating our problems from theirs, when in actuality, they’re interconnected. Does conflict arise in such a situation? Yes. The perspectives are actually the same; we just refuse to acknowledge that the other side’s excuse is as valid as ours. Your problem is my problem; that’s why I’m so affected by it. I know it’s out of your hands, yet I blame you nonetheless. And that is perhaps the root cause of this problem: we want someone to blame other than ourselves. When people complain about the government, not solving do they ask themselves what they would do if they were in the politician’s place? Sometimes the solutions we come up with are no better than those of our scapegoats.

Ever been in the middle of a conflict between friends? They’d tell differing accounts, each one portraying the other to be the villain. For example, I have this friend who had a quarrel with his girlfriend (let’s call him Friend A). I also have this friend who’s a friend of the girlfriend (let’s call her Friend B). Now Friend A and Friend B will tell identical accounts… up to a certain point. From that point on, it’s either Friend A that’s the villain, or the girlfriend that was in error. Obviously, Friend A and Friend B were telling the truth up to a certain point. After that, some lies and confusion have been mixed in. Now there are several causes for that. I’m sure some of you have experienced exaggerating a story, and have it grow in the telling. The original story might involve ten people, then when passed on it becomes twenty people, then thirty, until it reaches a thousand. The more people it passes through, the greater the inconsistency. Or it could be something intentional, people blinding themselves and others to the whole story. In high school, I got into this fight with one of my classmates during PE class. He hit me in the nose, giving me a nosebleed. When the teacher asked me what happened, I told him my classmate hit me in the nose because I constantly kept blocking him in the basketball game. Which was true. What I didn’t tell my teacher was that my classmate goes so infuriated with me constantly blocking him that he elbowed me in the stomach, causing me great pain. In retaliation, I spat at his face, and he retaliated in return with the punch. Would my omission have changed who was wrong? Perhaps not, but it’s an important piece in the gigantic puzzle of human conflict. My case probably would have been less sympathetic had I mentioned it, yet I deluded myself that it didn’t matter. I didn’t plan on omitting that part yet when it came to the situation of attaching blame, yet I did. It’s not something I’m proud of, yet people twist their narratives in small but integral ways: it could be omitting some events, or a small lie. Friend A, for example, after a series of reasons for breaking up, mentioned that his girlfriend cheated once on him. Yet when I talked tot Friend B, it was the reverse: it wasn’t the girlfriend that cheated but Friend A. Of course that wasn’t the only reason for the conflict (many reasons were stated) but it could be that one fact that swings your opinion of the person. Truth mixed with lies, sometimes intentional, sometimes delusional; digging into the heart of the matter is more difficult to ponder than an outright lie, and is perhaps one of the easiest things to assuage our conscience, even if we were the ones at fault.

In grade school, two people who bullied me were friends (let’s call them Bully A and Bully B). Now in order to start fights, Bully A would tell lies to their target. “Person X said this about you,” Bully A would say, while Bully B would confirm that statement. That way, my classmates would get into fights that wouldn’t have started. Or if the person refused to be intimidated by the insult, either Bully A or would Be would chide the person to fight and keep pressing him on the whole day. “He said this and that about you, you’ll just let that pass?” was something they’d say. Now both Bully A and Bully B were in the business of spreading lies. The thing I found funny and ironic is that when Bully A told lies to Bully B, the latter didn’t realize it, despite having known Bully A for quite some time. One quarrel Bully A wanted was between me and Bully B, so he told Bully B that I insulted him, despite not doing so. Of course Bully B believed him, and we started to quarrel despite me constantly denying what Bully A said. Now that’s simply malice. It’s not a fact that was twisted to their own purpose, but sheer spite. The statement had no basis, yet it was believed. Both sides have entirely different accounts, and obviously, one of them is lying. But who do people believe? I mean Bully B knew Bully A’s track record of lies and deceit yet it was him who he believed, not me. Just goes to show that people don’t always believe what’s rational, but what they want to believe. Just look at people’s opinions. Supporters of FPJ believe that president GMA poisoned him. Local conspiracy theorists believe that as well, along with the other crimes of GMA. More level-headed people attribute GMA to graft and corruption, but not outright assassination, at least that of FPJ.

So you have these four scenarios for conflict, each with differing perspectives. Which one is the correct one, and how do we find out who’s telling the truth. A conclusion some people might come up with is that we go with the vote of the majority. I mean surely there were a lot of witnesses to verify the truth, hence the majority of believers of which side was right.. But that’s not an accurate measure of what really happened. Many people believe rumors, and they aren’t always true. A majority vote only proves how effective your propaganda is, not whether you’re truly innocent or not. I mean in the scenario of me giving gifts, the only people who’ll know my side of the story is if they ask me, and what if I’m an unpopular guy? Or worse, people take the other person’s story at face value. So it merely ends up as a race of who tells the story first. Or in the case of Friend A and Friend B, it becomes a popularity contest: who knows the most friends? So the real story, again, becomes elusive, and we’re left with these multiple views. What’s the use of having multiple perspectives if you can’t discern which is right? (Some would even settle for merely knowing which is wrong.)

There are telltale signs though. In the case of Bully A, Bully B, and me, it comes down to character. While it doesn’t always work (since some people do become repentant of their ways, and just because you’re a liar doesn’t meet you always lie), integrity can lead us to who’s right and who’s wrong. Bully B, after all, knows Bully A’s personality. I’m surprised he didn’t doubt Bully A’s word. It’s like the reverse of the Boy Who Cried Wolf: believe the liar. Of course such tactics are less clear. In the case of Friend A and Friend B for example, who’s the liar there? If you didn’t know them very well, it’s hard to tell. But I was very familiar with both of them, and it’s not the first time that Friend A had a case of manipulated truth: stories which were identical to the other side, except with a few details altered. Of course I could be wrong and he might have been innocent this time, but one’s previous actions are the only thing I have going for me. Others need more investigation, whether comparing other accounts, or digging up more information. Did president GMA poison FPJ? An autopsy report would solve that. And at times, there’s no real conflict to be resolved: we just want to attach blame. It’s like blaming an employee for the faults of his or her employer, even if the employee is powerless to change the company’s policies.

People often think that their point of view is the best one. I, however, think there’s a certain flaw in that kind of reasoning. How can we come to a valid conclusion if we’re so self-centered? Do we know what the poverty-stricken feel by remaining in our ivory towers? Do we find the answers to our questions without doing research, but solve it through sheer cognitive will? The best way is perhaps to view it from another person’s point of view, and understand their motivations. We’ll still come up with our own conclusions, but it’s a theory based on the experience of others, and not just ours.

[Essay] Since When Did I Become An Optimist?

2005-11-11T10:36:00.000+08:00

You know the person who’s present at public gatherings, yet does nothing but sulk in a corner? And when you attempt a conversation, you sense the lack of enthusiasm, and the person seems to be more concerned about his or her own personal problems rather than the topic at hand? Perhaps it’s so emotionally painful to talk to such a person because you feel your spirit seep out of you, as if the he or she was slowly leeching at your life. While sycophants prey on the popularity of others, this one does the reverse: no matter how humble you are or how optimistic you’re feeling, you simply get drained.

Not so long ago, I was one of these people. When people speak of auras, mine was several meters long. Whenever I’d see people, depression would kick in because of the loneliness I felt. This, in turn, would drive other people away, causing me more grief. Thus it was a self-perpetuating cycle, an ouroboros of self-pity. Any rational person would see how illogical this behavior was, yet emotion never subscribed to reason.

What I noticed during this time is that, well, negative emotions are contagious. When you feel sad, other people can’t help but feel sad as well, unless they distance themselves from you. As much as other people determine who we are, we also determine who we are, and how other people treat us. If you want to be treated with pity, then feel pitiful for yourself. Perhaps a tactic some beggars use in this poverty-stricken country of ours is to look and feel sorry for themselves, as if fate has been cruel to them and all that’s left are the scraps the benevolent are willing to give. With such an attitude, you can’t help but feel sorry for them (being the “benevolent” person that you are), and they in turn won’t change their lifestyle short of divine intervention.

Of course it’s also strange to see a happy, well-off man in constant company of such a pessimistic fellow. The old adage birds of the same feather flock together ring true more than opposites attract, despite what soap operas on TV might profess. Perhaps a better example would be who do you go to when you want to mad or angry at someone? Do you hang out with optimistic people, who might make your concerns seem trivial, or unjustified? Or would you rather be with similarly angst-filled men and women who can relate with your rage, and provide input of their own? Angry people in the company of other angry people make a very angry crowd.

This basic concept is what makes mob rule prevalent. You have angry people, agitated people, and apathetic men and women. In a span of a few minutes and after some bolstering on the part of the angry people, the entire group soon becomes, well, a mob. Even the apathetic ones are rallied into the cause of the wrathful, because emotions are contagious.

Yet what’s sad is that the opposite is not always true. While people do congregate to bolster themselves in positive ways, have you ever had a scenario where someone you now fared significantly better than you? It could be a relative, a good friend, or an acquaintance. While we feel happy for them, a tiny spark in us feels selfish. It’s called jealousy. We ask ourselves why it didn’t happen to us, especially if it’s a peer we’re more or less familiar with. Celebrities, politicians, and heroes are someone we elevate ahead of us. When a local athlete wins an international competition, we feel happy for him. When a friend becomes that athlete and gains the acclaim of our fellow friends, it might be fair to say that we feel both happiness and jealousy. The problem with the latter is that if we repress it too much, it spreads like a malignant poison. It’s not evident at first but later on, happiness makes way for jealousy. We become spiteful of the positive emotions around us; in other words, we become a cynic.

But jealousy is not the only emotion that keeps us apart. Do you have friends whom you can’t really relate to? I mean one girl I know is full of bubbly cheer. She always smiles, is often positive, and speaks in a high, perky voice. While acquainting with her is fine, the moment I rant, it’s simply brushed off by all her enthusiasm. And what I mean by brushed off, you explain your case yet you don’t get the reaction you expect. Human beings really want yes-men as their companions. Or at least someone who can relate to your struggles, even if they won’t always agree with your opinions. In my previously mentioned scenario, she completely circumvents that because our emotional thresholds are too far apart (she’s too far on the positive side, while I’m too far on the negative). So expectations can also keep people apart, in the long term if not in the short term.

So where does that leave us? Are human beings destined to live our the rest of their existence lonely and full of negative cheer? One fact many people forget is free will. As much as external factors can affect how we feel, we can also choose what to feel. Now some people might point out that emotion isn’t something we control: if someone scratches you, you feel pain. It’s not a choice of whether you feel pain or not. Well, let me clarify. Emotion probably has two levels: an immediate effect and a lasting effect. If a mosquito bites you, the first sensation you feel is pain. That’s what I call the immediate effect. You feel the pain. What happens next is the lasting effect, and is perhaps what we can control. I mean one common reaction we can do is bitch about the insect bite, and talk about it all day. How it ruins our skin, how it makes our arm itch, how it was unlucky of us. That, however, is merely one perspective we can take. Other people can move on, and simply view it as a daily fact. That’s a more neutrally-centered emotion. Or some people can even see it as a blessing, that they’re still capable of feeling and staying in touch with the world (and a rare few will probably be happy that they were able to feed an insect). Now those three emotions are something we can control. Granted, our “default” emotion might be different (the first time I get bitten, my instinct might be to rant about it), but we can always alter our perspectives. I mean I still get bitten by mosquitoes, but instead of complaining about it all day, I usually do something more practical, such as swatting it or rubbing my skin with alcohol (mosquito-repellants aren’t really for me). Did I feel pain when I was bitten? Slightly. Did I let it affect my whole day? No. Which goes to show how self-control, and perhaps optimism can carry you to another level.

But wait, what does that have to do with our topic? Well, as much as negative emotions are contagious, a strong will can negate the pessimistic feelings other people are exuding. Just because I’m with a grumpy old man doesn’t mean I have to be grumpy too. Granted, that’s not always the case. Even the most stalwart of human beings might give in to mob rule or peer pressure, given the proper circumstance. In such a case, what’s there left to do? The answer is to simply avoid such situations. I mean if you’re prone to drunkenness, don’t go to a bar, even if you tell yourself at the start you won’t drink. Or in the case of short-tempered friends and you want to keep your cool, don’t hang around with them too much (note that I said too much… ostracizing friends isn’t exactly the best recommendation you know).

As for my aura of despair and depression, well, I do follow my own advice. Which is probably why there’s always a hint of hope in whatever I write. As far as emotions go though, be wary of them. Because they’re infectious, and you’re not just affecting yourself, but other people as well.

On The Chronicles of Narnia

2005-11-02T17:57:00.000+08:00

Weta workshop seems to be racking in the epics as they made the costume and set design for Peter Jackson’s epic movie Lord of the Rings and now The Chronicles of Narnia, which is based on C.S. Lewis’s highly successful children’s book series. Of course it’s worth noting that J.R.R. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis lived in the same milieu, and the two are actually good friends.

Personally, the Narnia books strike me as something controversial. I’m not a big fan of Tolkien, and I’m even much less a fan of C.S. Lewis. Philip Pullman, a young adult writer, dislikes Lewis, and his best-selling, award winning His Dark Materials trilogy is actually a reaction to The Chronicles of Narnia. As for his opinions on the yet-unreleased movie, he has several complaints on the subject matter. Some scoff his arguments as petty jealousy, resentment, or a publicity stunt to boost the sales of his own books. Does his arguments have merit?

The problem with The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe and its sequels deal with values. Many works of fantasy draw as inspiration various myths. In the case of Lewis’s successful work (along with his science-fiction and philosophy writings), his basis was Christianity. Now the initial reaction of many would say that’s a good thing. Closer inspection though and actual reading of The Chronicles of Narnia would reveal that Lewis was a product of his time, and shares a more conservative stance on religion. Now I don’t have a problem with the pilot book (and most well-known in the series) The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, but I do with the others. In one of the later books, for example, it’s revealed that one of the characters is deemed as less than savory simply because she adopts a tomboyish (i.e. wears pants) lifestyle. Pullman does have basis for his arguments, but just because there is proof does not mean the argument ends.

An issue with literature is its struggle to keep up with the times. Classics have stopped being classics simply because they’re now viewed as unacceptable, such as a book referring to African Americans as niggers is now labeled as racism. The Chronicles of Narnia comes under similar scrutiny. One camp in general defends these books that some might consider outdated, stating that they are nonetheless classics and merely reflect their era. Others, on the other hand, are less forgiving, and deem that such books should stop being required reading for their children. Both sides have good points, although in the end, it’s up to the individual to decide what is appropriate and what is inappropriate. On my side, do I really want children to be influenced by the conservative views Lewis had? (Lewis considered teaching women a waste of his time, for example.) Yet the literati in me shudders at the thought of a body of work sentenced to extinction simply because it was deemed “inappropriate”.

Narnia is also a controversial issue for me because it contains the seeds for both acceptance and denial of the fantasy genre in Christianity. The genre of fantasy, unfortunately, is discouraged by the church, more so among the Protestant folk. This, of course, is not without basis. Fantasy novels and short stories usually contain magical elements and unfortunately, the Bible considers any form of sorcery as tools of the devil. This isn’t helped by the way media has sensationalized various fantasy icons, whether it’s Dungeons & Dragons, video games, and certain RPGs. So is it a sin to read a fantasy book? No. But one side of the church states that there are those prone to such weaknesses, whether it’s juxtaposing fiction with non-fiction (which is one of their fears when it comes to The Da Vinci Code), or taking it too seriously. Again, the question we must ask is whether such fears are justified. Well, in a certain way, yes. I mean in any group, there will always be someone who will harness it for the wrong ends. A knife, for example, has many uses, from cooking to carving to a useful tool in general. There’ll always be a chance though that someone will use the knife to stab someone. That’s the same fear the church has with fantasy books, except you know, you don’t ban knives from people just because there’s a possibility that they might harm other people (or in the case of children, themselves) using it.

Now I’m not saying the banning of fantasy books is a cardinal rule. It’s a gray area at best, and some people take extreme lengths, while others possess more tolerant views. Some people consider the Harry Potter books inappropriate even without reading it (or taking the word of their priests/pastors), while others have a more liberal view. Still, don’t be surprised at the vehement condemnation of a practitioner at something like Harry Potter. I’m just surprised that they haven’t focused on the biggest fish of them all, Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings, which is the father of modern adult fantasy. (Perhaps Tolkien’s association with Lewis had something to do with it. Which brings me to my next point.)

The exception, of course, is The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe and the rest of the books in the series, mainly due to its Christianity-based lore. Never mind the fact that the protagonists uses magic as well, even if it’s for the side of “good” (as if fantasy novels never portrayed heroes using magic for the good of all). The church’s tolerance of The Chronicles of Narnia is something of a double standard. I mean on one hand, they’re proclaiming that fantasy is a gray area. On the other hand, they’re giving The Chronicles of Narnia their full support, and is actually one of the few works of fiction that I see on the shelves of Christian bookstores.

Of course it’s interesting to note that while Christian belief and the church in general has evolved over the years (despite what some of them might deny), the values The Chronicles of Narnia teaches hasn’t, simply because it’s a text set in stone. There’ll be new interpretations of it, but the fact that it does possess ethnocentrism, for example, can never be invalidated. I find it ironic that the church is opting for tolerance of humanity (i.e. forgiveness of sins, caring for your neighbor, etc.) in general, yet one of the books that they promote breeds intolerance. Of course Narnia will appeal to the more conservative practitioners of Christianity, especially with Lewis’s rather zealous stance.

On a more optimistic side, Christianity has broken its own rule by accepting The Chronicles of Narnia as part of their doctrine. In supporting The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, it is also inadvertently supporting the very genre it has rallied against. Which gives hope for the fantasy genre to perhaps gain more acceptance in the future.

[Essay] Born A Sadist

2005-10-15T09:35:00.000+08:00

On the news today, the radio commentator was narrating at how firemen unleashed a torrent of water on a prayer vigil that was suspected to be a rally. The commentator was vehement at the fireman, whom he noticed was taking pleasure in hosing down several people in addition to a senator and a priest. He recommended that the fireman be given a psychological analysis, since he was gleeful in his act of violence towards other people, as if this were an unnatural thing.

While I’m not a supporter of violence, to deny that it’s a part of us is folly. We have several positive emotions, but we also have negative ones: sadness, depression, despair, greed, hate, and yes, the need to inflict injury on another creature.

I’ve witnessed that a number of people, when angered, lash out at something. Sometimes, it’s merely a verbal insult or shout. At other times, it’s something more physical, from throwing objects at another person to hitting the wall with their fists. In such a scenario, people give in to their primal nature. And that nature involves violence.

There’s a certain pleasure we receive from inflicting pain, whether it’s on another human being or on other creatures. Why is revenge so appealing to many? To anyone who’s harmed us or our loved ones, we don’t want to simply jail them. We want them to suffer, whether it’s ripping them apart limb from limb, cutting out their innards, or torturing them by pulling out their fingernails and sticking needles in them. Those who dislike certain animals take pleasure in their suffering as well, whether it’s watching ants burn as you focus a magnifying glass on them, or hearing the scrunch of cockroaches as you firmly step on them, twisting your feet to make sure they die.

I’m not saying this is necessarily a good thing, but it is a part of us. People can’t help it any more than they can be greedy, or selfish, or lazy. We can control such emotions, but we can never expunge it from our system, short of creating a villainous doppelganger of ourselves ala Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Some people find release in other ways, whether it’s the rhythm of cutting up a butchered pig, striking at boxing bags and inflatable dummies, or playing games from Street Fighter to Paintball.

In the case of the fireman in the incident, perhaps it was his way of lashing out. I mean a senator was there, and wasn’t she a representative of the government? The same government that’s impotent in helping the country rise from poverty, the same government that perpetuates many injustices? And there was a priest. The church seems to be meddling in everything, yet to no avail, or worse, are hypocrites. I’m not saying these motives are justified, merely that many people succumb to this kind of reasoning. Even my driver, far from a saint, has a prejudice against cops of any kind, honking his horn whenever he sees one, the noise he generates his form of retaliation.

But despite all the horrible things our violent nature is capable of causing, I find it ironic that instead of facing this reality, many people turn away from it. It could be censorship, closing one’s eyes to the realities in life, or simple denial. In a way, it’s like a cancer patient ignoring the fact that he has cancer. Instead of finding a cure, we pretend that everything’s all right and that everything in the world is okay. It’s not. And if it was, I’d be the first person to panic. The thing to fear most is not a man that is violent, but a man who appears to have no vicious tendencies whatsoever. Either he’s not human, he’s lobotomized, or hiding his skeletons in a very dark and deep closet.

[Essay] Love, Courage, and other Virtues

2005-10-13T14:05:00.000+08:00

Why do people exalt virtues? Is it because in reality, such qualities are scarce? We give merit to concepts like love and courage, as if by default, men and women were born selfish and cowardly. Yet who hasn’t fallen in love, or felt a surge of fearlessness in his or her life? Even the foulest villains, or the people we despise most, have at one point in time experienced these emotions. Arguably, some even dare to perform their dastardly actions because of these very traits. So let me ask you, what separates true love from falling in love, true bravery from mere boldness?

Virtues, I believe, are the product of a conscious choice. The rest are simply emotions. Yet people confuse the two, equating emotions with virtues. We claim we’re in love with someone when we get that giddy feeling inside. Once the flame’s gone, we’re tempted to break off the relationship. When we face a great challenge in life, be it from a physical, mental, or spiritual source, one of our initial reactions is fear. Some people will say to themselves that they’re not brave or courageous, simply because of the emotion they’re feeling.

To subscribe to such a belief undermines one of the benefits of human existence: free will. If we were merely creatures who acted upon our emotions, then humanity would be reduced to a science, a field of study in which behavior is determined by the laws of causality. A ball, for example, has no free will. It goes where we lead it, and follows the direction of the force exerted upon it. The same goes for objects. Animals, to a certain extent, follow the same rules. They are creatures that obey instinct and feeling, and it is for this reason that animals are trainable. If they were so free from their desires, then the reward-and-punishment system of training wouldn’t be so effective. Yet animals have more will compared to objects. Some animals, for example, are not trainable, and there will always be that small part of trained animals that remains unpredictable, or will break the norm. If we simply followed every urge we felt, then I dare say that animals are more human than us because even they don’t always give in to impulse.

Another reason why conscious choice is important is because of the element of difficulty. In a war, we expect well-trained soldiers to lay their lives in battle. However, we do not have the same expectations for civilians, people who do not have the proper training. The former are conditioned to face combat so many times that when they hear shots being fired, there is still fear, but it is quickly suppressed because of prior experience. The latter, on the other hand, might panic when they hear a warning shot. So in face of danger, which do you think is more likely to enter the fray of battle? The former, but if the latter does it, some perceive it as a form of heroism, because it simply was more difficult for the latter.

Or to put it in another way, which do you think will make more of a sacrifice if they are asked to lay down their life in order to save several people? A suicidal man who has nothing to live for, or a family man who has a family and friends he loves? The value of virtue is not always whether you do it or how often you do it, but what it costs you to do it. A person who enters the fray of battle and does not fear for his life is well and good. It would be more difficult though for someone who felt fear, and had to conquer his weakness. I’m not disputing that the former was brave, but the latter exhibited more courage, not because he was immune to fear, but because he felt it and acted despite that feeling.

A question you might ask is what use is all of this to me? So I’ve differentiated virtue from emotion, so what? It’s been my experience that people use emotion as an excuse not to do what they’re supposed to do, or utilize it as a license to do what one shouldn’t. For example, many so-called writers claim that they only write when inspiration strikes them. If that were the case, then everyone would be writers. I mean who wouldn’t write if they were inspired? But the reality is that a lot of writers write, no matter what they’re feeling. I approve of inspiration. Many masterpieces are borne out of epiphanies. Yet a lot of classics were born not out of divine providence but sheer hard work. I guess that’s one benefit of pursuing a career in a field you love, be it drawing, writing, or any other craft: you’re forced to do it no matter what you’re feeling. I mean in school, when my teacher asks me to submit a term paper, I don’t use the excuse “I’ll write it when I’m inspired”. If you must do it with inspiration, then there are techniques to find inspiration, whether it’s research, or letting yourself be engulfed by new experiences. Another example is divorce. While there are many good reasons to file a divorce, some terminate the relationship because they don’t feel anything anymore. While I’m not married, I know that love is far from mere emotion. Why do I love my parents, and why do they love me? I stopped being cute and cuddly when I turned four. And my parents are far from the most amiable of people, at least to me. Yet we love each other nonetheless, through good times and bad times. It’s not a feeling, it’s a commitment. People are surprised when parents abandon their child, or when children leave their parents. It just goes to show that relationships are a choice. We may not choose who our parents are, but we can always choose to leave them. Or not. And while our parents might feel duty-bound to take care of us, they honestly don’t have to, and there will inevitably be a time when they must let go and allow their children to fend for themselves. Why not sooner, right?

Virtues are about choices. Emotions might influence how we make our choices, but in the end, it’s our free will that determine that paths we take. Sometimes, it’s good to give in to emotions. When you’ve been burned by touching a hot stove, you’d be a fool not to move your hand away. It’s also due to emotions that artists are able to create their most magnificent works, allowing their experiences to affect their creations. But there will always be times when we must resist our initial drives, when we must conquer our passions. If I ran from every experience that brought fear or discouragement, then I would never grow. If I succumbed to my fear of drowning, then I would never have learned to swim. If I gave in to laziness, I would never write.

The beauty of this fact is that it gives us hope. When we look at our country and see the bleakness of it all, that’s not our consciousness talking but our emotions. It’s easy to see things as they are, to succumb to pessimism. To anyone who’s renovated a home, you’ll know that sometimes, what you start out with is a piece of trash. It has lots of potential, but until that possibility is harnessed, the place just looks like any other home or warehouse, albeit without the niceties. What eventually turns it into a magnificent place is the work and effort put into it. You didn’t say hey, this place looks bad, let’s move on to a better house. What you said was this place doesn’t look good, but it can change: it has potential. So when it’s finally remodeled, it’s the best area to live in. For me, this country is like that. We need lots of work, yet it all begins with a decision. I’ll admit, it’s a choice that more than one person needs to make, but a conversion is always possible. And perhaps that is our one source of hope. No matter how corrupt or criminal or dishonest our country becomes, it just needs a collective decision to make it a better place. And believing in that, my friend, takes love, courage, and all the other virtues you can think of.

[Essay] Losing

2005-10-11T10:23:00.000+08:00

If there’s any insult that will last through the ages, it’s being called a loser. No one wants to lose after all. But perhaps what makes losing so painful is the fact that it’s equated with failure, and people in general have feared the big F word.

It’s always been my belief that failure isn’t something that one should fear. Should one dislike it? Of course. It’ll motivate you not to make the same mistake the next time. But in the event that it does happen, instead of whining and feeling sorry for yourself, the proper attitude should be what we can learn from it. And if you look at the cycle of human history, one of the best ways people have learned is by making mistakes. Avoid it when you can, but embrace the lessons it teaches when it does happen. Of course having said that, failure is inevitable. We can’t be great at everything (although we can always strive for it), and sometimes, one must take risks in order to gain great rewards. That means getting hurt, but pain avoidance isn’t always the best medicine.

As I said, no one likes losing, including me. But there is one instance when a small part of myself cherishes it. The one time I don’t mind losing is when I’m playing games. One might think it’s due to the fact that there’s little to lose in a “game”. Well, Poker is a game and various people have lots their lives playing it. Even playing something as simple as Monopoly takes away something valuable from you: time. So even in playing games, a person has something to lose. Granted, it’s not as financially disastrous as losing your job, but losing a game is far from a pleasurable experience.

If truth be told, I don’t mind losing a game the first time. For one thing, it teaches me how to play the game. It’s by making mistakes that we learn the important moves or tactics in a game, what to do and what not to do. Sometimes, when we’re pressed into a corner, we suddenly discover alternatives or consider strategies we wouldn’t have ordinarily considered. But let’s say you lost, and you didn’t learn anything from it. I still take a small pleasure in losing because I don’t like defeat, and suddenly there’s a drive in me to succeed. I develop a persistence to succeed, and my mind suddenly becomes active and all my energies are devoted to winning. It doesn’t matter if I have to lose 99 times to win my 100th game. I just hope my opponent has the same persistence as I do so that I can truly say that my skill has developed.

This mentality of mine applies to all kinds of games I play, whether it’s card games, board games, video games, or *gasp*, even sports. Just the other day, my interest in Warcraft 3 has been rekindled by playing a match on one of its custom scenarios. I’ve been training ever since.

Of course I don’t think I’m the only person who acts like this. I’m sure there are other people who are motivated by such things. It might not be games in general but one particular passion of theirs. It might be not getting the proper music notes right, or forgetting a line in a soliloquy, or not getting the right taste when cooking a meal. Despite the failure, there’s a drive to succeed and improve.

Sadly, this isn’t a trait we apply to everything. We’re selective about it, choosing which circumstances it functions. There’s a desire to improve despite previous failure, but only on select fields of interests. An athlete might possess the drive to win during a sports competition, but not during his academic exam. A writer might struggle to find the appropriate word in a story, but not the right equation to solve a mathematics problem. In a way, we limit ourselves, not because we’re incapable of developing the right mentality, but because we don’t apply it. We already have the right mentality, as can be seen in some of our habits. It’s just not universally applied.

Losing isn’t always such a bad thing. Sometimes, it’s a matter of perspective. We can’t always choose whether we’ll win or lose (although we can strive for it), but the one thing we can determine is how we perceive it. Sadly, the human mind can be intractable if we leave it alone.

[Book Reviews] October Book Reviews

2005-10-02T13:28:00.000+08:00

The Rating System:

1 – There are better ways to spend your time. Examples: Damphir
2 – Ho hum novels, typical of its genre. Examples: most Dragonlance and Forgotten Realms novels.
3 – A cut above the rest, these are usually standard fare stories with either an interesting twist, gorgeous visualizations, or simply make a very interesting read. Examples: Anita Blake series, Dragonlance Chronicles.
4 – Highly recommended books! An interesting read, and pioneers the genre it’s in. Examples: Kushiel’s Dart, Perdido Street Station, Good Omens.
5 – A classic. Must get at all cost. Examples: A Game of Thrones, The Fantasy Writer’s Assistant, Dune.

Sputnik Sweetheart by Haruki Murakami

Murakami takes readers for a lovely ride into the consciousness of two protagonists, a girl who has never fallen in love, and her best friend who is secretly in love with her. The words are short and simple, no long descriptions for example, but the narrative is entertaining and ever-changing in only a way Murakami can narrate. The novel might just be a translation, but much like haikus, it’s nonetheless gorgeously written, and it would seem as if it was never written in Japanese to begin with. Much like most literary fiction, reality and fantasy collide, yet it’s all just a metaphor for the human condition.

Rating: 4.5/5.

Survivor by Chuck Palahniuk

The master of psychological horror, Palahniuk takes us on a roller-coaster ride of the life of a cult survivor. It’s chock full of details, ranging from how to remove blood stains from the carpet to all the chemicals one needs to consume to preserve one’s beauty. It’s also a great concept book as the pages and chapters are numbered in reverse order, a countdown to the story’s predictable but enjoyable ending.

Rating: 4/5.

Pattern Recognition by William Gibson

A perfect example of today’s modern novel, Pattern Recognition is full of neologisms and tech-savvy terms, although it’s an easier read compared to Neuromancer. Post-apocalyptic cyberspace cities give way to a consumer-heavy present, and the reader is bombarded by all these brand labels, which as it should be as the main character has a certain allergy to such logos. The book starts out as a mystery-type novel with the main character’s history as a recurring subplot. While far from an easy read, it’s more accessible compared to his earlier work, and is geared towards a less ambiguous ending.

Rating: 4/5.

Slayers Vol 3: The Ghost of Sairaag by Hajime Kanzaki

The first few pages are already funny, if you know what to look for. Kanzaki transforms standard-fare fantasy into one with a comedic slant thanks to his writing style, while still being epic and serious at the appropriate moments. A couple of slapstick humor here though, and that doesn’t translate so well in text as it does in animation. Still, Slayers is a great diversion, and quickly cuts to the chase. Facing the aftermath of the previous books, heroine Lina Inverse encounters an old enemy she thought was dead. Despite that fact, the story supports itself well enough without needing prior knowledge of the books that preceded it.

Rating: 3/5.

After the Quake by Haruki Murakami

When you thought that Murakami’s stories couldn’t get any shorter, this collection compiles several brief narratives loosely based on an earthquake that shook Japan. Murakami’s sense of pacing here is impeccable, as the stories when it is most appropriate, giving the reader something to think about rather than closure. Much of it is an easy read, and it’s amazing where Murakami’s imagination can take you. There’s little commitment here at barely a hundred pages, but the emotional and intellectual returns are great.

Rating: 5/5.

The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger

Romance in a not-so-linear narrative, The Time Traveler’s Wife is an excellent example of good slipstream fiction. Formal fiction prose blends with science-fiction and fantasy ideas, and one gets caught up with the two main protagonists, lovers who meet each other in different stages of their life. Several quotations from poetry and philosophy sprinkle this novel, as well as various foreign words, but they don’t detract from the story, and adds to the glamour. Niffenegger’s execution of time travel and keeping track of all of it must be applauded, as well as the twists and turns one encounters in the plot.

Rating: 5/5.

The Forgotten Beasts of Eld by Patricia McKillip

Perhaps McKillip’s best-written novel ever, The Forgotten Beasts of Eld contains all the essential elements a classic. The prose is enrapturing, brief but colorful, simple yet deep. You also have a three-dimensional protagonist, who appears strong at the beginning, but eventually undergoes a transformation of her own. And while the book is short, it encapsulates a lot of things, and no line is wasted. There’s also the menagerie of creatures and riddles, presented in a way only McKillip can deliver. As if that wasn’t enough, readers are rewarded by an ending that is fulfilling but does not seem forced.

Rating: 5/5.

The Knight by Gene Wolfe

While a novel of epic proportions, more modern readers of fantasy or fiction might be detracted by Wolfe’s more traditional writing style. If one can get over that, then The Knight is a story rich in character and setting, as Wolfe draws from various Western lore. The language is archaic but appropriate, while the narrative takes the form of the protagonist writing a letter to his brother. The hero of the story is a child who suddenly finds himself in another world that has seven layers, and is soon transformed into an adult as he encounters knights and various kinds of aelfs. I couldn’t help but feel though that this book was a male fantasy, as several women try to bed the protagonist. Finally, this is truly a novel in two parts, as the second part, The Wizard, must be read in order to complete the tale. The Knight ends at a crucial juncture, not necessary leaving you hanging, although there has been a lot of build up that has not yet been resolved.

Rating: 3.5/5.

The Two Swords by R.A. Salvatore

Concluding the Hunter’s Blades trilogy, Salvatore takes his most famous character, Drizz’t Do’Urden, to new heights as his character evolves once more and realizes new epiphanies. As usual, the novel is full of what Salvatore is good at: fight scenes, both of epic scale and dramatic one-on-one battles. Any one who’s read the other books in the series will find themselves at home with this one, but those who haven’t might get lost at the opening, as Salvatore has managed to turn the exploits of Drizz’t into a massive, world-changing event that will change a part of Faerun forever. And perhaps that’s the weakness of the book, as new readers will be confounded at the various characters and perspectives, while existing fans will notice the sudden disappearance of a sub-plot being built up in the previous two novels. Everything simply gets swept away in the revolution. New sub-plots are also seeded in The Two Swords, paving the way for more sequels, and ensuring fans that this is far from Drizz’t’s last adventure.

Rating: 3/5.

Kitchen by Banana Yoshimoto

Another Japanese writer who practices the art of telling short narratives, Yoshimoto’s writing style is quite straightforward and entertaining. Kitchen is actually composed of two stories, but both tales have many similarities. There always seems to be an element of fantasy or disbelief when it comes to Yoshimoto, but she executes it perfectly, even amidst her gender-bending protagonists. Her characters are emotionally scarred in this book, and indeed, her subject matter is dark and depressing. Yet the message Yoshimoto gives is one of catharsis, one of hope. While Kitchen may be a quick and easy read, it harkens to the soul and leaves one much to ponder upon.

Rating: 4/5.

Three Hearts & Three Lions by Poul Anderson

While undeniably a classic, its writing style and narrative betrays its age. Archaic language and ancient fantasy tropes pepper this book, but it is far from a difficult read. Hoger Carlsen, hero of the story, is transported from Earth to a land of faerie, and there combats the forces of chaos. While this book is inspired by Arthurian and European myth, many modern fantasy novels borrow elements from Three Hearts & Three Lions. Of course having said that, today’s reader might not necessarily find this book as appealing as it was half a century ago.

Rating: 3/5.

[Essay] Memory: The Silent Killer

2005-09-28T07:47:00.000+08:00

An important but subtle element that governs us is memory. At the shallowest level, it can be as simple as remembering a friend’s name. Yet memory is a pervading force, and it branches out to other aspects of our lives. If it wasn’t so vital, whether it be individual memory or collective memory, then why bother with history, with psychology, or simply keeping a journal?

Haven’t you been attracted to someone because they reminded you of someone else in your past, be it a friend, a lover, a relative? It’s not always apparent the first time you meet a person, yet it’s there: what’s beautiful about him or her? Sometimes, it’s the memory of a past life with someone else who shares the same qualities. It could be the way they talk, a physical feature, the gestures they make, or even their interests. Yet no two individuals are completely identical, and so this new person’s quirks will in turn cause you to be attracted to someone similar in the future. But it’s not always about love. It could also remind us to dislike certain types of people, to distrust them, and sometimes, to loathe them. When we quibble that we don’t like a certain person, yet can’t point our finger on what makes them untrustworthy, sometimes it can be rooted to a memory of encountering someone similar.

As for friendships, even the strongest bonds can be shattered by memory. Amnesiacs live out entirely new lives, make new friends, for previous shared experiences do not exist. Yet it does not always have to be something that drastic. In our daily lives, who do we think about? Perhaps one of the reasons why people don’t always keep in touch with each other is because we forget. And the insidious part of it all is that we don’t notice. It could be our best friend from high school, a teacher from college, or perhaps our nursemaids when we were babes. What impedes us is not malice or fear or laziness. Sometimes it’s memory, as their significance in our lives is encompassed by the all-too-important present.

But forgetfulness is not always the root of disagreements. Sometimes, we remember them all too well. Lovers might separate and claim that the other was not the same person they fell in love with. Here, the roots of memory take a firm hold, and anything short of it becomes faulty, unworthy. The same goes for our friends and family: we often like to remember them during their best. But some fall prey to constantly measuring them by that standard. And there’s the fact that memory isn’t always selective, and as much as we remember the good, we also recall the bad, and it lurks in our minds whenever we encounter them. It’s what makes betraying a trust so malignant: even if we forgive, we seldom forget.

We are temporal beings, and our only link to who we truly are lies in memory. Aside from our experiences in the present, the only thing that tethers us to the past, and some believe to the future, is memory. The reason we keep on doing something over and over again is because we recall our prior encounters with it. Learning would be impossible if it weren’t for memory, and indeed, we measure growth in terms of who we used to be. A man without memories is simply a man who lives for the present: who can say whether he’s matured or not? He cannot plan, he cannot save, he cannot expect. There is simply the now, with no past life to give him firm grounding.

And indeed, memory is the key to our identity. The reason why we’re so dedicated to unearth lost memories is because we believe they’re part of what makes us who we are. Have you ever tried to remember something, yet can’t? Don’t you feel the frustration in doing so? It doesn’t have to be an important event, it could be a trivial thing. Perhaps what you had for lunch, or what clothes your crush wore. Yet when it’s forgotten, it’s as if we’ve lost a part of ourselves as well. But this fact extends to more than the individual. Rewriting history is perhaps difficult because we’re modifying the memory of a nation, of a people. Unlike true memory, we can edit, delete, or even add to our past. Whereas our own memories are only subject to the biases of a single person, history is subject to the biases of a million narrators.

One of the questions a pacifist should ask is when do we start remembering in terms of a collective rather than as individuals? Whether it be as a person, a family, a state, or a nation, as long as we have these artificial boundaries, there will always be conflict. Memory thrives on shared experiences, and in fact what takes note of the differences we have. Memory is the ego, but for selfish creatures like ourselves, perhaps the only way to realize a lasting peace is to have one ego. That’s not to say we give up our individuality, but rather that we start thinking in terms of everyone and not just ourselves or our nuclear family.

Concepts like vendetta and revenge is only possible with the existence of memory. Yet when we ourselves make a mistake, we do not rise up in retaliation to our own body, but instead seek to correct ourselves, to not repeat the same mistake. As long as we think of ourselves as individuals, there will always be “the other”, a separate memory that needs to be assimilated, or failing that, destroyed.

Death is what gives memory a finality. We make our last recollections as we take our final breath. But the ironic thing is perhaps the fact that while individual memory ceases with death, collective memory is strengthened by a person’s death. The dead become part of the consciousness of the survivors. And if history is any proof, the deaths of hundreds, thousands, and millions take a firm foothold in the minds of people.

The question I ask is not whether we remember the past, but whether forgetting is a boon or a bane. As we witness innumerable horrors, is forgetting the ultimate relief, or does it plant the seeds for human error to repeat once again?

The Fiction in Nonfiction

2005-09-24T12:21:00.000+08:00

There are people who show contempt for woks of fiction, and quickly quip that the only manuscripts they read are works of nonfiction, be it history books, newspapers, or books classified under the nonfiction section of the library. But as my media teachers, history professors, and writing mentors have taught me, we are all surrounded by works of fiction, although many are not readily aware of it. Most people look to nonfiction for truth: but truth is an already elusive concept in real life, how much more when it gets penned down by far from objective authors?

First and foremost, we must remember that books and publications are written by people. They are not divinely scribed by an omniscient deity, and thus are subject to bias. Even the most factual of documents are subject to this shortcoming. Take historical accounts. An old adage is that history is written by the victors. And it’s true. Not so long ago, Magellan was a hero to Filipinos, the man who discovered the Philippine Islands. Of course presently in that same island where one of the first battles between Spain and this archipelago was waged lies two graves: one honoring Magellan, the other Lapu-Lapu for fending off foreign conquerors. Magellan might be the hero for the West, but to history books in this country, Lapu-Lapu is not an ignorant savage but the first of many heroes who would rebel against Spain.

Sometimes, it’s not even the limitation of the writer but of the medium. Newspapers, for example, can only have one front page. As much as I want people to read everything that’s contained in the newspaper, a lot of people usually just focus on the front page. This is where the headlines are placed, but have you ever asked who gets to choose what gets splattered on in front? Similarly, the editors can’t report about everything that happens in the nation. Some news articles make its way to the inside pages, others buried or filed under “future use”. An editor could easily place an unwanted (but forced to publish) story somewhere in the middle of the broadsheet, consigning it to a subtle demise.

And since we’re talking about newspapers, nothing is as unforeseen as the present. They say hindsight is 20/20, and perhaps that is an advantage history books have over tabloids and broadsheets. I mean the dailies are forced to report about the present, and more often than not, we don’t have all the facts. We have conjectures, theories, and suspicions, and we try as best as we can to tie in all the facts. As much as our conclusions are true, they could also be wrong. History books, at least, have the benefit of sifting through the various discoveries. Even then, they are made obsolete with new discoveries of their respective field.

If that’s the case with history and with newspapers, how much more with other works of nonfiction? Again, many people have this misconception that just because a work is labeled as nonfiction that everything that needs to be written must be true. They forget that nonfiction is still literary, and thus subject to the same constraints of telling a story. When I read an account, a biography, or a report, I can’t always expect the writer to throw in everything that’s true. No, I expect to read about it in a cohesive and logical manner. That means lots of edited parts, and perhaps an embellishment here and there. In reading the exploits of an adventurer, for example, do I really need to know that the person went to the bathroom five times a day? At not if you’re trying to built up suspense and excitement. Similarly, when we blog about our day, we don’t always tell the tale chronological of events: we merely mention what is the most significant, what has the most impact. And sometimes, whether intentional or not, we tie them up with fictional interludes, or at least making it appear so.

Memory is also the most fragile of things, and most of us draw inspiration from remembered accounts, recalled events. When we finally get to write a work of nonfiction, they are far from perfectly accurate. Hallucinations, epiphanies, or faulty memory usually get in our way of telling a story as it is. And even then, other people would have witnessed the same event differently. People will have different truths, even if they arise from the same circumstances.

So is truth truly as elusive as it seems, since we cannot even trust the written word? I believe in ideological truths. The small instances might not always be true, but the larger message is. When I read about a man driven by greed and selfishness, just because I read it in a book, be it fiction or nonfiction, does not mean such people do not exist in reality. They do. The same goes for other emotions, such as kindness, love, and suffering. Or sometimes it’s not the bigger picture that’s true. I might fabricate the most unbelievable conspiracy story, and while the theory might be fictional, the smaller instances in the narrative, such as corruption in government, the abuses people suffer, or the double-standard humans live with, is something readers are familiar with.

First and foremost, I think reading challengers readers to think. The easiest thing to do is to simply believe what other people have to say; to let others do the thinking for you. Some people hide under the cover of nonfiction, when the fact of the matter is, there is more truth in fiction that one could ever realize.

[Essay] Humanity's Constant Struggle

2005-09-20T10:16:00.000+08:00

There’s this one statement which I often hear, usually in the context of a break-up: “I won’t change for anyone except myself.” Now that strikes me as arrogance, as if change was something to be avoided, or something we can control.

What is change? Is it good or bad? In theory, it could be either one, or sometimes, both. Yet within each human being is a desire to remain as is, to resist change, even if it’s for the better. It’s a perfectly natural tendency. When there is a lack of change, there are no surprises. Everything goes as predicted, and it’s easy to succumb to complacency and comfort. Unfortunately, this also breeds stagnation, and we stop growing, stop evolving into a better person. Change might be the logical choice, but fear of the unknown usually gets the better of us. “Better the devil we know than the devil we don’t know” is an obvious cliché that results from this mentality.

In reality, change is inevitable. Even the most ardent of resistors will change. Time will age us, cause us to develop new habits, or alter old ones. Yet it is possible to slow down its progress. In that, the most adamant succeed. Change over the physical body, we have little control of. Change over our minds, we have considerable power over. Not total control, mind you, but nonetheless a considerable sum. Take for example the story of Filipino saint, Lorenzo Ruiz. At the hands of his foreign captors, he was asked to renounce his faith in God. No matter what form of coercion they employed, no matter what form of torture they practiced, he did not relent. Lorenzo Ruiz died a Christian. Did they succeed in battering his body? Yes. Were they successful in changing his belief and perspective? No. Yet even if St. Lorenzo Ruiz survived that ordeal and was set free, there would have been a part of his mind that would have been changed. It might have been the trauma of being tortured, or perhaps the shock at seeing his companions suffer. His faith in God might have remained, but there are other aspects of his mind that could have been altered, irregardless of whether he’s conscious of it or not.

There are two ways to change: voluntarily, or involuntarily. The latter is perceived as undesirable, sometimes even evil. For example, when a hurricane hits your home and transforms your life into a pauper, we see that as a curse. Or perhaps when a girlfriend or boyfriend asks you to change this certain quality of yours, we still consider it an involuntary change because it did not stem from our own initiative. Compare that to a person who suddenly decides he or she wants to change for the better. It might be a realization that he or she should live a healthy life, hence exercising daily from that point on. But is such a dichotomy valid, that voluntarily change is always good, and involuntary change bad?

In truth, it all boils down to two factors: foresight and pride. If a man suddenly wins the lottery, does he curse the fates for giving him such an unexpected windfall? Foresight tells him that it’s a good thing, so he takes pleasure in such an occasion, even if the circumstances behind it was involuntary. But human foresight is not infinite, and a few years later, the same man might find himself living a lonely and horrible life, thanks to the familial squabbles such riches brought him. Or take a detrimental occasion, such as losing your job. One immediately thinks that it’s a bad thing, that getting fired is far from an auspicious circumstance. You might curse your employer and fellow employees when that happens, but a few years later, look back at it and think that it’s the best thing that ever happened to you, especially when a bigger company hires you for your now-available expertise, or paves the way for you to start your own business. In either scenario, we lacked the foresight to recognize if it’s a good or a bad thing, and simply assume the immediate repercussions.

But what about pride? Well, some people take comfort that their decisions are voluntary, whether it reaps rewards or ruin. As much as we decide to do what’s good and right, we also decide to do things that are detrimental not only to ourselves but to our society as well. For example, our vices are our own choices, whether it’s drinking or smoking. I could easy think one day that hey, I should start smoking. And this perpetuates until the end of my life. Health-wise, it’s not the smartest thing to do, but we condone such a habit because it was ours to begin with. Compare that to our parents or doctor ordering us to eat our vegetables. While eating vegetables is a healthy option, we resent doing so, not just because of the taste, but the fact that doing so wasn’t our decision or that someone else was compelling us. This kind of mentality is magnified when a part of us changes due to someone we have a dark past with. It might be a former employer, a previous lover, a relative we’ve quarreled with, or a friend turned nemesis. For example, when living with your girlfriend, you might have had to give up a bad habit like smoking, or learned a new skill like cooking. When you break up with her, there’s a desire to rebel, as if to assert your own individuality, or to scorn the other person. You start smoking again, especially when you encounter your ex, or perhaps you never turn on the stove again, for it brings back too many memories. In this case, we reverted to our old selves due to a conscious choice that traces its roots to pride.

Of course I’m not saying that as long as the end-results are good, it shouldn’t matter whether the cause was voluntary or involuntary. People can typically be classified under one of two categories: those who act, and those who react. The latter are more likely to respond to involuntary change. When unpleasant circumstances hit them, that’s the only time they grow. That’s not to say that’s entirely bad: some reactive people, when encountering a disaster, might be so determined that they turn a disadvantage into an advantage. When a typhoon hits their home, he or she rebuilds the entire city. The other type of person builds things out of their own initiative: they don’t wait for favorable conditions, but instead start working now. They change irregardless of the current circumstance.

People usually fall somewhere between the two: I don’t think I’ve met anyone who’s purely voluntary. Unfortunately, meeting someone who’s perpetually involuntary is a possibility. Perhaps the problem with being involuntary is the fact that you wait for an external stimulus for you to change. You might be good at coping with crisis, but if it never arrives, then you’ll never grow as well. Of course a voluntary person can learn a thing or two from the involuntary person as well. Conditions, after all, are dynamic and ever-changing. One needs to adapt to the situation if one were to succeed, and in the endeavors that a voluntary person will start, those types of encounters cannot be avoided.

A voluntary person, however, has one important quality that needs to be respected. He or she has pride. And make no mistake, while pride can get in the way of getting the job done, pride is what gives us our dignity and our humanity. Do I really want to live a life where everything I accomplish or do is dictated by someone else? Voluntary people change because it is their decision to do so, but taken to the extreme, are the types that will claim “I will change for no one except myself”. Hence healthy doses of being voluntary and involuntary is needed. A person will grow, sometimes by their own choices, and sometimes by uncontrolled events.

Change is honestly a difficult concept to embrace. If you observe most people’s lives, growth is usually achieved when adversity is encountered. And I don’t think I’ve met anyone who asks for problems. Even the most voluntary of people, who for example might start up their own business, will not look forward to the trials he or she will face. They merely see it as a hurdle to overcome, to be avoided if possible. Yet difficulties cause us to grow, to evolve, to become better people. Perhaps the only thing that can console us during such times is our mentality. The question we should ask isn’t “why me?” but rather “what can I learn from this, and how can I grow from it?”. It’s easier said than done, but growth usually comes with a steep price.

If change is such a primal force and humans claim to possess free will, is it possible to choose not to change? The very act of choosing not to change already alters us, because previously, we did not have that sort of mindset. But philosophical babblings aside, does our inability to resist change limit our free will? Actually, there is a way to resist change, and many people take this recourse. When adversity strikes them, they give up instead of adapting to the situation. It’s called suicide. Disregarding the metaphysical and the afterlife, death has a certain finality. A corpse can’t change his or her views: it’s already locked in place at the time of death. Your body can rot and decay but your mind ceases to change. When the Japanese executed St. Lorenzo Ruiz, did they continue to abuse the corpse? Probably not, because you can’t convert a dead man. His faith and belief had already been established. They could have killed Ruiz’s family, city, and nation, but that means nothing to a dead man, and would not convert him to their beliefs. In death, our body undergoes one last transformation, and then everything else ceases. Perhaps the last act of someone who commits suicide is not to be free from this world, but rather to be free from change and the circumstances that cause it.

If death is the opposite of change, what does that tell us about life? It’s easy to perceive people, places, beliefs, and ideologies as static entities, when in reality, the only thing constant about them is that they are in a state of flux.

[Essay] The Art of Book Reviews: It’s Not As Easy As It Looks

2005-09-14T08:03:00.000+08:00

Not so long ago, I thought that my ideal job would be that of a book reviewer; doing nothing but read books all day, and then write reviews on them. That wish never came true, and even if it did, it would probably be less than perfect.

For example, my reading taste revolves around a certain genre: namely fantasy and science-fiction. I imagine that there are two extremes a book reviewer will face: either he gets to choose which books he wants to review, or he gets whatever is thrown his way, either by the publisher or the publication he’s working for. In the case of the former, it’s not a problem for the reviewer, but it might be for his readers, because the subject matter he tackles revolves around a small niche, and might end up writing derivative reviews. As for the latter, the reviewer might have more variety, but there’s a good chance he’ll be reading a lot of horrible books. And unlike the casual reader who can simply put down a novel that doesn’t interest them, you have to plough through the book from beginning to end. It’s like Simon from American Idol forcing himself to listen to William Hung for one full hour, just to be sure that Hung really is that horrible, and to what extent.

Assuming a book reviewer manages to balance his book choices, the next question he faces is how many books he will review. Theoretically, the more books he can cover, the better. Unlike other forms of media which has a set number of pages or a fixed time, books not only come in all shapes and sizes, they come in various thickness and font sizes as well. A music album release, for example, takes around an hour, while watching a movie two hours (Lord of the Rings, Dances with Wolves, and JFK being the exception). Reading a book, however, has no definite time (unless you’re talking of audio books). Readers read at their own pace, and allot different hours for reading them. One of the worst questions I encounter (and I get this often) is how long does it take me to finish reading a book. If they want a specific answer, they’ll have to give me a specific book. Children’s books (but remember, there are various kinds of children’s books) take me around a few hours to finish. Paperbacks in the 300-400 pages count take me a day or two. Mammoth books with page counts amounting to four digits takes me longer. Content also plays a significant role. Does the book contain pictures, and how much? Is the language simple, or is it as complex as reading James Joyce’s Ulysses? Are the paragraphs long, or are they broken down into shorter segments? One has to realize that no books are identical, although some books share similarities with others, especially books by the same author (but that’s as far as it goes).

Once again, we go back to the number of books a person is capable of reviewing. It all depends on the person’s capability, and what kind of books he’s reviewing. An adult novel or two for me is okay. Anything more than that depends on my passion and availability. I mean is doing book reviews feeding me and my family? If so, I can probably afford to drop everything else, and start reading for the first three weeks of the month, and then churn out the reviews at the last. If not, then what can I accommodate into my schedule, taking into account work, recreation, and my social life.

Then there’s the actual review writing. The first thing every reviewer should ask is who their audience is. Am I writing the review for fiction aficionados? Or the casual reader? Kids? Perhaps even the non-reader. This will take into account your writing style, and how you will tackle your subject matter. As a fantasy reader, for example, if my audience are fantasy fans, then I can drop multiple allusions to other fantasy work and/or writers into my review. If not, then It’s probably better for me to stick to something more mainstream when it comes to name dropping.

Knowing your audience also helps the reviewer answer this one important question: to spoil or not to spoil? Many people who read book reviews will be irked if they read a review that has spoilers, especially when unwarned. However, giving out spoilers is sometimes inevitable, as reviewers need to mention something about the book in order to review it; one should just be wary to what extent he spoils the reader. Readers who’ve already read the book obviously will not care about the spoilers, but instead appreciate it as the reviewer can go more into detail about what’s good or what’s wrong with the book, and can cite the specific circumstance. So on one end, spoilers can alienate the casual reader, but gives the reviewer more tools to work with. On the other, a reviewer can limit the spoilers he reveals, but has to be more general in his review of the novel.

What do I mean by limiting spoilers? Well, the book summaries at the back of books already do spoil readers, as they sometimes mention the plot of the book or the premise. There are even rare circumstances when book cover summaries actually spoil the main gist of the story (hint to readers: never read back covers if you want to fully enjoy the reading experience!). Book reviewers might want to start from there. Of course there’s no set rule, and reviewers will debate with themselves what to include and what not to. Should I name the person that gets killed, or simply let it be known that a character dies? Should I tell that the book’s plot is really about this, or should I let the reader discover it for themselves? Obviously, if a reviewer doesn’t mind giving out spoilers, he doesn’t have to ponder on these unnecessary decisions, and just write the best review he can come up with, mentioning all the elements he thinks are important. And in that sense, the best book review is perhaps one that contains spoilers, because the reviewer doesn’t need to hold himself back. However, the best book reviews aren’t always what readers are looking for, and simply need a nudge whether to buy this book or not.

In the end though, what makes a book review work or not is the sensibilities of both the reviewer and the reader. If there’s a huge disparity in their preferences, no matter how much the reviewer recommends the book, or how well-written the review is, the reader might just end up disappointed. The problem isn’t with the reviewer but with the reader: what the reader needs to do is look for a book reviewer whose tastes are similar to theirs. Thus a favorable review will elicit positive reactions from the reader. There’s no secret formula for readers to know which book reviewers are for them. Sometimes, you get a hint from their reviews, but more often than not, it’s a hit-or-miss thing, and the only way to know is to pick up a book they recommend (or not recommend).

[Essay] Justice

2005-09-12T08:17:00.000+08:00

Perhaps it’s because I live in a third-world country, but the word justice often comes up, and in various contexts. It could mean food for the hungry, jobs for the unemployed, fair wages for the masses, or simply punishing the unjust. The last point I want to expound on. In media, in literature, and in real life, the lines between justice and revenge (or vengeance, if you prefer) is blurred. If we want someone punished, we cry out for justice. If there’s a mass-murderer out there, we seek his capture so that he may be sentenced to death. And you know, that kind of reaction is natural, human nature. It’s as reflexive as kicking when the doctor taps you kneecap. Many supporters of this kind of belief will usually favor the Old Testament, quoting the passages of an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. Turning your other cheek is so unnatural that it’s what makes Christian doctrine so progressive for its time. Yet for all the beliefs that the Bible instills in its followers, people still clamor for revenge in the guise of justice. But is this what rational, enlightened people should ask, let alone a just and merciful deity should condone?

Throughout grade school and high school, I’m the kid that gets pushed around, a prime target of the bullies. In my eyes, if there’s anyone who should seek deific vengeance, it’s me, one of the oppressed. Some people might even carry bitter feelings inside them even if such incidents were a decade old. Fortunately, I’m not one of them. Perhaps the day I was converted to another kind of belief was when I met one of the people who bullied me. He approached me as a friend rather than an oppressor. He was asking if he could borrow some money for me, nothing large, just a few coins. While I suspected a part of the act was a farce, he didn’t retaliate when I couldn’t give him what he wanted. He merely thanked me and walked away. And over the course of many years, I’d meet people who were once the bullies, the guys on top, live reformed lives. This experience rather than Biblical text is perhaps what showed me that there’s something better than punishment.

Theoretically, reformation is something our society strives for. The reason we put criminals in jail is so that they can know the consequences of their actions and change for the better. Whether it’s effective or not (or even appropriate, as anyone who’s watched or read Les Miserables will know) is an entirely different matter. Yet when a crime is committed and the criminal is apprehended, society clamors the convict to be jailed, not because they hope that he or she will be converted, but in order to be punished. Once again, this is the normal human reaction. When someone kills one of your loved ones, steals your hard-earned money, or threatens your life, the immediate reaction is to strike back. I must admit, there’s a certain sense of satisfaction in that. But in such a scenario, I think of the future and realize that at best, what we’ve managed to accomplish is only to rid the world of one less human being. To some people, that’s not so bad. But if you think about it, there’s actually something better.

Don’t you have a friend who was once a bully? Or perhaps someone who was very unlikable, but changed and is now one of your good buddies. It could easily have been a rival, an enemy, or simply someone who gave a wrong first impression. Despite all their faults, they’re your friends now. Let’s assume that you didn’t change, and that it was they who started acting differently. Wouldn’t you have someone, despite (or perhaps because of) their horrible past, be your friend in the present? The alternative of course is that they’d be jailed up somewhere, never to see the light of day. Or worse, sentenced to the death penalty. It’s simple math: zero, or something. Yet many of us prefer the former, thinking that revenge would be sweeter, or that the person would never change for the better. With regards to reformation, you never know unless you give the person a chance. It might not be something you can change in him or her, but circumstances have ways of altering a person, whether for good or ill. As for revenge, well, some do develop a taste for it. To me, it’s just a precious waste of resources. What rules us when it comes to revenge isn’t our intellect, but our appetite. While following our appetite when it comes to food is okay, it’s another thing when it comes to human life.

Let me take things to another level. A friend of mine once told me that she thinks in the afterlife, God will punish the unjust, even if they’ve been converted. She reasons that if that weren’t the case, what happens to the rest who’ve been good all their life? She and I agree on one point though: we don’t know how God will behave. God is, after all, the most justice and good character we can imagine. In this case, my friend believes that God will mete our justice. I don’t, at least not to those who are reformed. Admittedly, a part of me wants to see people punished. As my friend said, what happens to the rest of us who’ve been good the entire time? Where’s the justice in that? But that’s not the rational part of me speaking. An enlightened person would think things through. I mean honestly, if you used to be the most horrible person, and then you genuinely decided to be good, your past is enough to haunt you for the rest of your life. Punishing you in the afterlife is like giving medication to a person who’s cured. Not only is it inappropriate, it’s causing unnecessary pain. Sure, if the person wasn’t sincere in their reformation, go ahead and punish them. But punishing a good person because of their past is as fair as punishing the son for the sins of the father (that’s not to say that the guilty shouldn’t be punished; they have to live with the consequences, but they can expect forgiveness from the merciful).

If that was the case, some of you might be asking, what about the people who’ve been good all their lives? Would their rewards be the same in my vision of an utopian society? Well, there’s the parable of the Prodigal Son. The elder brother, the one who didn’t run away and stayed, asks his father the same question. What about me? There was forgiveness for the Prodigal Son, and the older brother’s initial reaction was where’s the justice in that? God’s answer to him was that he’ll inherit everything He’s built up so far. But in concrete terms, what is that? Well to me, at the very least, the people who’ve lived good lives won’t be bothered by their conscience. I mean if I was a criminal, for example, who eventually reformed, no matter what I do in the present, I’ll still be mentally haunted by my past. Because I can never undo my crimes, and whatever wrong I did to other people will linger in my mind. Call it whatever you want, be it trauma, nightmares, or guilt. If I truly lived my life as holy as I make it out to be, then I won’t have that burden, even if my final fate is the same as the converted.

Before I end, I’d like to point out that no one lives a pure and good life. We’ve all made mistakes, and aren’t we grateful for those who gave us a second, or even a third chance in life? We might not have committed crimes, but we have performed unjust acts. Whether it’s something mortal or venial, there’s always a chance for reformation, for change. The one thing I dislike about death is that it halts change. A dead prisoner can’t be enlightened and ask for penitence, at least not in this life. And for those who judge others in light of their own righteousness, well, it’ll be ironic if God sentenced you to the same punishments you’ve been clamoring for in others.

[Essay] True Pain, True Suffering

2005-09-10T00:43:00.000+08:00

One thing we’re all acquainted with is suffering. Yet despite knowing the fact that it’s unavoidable in life, we attempt to evade it, and when we get hurt, it’s as if we’ve experienced it for the first time. Just take a look at heartbreaks, or grieving a loved one, or perhaps losing a part of your body. No matter how many times it’s recurred before, it’ll always be a fresh wound once when we’ve experienced it again. Perhaps it’s due to the fact that memory, or lack of it, blunts the trauma. Yet there are actually two things that many people fail to recognize.

The first is that the crisis is not the most painful part we can experience. It can be breaking up with your boyfriend or girlfriend, failing an important exam, losing a limb to an accident, or sudden bankruptcy in your business. Many will attribute loss to that particular event. “It was the saddest moment in my life,” one might say. But it’s also the briefest, which is also why we might cling to that particular memory, playing it over and over in our minds, as if we could mend the mistake we make, despite loathing it and preferring not to dwell on it. We are, by our very nature, illogical and contradictory after all. Yet if we came face to face with the facts, what’s truly terrifying is not the present but the future.

A man who breaks up with his fiancé might cry and feel depressed on the eve of their separation, but what haunts him is the events to come. It’s in the days that follow where he is plagued by nightmares, dreaming about his lonely life, or worse, the past or what-ifs he could have had. It’s in the post-crisis period where he dwells on how there’s no one he can share his life with, or how he might not be as lucky the next time and find someone who enjoys his companionship. The same goes for anyone else who experiences a disastrous event in their lives, such as an earthquake or a typhoon. It’s not during the earthquake that you’re most distressed, but rather later on, when it’s all over, and you have to start picking up the pieces. Emotionally, it’s a lot less to handle because there’s no time pressure, no immediate need to resolve things. But in truth, it’s also the most difficult, because it’s when you come face to face with your own feelings, and realize that it’s not going to be over as quickly.

If there was an explosion and I died, it really wouldn’t be a problem because I had a quick death. However, if I somehow managed to survive, and find out that I lost an arm in the process, that would simply be horrible. When I’m in the hospital bed, I’ll be thinking of my future, how I’ll live life with one less arm. Sure, I’ll channel my anger and disappointment at that one point in time, during the explosion, but you know what, that event’s done and over with. It’s the difficulties in finding employment, or losing sex appeal, or simply not being able to eat with a fork and a spoon that’ll haunt me for the rest of my days. When I fall down, it hurts, but finding the strength to get back up hurts even more. It’s the only way we’ll survive or cope but hey, it’s not a pretty sight.

The second item many people don’t recognize is that we fear pain and suffering not simply for the emotions themselves, but because they bring about one important aspect: change. The truth of the matter is, complacency is lack of change. It’s being able to predict what’s going to happen tomorrow, of being in control, of living life in the way you expect it. Any form of crisis wrecks your plans. A couple to divorces, for example, have come to live a life they’re previously familiar with. Now, it’s an entirely new game, and they’re suddenly lost as everything seems strange and new again. Honestly, no one wants to start out fresh. In Monopoly, it’s like starting with zero dollars and zero property, while everyone else has their cache of money and hotels.

If an accident suddenly befalls me, it’s painful not just because of the actual sensation of pain, but because of the changes I’ll have to make in my life. If someone close to you dies, the first thing you’ll notice is how he or she isn’t there anymore. Our point of reference will always be the past, which is something we already know and base our future assumptions on. We live life in a certain pattern, and we’ve grown comfortable with that particular lifestyle. Change wrecks that lifestyle, and it’s extremely uncomfortable to change habits, to live life in a way you never expected.

Perhaps that’s why we suffer most after the disastrous event. Because then, we have time to think of the consequences, to feel fear and be frightened. And we’re not frightened for the sake of being frightened, but at the fact that we have to change and adapt to the new circumstances. If we fail in that, it’ll lead to another trauma, thus causing an eternal loop of pain and suffering.

Some of you might be asking how do we stop this? The sad thing is that we can’t. It’s a cycle, and no matter how we avoid change, it always catches up to us. Except in death, and there I comfort in that because the results can be predicted: if I slit my wrist now, I’ll stop breathing, and I won’t have to face my problems anymore. Note that the problems haven’t been solved, merely made inaccessible. And death, in the end, has a certain finality to it because it resists change. When you’re dead, you can’t change the world anymore. Only your previous legacy and other people can do that for you. So is it really a big surprise that people find comfort in suicide?

[Essay] 52 Hours a Week

2005-09-05T21:21:00.000+08:00

I used to work six and a half days a week. The pay wasn’t much, but I loved the atmosphere I was in. From 10 am to 6 pm, I was surrounded by anime paraphernalia and talked to customers who loved anime. After work, you’d think that a person like me would go to a bar or something, but all I did was go home, watch some anime, and chatted with friends via the Internet about anime. You’d think that after sixty non-stop days, I’d be burnt out but the fact of the matter was, the only thing I truly missed back then was my participation in Magic: The Gathering tournaments.

These days, working five days a week is already draining. So what happened? I simply grew and developed a lot of other interests. Not only am I just interested in anime, I have to juggle my reading time, my writing time, my gaming time, and my regular public service announcements in addition to work. And believe me, work these days is work.

I met a friend of mine, Richie, a few weeks ago. He’s had several years of experience working in various jobs and positions, and now he’s finally landed a career in what you’d think would be a dream job. I mean he loves gadgets and technological devices. He now writes for a magazine that deals with those kind of stuff. Yet because it’s his job to know about the latest stuff, it stops being a hobby. When you’re compelled to do something other than for the sheer fun of it, it starts being a duty.

Yet his story is not unique. Nor is it the rule. I have friends who’ve learned to hate their ideal job, because it’s draining the sheer fun out of the experience. But I also know people like Vin, one of the people who started Comic Quest, and he still retains his passion for comics despite being surrounded by comics day in and day out. Your experiences with work is a double-edged sword.

I mean personally, it’s because I’m deathly bored and stressed with my work that when I get home, I’m in a hurry to get things done, whether it’s reading, writing, or gaming. I wonder if I was in a job that incorporated all three, would there be less output from me, quality and quantity wise? But I also remember my days in Comic Alley, and perhaps the reason I was there everyday (aside from the fact that I had no social life) was because of my enthusiasm for my hobby.

We all react differently, depending on the situation. Perhaps the only real warning I can give people is be careful what you wish for. Or as my Christian faith would say, be grateful that God doesn’t give you what you want, but what you need.

[Essay] Confessions of a Bibliophile

2005-09-02T10:11:00.000+08:00

One might think that a bibliophile is merely concerned with books. And to a certain extent, a good number of bibliophiles are only concerned with their one true love. For my part though, I remember that it’s not the book that I’m in love with, but in the art of reading. And there actually many factors involved in reading.

Take for example furniture. Some of you might be surprised that someone such as I, out of touch with the world, would be concerned with something so practical. But I do think furniture should be every bibliophile’s concern, unless they love to read books while standing up.

What’s your reading habit? Personally, I love to slouch in a couch or in a bed. Not just any bed though, it should have a headrest of some sort. Pillows would be nice as well. They’re ideal and comfortable places for me, despite what some psychologists might claim (that is, such places will make you feel drowsy because it’s where you sleep). Failing that, a sturdy, wide chair would do. Obviously, chairs come in all sizes and shapes, which is why furniture becomes a concern for me.

Not everyone’s a couch or chair addict though. Some prefer to read on a table. And that’s fine, especially if you’re the type that highlights passages or jots down quotes from their favorite books. I’m sure a lot of bibliophiles rely on different kinds of tables, whether it’s the roughness of it, the size (the perfect height for example), or simply the design (should it be slanted or flat?).

Aside from furniture, there’s room design. Perhaps one of the most important aspects of that would be lighting. Where is the light centered? Personally, I don’t like reading by lamp stands. They cast shadows which obscure my reading. Color also plays an important role. I love fluorescent white. Anything else is a hindrance. One of my professors though said that a certain yellowish paper looks good on yellow light. So reading with a certain ambience also plays a significant factor.

How about the amount of noise? Some people love “background” music, whether it’s mellow tones to ear-splitting vocals. Or perhaps it’s the chirping of crickets, the tweeting of birds. Or the sounds of morning traffic, the trademarks of every metropolis. I love the silence, where there’s nothing to distract me and I can be alone with my thoughts.

Lastly, there’s food and drink. Some people mix eating with reading. I tend to do that, although I prefer finger food that’s not messy: reading with your right, eating with your left. Anything that requires a spoon is out of the question. But I’ve heard of people who have a glass of wine to begin their reading rituals, and I wouldn’t be surprised if others have a certain food fetish.

A bibliophile is not just a connoisseur of books. He or she must balance out all these other factors, for the ideal reading experience is seldom an isolated incident. Not only do I want a good book to read, I want the finer things in life as well that will augment my reading experience.

[Book Reviews] September Book Reviews (Memoranda, Extinction, Annihilation, The Binding Stone, The Robots of Dawn)

2005-09-02T07:22:00.000+08:00

September Book Reviews (Memoranda, Extinction, Annihilation, The Binding Stone, The Robots of Dawn)

It’s a new, briefer format! Instead of giving a comprehensive review like I used to, I’ll probably settle for these shorter once a month mini-reviews of books that get thrown my way.

The Rating System:

1 – There are better ways to spend your time. Examples: Damphir
2 – Ho hum novels, typical of its genre. Examples: most Dragonlance and Forgotten Realms novels.
3 – A cut above the rest, these are usually standard fare stories with either an interesting twist, gorgeous visualizations, or simply make a very interesting read. Examples: Anita Blake series, Dragonlance Chronicles.
4 – Highly recommended books! An interesting read, and pioneers the genre it’s in. Examples: Kushiel’s Dart, Perdido Street Station, Good Omens.
5 – A classic. Must get at all cost. Examples: A Game of Thrones, The Fantasy Writer’s Assistant, Dune.

Memoranda by Jeffrey Ford

The second book in a trilogy, the book’s only weakness is perhaps that it whets your appetite for more. It’s brief but interesting, and Ford invokes a lot of imagery more than the usual. The book doesn’t get bogged down unlike its predecessor, The Physiognomy, and is actually one of the better “middle-child” books I’ve read in a long time. It stands well on its own, and is a delightful read irregardless if you’re a fan of fantasy or not.

Rating: 4/5.

Extinction by Lisa Smedman

Another middle-child book, this time in a six-part series. Story flow remains interesting, as usual, and Smedman succeeds in not only pushing the plot forward, but showing us what an evil party is like, and how they interact together. Perhaps notable from this author is her descriptions, as Smedman’s style stands out differently from the other author’s writing in the series, in a good way that is. If you’re a fan of the War of the Spider Queen series, Extinction won’t fail you. If not, you might want to grab the first book in the series.

Rating: 3/5.

Annihilation by Philip Athans

If you’ve read it this far, then there’s really no reason why you should put down this book. The fifth book in the War of the Spider Queen series, Athans shows us perhaps the highest point in the story short of the climax. While not as skillful as Smedman, Athans has other strengths. Notable perhaps in this novel are several mage battles. And honestly, you’re nearly at the end, so it’ll be difficult to screw up the series’s interesting premise. Again, best avoided by the uninitiated.

Rating: 3/5.

The Binding Stone by Don Bassingthwaite

Another Eberron novel, it disappoints with its slow start and generic narrative. There’s an interesting plot element in the middle, but only hardcore psionic D&D fans would appreciate it. The next highest point would probably be near the end where all the necessary action takes place, but it all stinks of deus ex machina. If you’re a fan of Eberron, you should probably just try out the other books instead of this. The good points aren’t enough to salvage a generic and bad book.

Rating: 1.5/5.

The Robots of Dawn by Isaac Asimov

The last novel in his Robot series, this book only proves that Asimov’s true strength lies in his short stories. Long and winding, Asimov takes us to another mystery with a surprising twist at the end. It doesn’t pack as much oomph as his earlier work though, such as the Foundation or the I, Robot short stories, and the previous, shorter novels in the series are probably better. Still, it’s perhaps one of Asimov’s better attempts at writing a really long novel. Simple narratives and interesting concepts are tools which Asimov works with, and this book is no exception.

Rating: 3.5/5.

[Essay] Bibliophile’s Haven

2005-08-31T11:17:00.000+08:00

When I first became a bibliophile, one of the things I discovered was the myth called libraries. Parents, teachers, and the media seem to perpetuate this fallacy that libraries housed all these books. When I first entered our school library, I tried looking for the book I wanted to read. It was a futile attempt. Later on in life, I’d continue my desperate attempts at searching for books I didn’t find on the card catalog. When the Dewey Decimal System failed me, I tried looking for books manually, shelf by shelf, cranny by cranny. Common sense would dictate that if it wasn’t listed in the library’s archaic filing system, it’s not there. But the strangest thing is that sometimes, they do turn up, and in places you didn’t expect them.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a fan of libraries. In fact, second to bookstores, libraries are one of my fondest places to be in. And they are good sources of free, reference books, as well as the occasional fiction novel or two. But aside from that, the literature-loving, fiction-hungry part of me was starving. Sure, most of the canon books were there, provided that they weren’t on loan. But what about the rest? Where are my Agatha Christie, Stephen King, Nick Hornby, or Jasper Fforde? Whenever someone would recommend a book to read, our teachers and parents would say “visit the library”. But as anyone who’d actually visited the library would know, libraries don’t contain each and every book (and I can’t blame theme... to house every book published would probably take up as much space as a small country). Yet everyone else seems to think so!

Libraries are pretty much like personal collections. I don’t think any person has the exact same set of CDs, the exact same stack of books, or the exact same album of coins and stamps. The same goes for libraries. Each one is an individual, some having a larger collection than others, but their selections are definitely unique. Of course libraries have a certain preference: school libraries and public libraries, in my experience, are general and try to have books on various topics, be it fiction or non-fiction. Others, on the other hand, are more specific. I mean don’t expect finding J.R.R. Tolkien on the shelves of the National Library of the Philippines, but it is a great place for those doing research.

Personally, if I’m really looking for a particular book, especially one that’s been published recently, I go to one of two places. The first are bookstores. The big ones have a wide selection of books to choose from, while the smaller, independent ones focus more on certain selections. For example, if you’re looking for locally published books, La Solidaridad Bookstore has a good selection, especially if you’re looking for books that were published by Solidaridad publishing. The likes of Aeon Books and A Different Bookstore, on the other hand, have been known for their terrific selection of fiction and philosophy. Bookstores are like tools: know which is the best one to use for a particular situation.

The other isn’t a place so much as it is a community. What I’m talking about is the Internet. Online bookstores like Amazon.com, while not possessing each and every book published, does contain an extensive selection. Of course this can only be achieved because of virtual real estate: unlike retail stores which take up shelf space for their books, online bookstores can just store them in a warehouse or order them on demand. Today’s current technology also introduces the concept of ebooks, documents that are presented in digital format. Ebooks give out-of-print books or unpopular authors a chance to be seen because of its format (i.e. little storage costs, low overhead), and in most cases, easily affordable as well.

Of course bookstores, unlike libraries, do charge fees for the books. In that, libraries are no replacement, unless you happen to have a friend (or group of friends) who has an extensive collection. Still, you only get what you pay for, and for some people, investing money is well worth the time you would have lost scavenging through book bins and libraries.

[Essay] Immortality

2005-08-25T11:03:00.000+08:00

Strolling down the video game arcade of the local mall, I took a trip down memory lane and thought of the games that have been popular over the years. Looking at today’s games, one common element they have is the fact that you can now save your games. I mean one of the more popular racing arcade games right now is Initial D v.3 (well, at least it was so a few months ago). Aside from the fact that it’s based on a popular manga/anime, perhaps part of its allure is that you actually keep track of your best times and get to customize your vehicle (by playing more games of course). There’s even a shoot-em-up game where you can save your character as well and unlock hidden surprises in the various stages depending on what your level is. Which brings me to my next point: why are such video games popular?
Surprisingly, the answer isn’t really a new one, and is actually present in classic games be it Pac-Man or Gradius. Why is the save feature so important, be it in RPG’s, shoot-em-up games, or racing games? Perhaps in each and every human being, there’s a desire to be remembered, to be noticed, to be immortalized. Why do games feature high scores? Aside from having a goal to beat, it also broadcasts to everyone else that hey, somebody’s achieved this record, and we all get to see the initials of the person who did it. The save feature is actually a more complex form of this, as more details can be added, and results in a more unique calling card.
Breaking records wouldn’t perhaps be such a big deal if it weren’t publicized. Sure, you have a psychic victory, knowing that you accomplished this. You’re a hero, except only you knows it. You can brag about it, but not everyone would believe you. That’s why scoreboards are important, be it The Guinness Book of World Records, the high score on the local arcade machine, or the memory card you keep tucked in your pocket. I’m not saying this is everyone’s motivation for accomplishing something, but people feel appreciative whenever they’re remembered. To a certain extent, that’s also why some people get offended if you don’t remember their name.
Because mobile phones and text messaging (or email) are popular in this country, I often hear the statement “somebody loves me” whenever they receive a phone call or text message. That statement isn’t necessarily true every time you get a text message, but in the absence of love, most people will settle for being remembered.
Whenever I visit the poor and rural communities, some of the people there make one request from me. They’re not asking for money or goods, but to be merely remembered. Some of them ask me to write them letters, or to visit them some time. I never do. Instead, I honor them in my writing, with these stories of mine. I don’t always name them, but that doesn’t mean I don’t remember them. And perhaps the beauty of writing is that once it’s put down on paper, it’s forever there. No matter how much I’ll deny its existence, it’s proof to everyone else.
With each word I pen down, I immortalize myself and the subject I write about. There’s no guarantee that I’ll be remembered fondly, but writers can console themselves that they’ll be remembered at least.

[Essay] A Man for All Seasons

2005-08-11T06:11:00.000+08:00

When I was in high school, I was no stranger to outreach programs. At least in name. A number of my more popular batchmates were busy tutoring public school children during their spare time, while all I did was hang out at their org room, listening to their tales of this and that experience. To be honest, I didn’t find teaching kids appealing at the time. I was happy for my batchmates though, and one of the things I envied was their camaraderie. And so it was from them that I encountered the organization called ERDA (Educational Research and Development Assistance), which was responsible for one of the more popular outreach programs in our school.

Little did I know that six years later, I would meet the man responsible for such a prolific and altruistic venture, Fr. Pierre Trizt S.J.. Born at the borders of France and Germany, Fr. Tritz would eventually became a citizen of the Philippines in 1972 after switching allegiances between France and Germany several times. He originally enrolled in a school that gave its students a choice of which order to graduate from, and he chose the Jesuits, mainly because he wanted to go to China. He was inspired to do so after reading a book that dealt with the life of Matteo Ricci, one of the four original Jesuits who managed to penetrate China and befriended the emperor.

Life in China was everything Fr. Tritz imagined and more. In the span of a few months, he learned the language and began what would be his calling in life. He could not yet write in Chinese, but could read and understand the spoken word. Armed with those tools, he began teaching, and would set the pattern for his life. His vocation though was halted with the attack of the Japanese. It was a two-year head start before World War 2 began in Europe, and so the Japanese did not harm the Jesuits for they did not want to antagonize the French at this time. Fr. Pierre relocated to the Philippines, hoping to return to China one day.

When the war was over, China had changed and adopted a communist policy. Fr. Tritz remained in the Philippines, and eventually gained his citizenship during the Marcos era. During his stay here, he continued what he did in China: that is to teach and teach and teach. He was teaching at three universities, but as the years passed by, he had to give up one of them, especially in light of his health.

It was a book that originally inspired Fr. Tritz to pursue the life of a Jesuit in China. It would be another book that would inspire him to set up the foundation that is now known as ERDA. Receiving a copy of a digest given to guidance counselors, Fr. Tritz was shocked to find out that millions of children were uneducated and living in poverty. The advantage of the rich, he cited, was that they had kindergarten. The poor enters school at grade one, knowing nothing. Worse, few actually pay tuition or could afford to. All they have is whatever the government offers them.

Fr. Tritz was supported by the government and given permission to set up a 5-year high school. This high school taught a variety of skills, and one of the more important programs it had was on-the-job training. Once the students graduated, they had the skills necessary to find employment. And so began ERDA, which would later transform into a huge enterprise it is now, drawing aid from various people and volunteers.

When I was sitting in Fr. Tritz’s office, he had a photo of one of the students who were benefiting from ERDA. The student also gave a hand-written letter to Fr. Tritz, which he showed to me. Near his office were several stacks of boxes, each containing school supplies to be delivered to various parts of the nation. It would seem ERDA is successful in its goals, but Fr. Tritz remembers his roots. He tells me of various benefactors, such as Mr. Yuchengco, a wealthy but amiable man who supports and funds ERDA.

I leave the ERDA building, happy on one hand because of all Fr. Tritz has managed to accomplish, but disappointed as well considering how many Filipinos are still stricken by poverty and a lack of good education. As I rub off the shit I stepped outside ERDA’s gates, the one thing I am certain is Fr. Tritz’s sincerity. I mean a Jesuit could have been living in a more comfortable abode, yet the building in which ERDA resides is at the heart of the people they are trying to help. In front of me was a street littered with manure, dirt, and various street folk. The building itself, while sturdy, was unassuming, and could easily be mistaken for an abandoned warehouse.

Others might see outreach programs as a diversion, or perhaps a duty one needs to perform once in awhile, akin to attending Sunday mass. But here was Fr. Tritz, in his ninth decade, continuing an endeavor that might never be finished in his lifetime. For the man who’s survived the World War, migrated to a country half a continent away, and set up an altruistic foundation, he’s still working at it. I think I’ve caught a glimpse of what it is to espouse the Jesuit belief of magis, to strive for excellence, to strive for more.

[Essay] Friendships

2005-08-07T17:52:00.000+08:00

Vin and I were talking about friendships the other day and I was narrating how I often felt like a third wheel in most of the social circles I was in. For those who don’t know me, I don’t have a best friend, nor do I belong to a clique (or “barkada” as we call it in Filipino). Rather, I’m the guy who knows a lot of people (friendly acquaintances if you will), and perhaps the tragedy is that it stops there.

Not that it always began that way. I mean early on in grade school, I was a popular kid. I got high grades, I regularly had parties at home, and had a few sleepovers at my place with friends. But a part of me changed when I realized that I wasn’t being a good friend to those I was with. I mean when we were playing video games, for example, I always wanted to be one of the players and didn’t want to pass it on to other people. There was also the fact that yes, I was popular in school, but I was also teasing a lot of my other classmates. And I had a best friend at the time. Unfortunately, he was also a bully (more of the physical kind, not that he ever really hurt me physically), and shared my propensity for self-centeredness.

To put it bluntly, I don’t know what happened. The day I stopped teasing other people and started caring, the world around me changed. From predator I became prey. I faced the insults, the bullying, and the social isolation that kids were capable of. I survived, and found solace in the few friends that stuck with me.

And then I graduated from grade school, and three-fourths of the class weren’t my classmates anymore. Those that did remain my classmates were well, let’s just say that they weren’t exactly my top ten choices. High school was filled with new discoveries, new challenges. Unfortunately, few people wanted to be my friend.

Vin was mentioning that in maintaining and making friendships, one has to take a proactive stance. You shouldn’t just depend on the other person to keep in touch with you. In high school, I was very active to the point of annoyance. I talked to a lot of people and tried to be their friend. Unfortunately, no one in class truly wanted me. They had formed their own social circles, their own cliques. At best, I was at the fringes, tolerated but not invited. There’s always group activities in school. You know that feeling when classmates immediately know who to team up with? I was one of the rejects, the clumsy kid you usually picked last during a sports contest. And so I drifted into various groups, never truly belonging to any one team. I tried insinuating myself into their cliques, but I was merely rebuffed. I tried opening myself up to them but they didn’t care.

And so for four years I attempted that. But by my last year, I knew it was a futile effort. In a soap opera, I was the guy who courted the girl, but the girl was in love with someone else and would say that we could still be friends (and he’d help the girl nonetheless despite knowing the fact that they could never be together). I was accepted up to a certain point, but never brought in. I was the person you could rely on if you needed something, but not the person you invited to your birthdays, to your celebrations. And true enough, this would be the pattern in the various organizations I would be part of in the future. Of course I was foolish back then, and perhaps my weakness was that I was too eager to befriend people to the point that I was “clingy”. Which as you know, turns off some people, and makes them less trusting of you. So if I lacked good friends back then, it wasn’t due to the lack of effort but perhaps too much of it. And people who would call me friend always kept me at a distance.

Graduating once again, I had a paradigm shift. But the results were still the same. I was a bit more amiable, a bit more friendly, and perhaps a bit more cunning. Unlike in the past where I was mister unpopular, now I was the guy who knew everyone. Yet the same problem persisted. I was kept at a distance, never truly having close friends. Lots of friends, yes. Close friends, no. So many of my weekends were lonely, and school actually gave a comforting aura because I was around people. Honestly, when you’re in college, making friends is easy. They’re all around you. And because you’re all facing common adversity (i.e. terror teachers, difficult schoolwork, merely belonging to the same class), there’s something you can talk about and one doesn’t need to be shy about approaching other people. Compare that to the real word, where you don’t talk to the stranger sitting beside you in the jeep, or the person you come across at the supermarket. The only place where you’re perhaps forced into forming friendships is the work place. Aside from that, you revert to your old habits, and party with the same set of friends you previously had.

Of course nowadays, I can’t say I’m brimming with effort to deepen friendships. When somebody asks me how was my day, I reply with a generic answer of “okay lang” (just fine), mainly because explaining the trials and tribulations would take too long, and I feel I shouldn’t burden other people with all my worries and complaints (that’s what reading my blog is for). Or at least if they’re sincere about it. How do I know if the other person is just finding an excuse to make casual conversation, or if they’re really interested in my day. The other reason why I reply with such a generic answer is because of confidentiality issues. Suffice to say, there are some stories I can’t tell other people because they’re not my right to do so (case in point: as a call center agent, you can’t really talk about your clients because that’s a breach in protocol; the best rant I can do is talk in vague motions, but nothing really specific).

Not that I’ve stopped being friendly to people. In fact, I’ve made a few new friends over the past year. But the fact is that I’m usually at the periphery, and no one wants to take the risk of deepening the friendship. On my part, I don’t want to take on the role of the uninvited guest, because I’ve played that part too often in the past, and all you get are disgruntled people. And perhaps the other factor that’s impeding me is the fact that I’ve developed a reputation. Sure, some people like me. But a number of people hate my guts, or hate my habits, or have reasons to dislike me (whether justified or unjustified). Just look at my friend’s list in livejournal. A number of people there hate me. But I add them to my friend’s list anyway, because to tell the truth, I don’t usually break the relationship. It’s usually other people who do so. Offhand, I can only remember one incident where I was the one responsible for breaking off with the other person. As for the rest, it’s usually the other side that gets mad at me, gets angry, or simply stops being my friend because their friends got mad at me.

Moral of the story? Well, it takes two to tango when it comes to forming deep relationships. I mean I could be the most amiable person in the world, but if the other person is unwilling to accept me, then there’s no friendship. Vin says you can win them over with persistence. Well, that’s true. But the opposite can also happen: they’ll get so annoyed with you that from mutual acquaintance you’ll turn into a pariah. And of course, even if you’re already friends with someone, unless you take the time to keep in touch, that relationship will eventually drift. People change, after all, and it’s the gradual changes that we can live with. When you keep out of touch with someone, you’ll one day discover that he or she is a totally different person. And perhaps another fact I want to tell is that people’s perceptions should change as well. I mean people do change, yet more often than not, the way we treat other people is as if they were static. I mean personally, I’ve grown and matured. Some people who dislike me before have seen the changes and have grown to accept me. Some still perceive me as the foolish kid I still once was though. And the opposite can be true as well: a person might have been a good friend to you once, but now, they’ve changed whether for the better or for the worse. The relationship shouldn’t remain static but change appropriately as well.

A fitting end would perhaps be my experience just a few hours ago. On my walk home, I passed by Robinsons Galleria to take shelter from the rain. A Chinese boy, with pale skin and shaved head, looked at me and started following me. He eventually came up to me and introduced himself as Allen. What’s your name, he asked. Charles, I said. Can I be your friend, he asked again. By now, I was suspecting he was a retarded kid or something (and his speech pattern didn’t help him either, because they were far from fluent). I hesitated, but I eventually said sure. He then asked me more details, such as where I was heading and where I lived. Of course I remember the warnings parents usually give to their children: don’t talk to strangers. And so I answered truthfully but vaguely, mentioning that I was walking home and that I lived in Mandaluyong. I asked him whom he was with and he said his companions were at the basement. By now, I was eager to get rid of him. Honestly, I appreciate the gesture. But why did he choose me of all people? I suspect it’s because he has nothing else to go on but by appearances, and by my appearance, I looked like one of his kin: that is, a fellow Chinese.

Before I walked out of the building, he eventually left me and said goodbye. We shook hands and I was only too eager to be away from him. Perhaps we’re not so alone in the world as we think we are. There are people willing to be our friends. The problem with us (and me in this case), I think, is that we choose our friends. We don’t accept who’s available, but rather pick the ones we think we deserve. It’s much like courting a girl: you think is the perfect one for you. Unfortunately, her opinion greatly differs from yours. And you have this friend, waiting patiently for you at the outskirts. But we ignore her, because we think she’s not the one for us. Sometimes it’s true. Sometimes… we’ll never know. Stranger friendships have been born out of stranger circumstances.

Jam 88.3 Neil Gaiman Interview (with annotations)

2005-07-16T00:06:00.000+08:00

Thanks to May Anne who posted a link from Nocturne which had an audio file of the Jam 88.3 interview.

Erin*: First of all, hi!

Neil: Hello.

Erin: So how do you like the Philippines here so far? How was it for you?

Neil: I think I probably have an odd perspective on the Philippines right now. Because while I think it’s wonderful, all I think of when I think of the Philippines is three thousand people shouting very loudly to express their enthusiasm and signing the people until 1:30 in the morning. They’re so nice, they’re so enthusiastic and they’re so terribly terribly terribly terrifyingly happy.

Erin: As you probably know by now, you have a lot of fans here. So who is your favorite writer, or what is your favorite book?

Neil: That’s such a hard one. I just bought a book in Italy that I’ve been looking for for some years and I’ve been looking for a copy called Codex Seraphina which is a book by an artist and it’s written in a language that doesn’t appear to bear any relationship to any alphabet that any human being has ever come up with and it’s filled with drawings that make no sense in a glorious way because they appear to make sense. There are plants and a people who, and things that seem some kind of wonderful book that fell here from another planet. And I’ve been looking for one for ages, I’ve heard about it and copies are very few and far between. I finally found one in a tiny bookshelf in Balonia Italy. And right now that’s my favorite book just because it could be anything. I look at the pages and I make up stories, anything that causes me to make up stories is good. But somebody in Singapore asked me if I had to run into the house to save any book, what would it be. And that was scary because I got thousands and thousands of books, many of which I love and, but I thought you know, I’m probably gonna rescue would be a book that I bought in a very old house where they had, three times a year they’d sell books absorbed converted hospital. And the old man who ran it, Mr. McCosh**, looked like Santa Claus’s anorexic older brother. Long white beard and gaze at you over his spectacles. He sold books and every single time it’ll riddle in awe and show at cubicle had been filled with shelves and put books. Three times a year the public could come in. And I was wondering around there and I found a book that was, about two feet long, one foot thick, huge thick leather cover, about a hundred and fifty years old, and when I opened it, it turned out to be like an account book. Writing business accounts in and it was numbered pages, number one to five hundred. And each page sat flat and it was this book from the 1850s and it was completely unwritten in, and I bought it promising myself one day I would write a book in it. And I haven’t dared yet, even making a mark upon the paper. I think I’d rescue that.

-commercial break-

Erin: A lot of people say Delirium was based on singer Tori Amos. Is there any other character that has been created by you that was based on anyone else that you know of?

Neil: Well you know, you sort of, you always steal little things from people. I mean Delirium, lots of people do know that Delirium is based on Tori, but that’s not actually true because I did not actually meet Tori until, I was writing I think I was in the middle of A Game of You when we actually met for the first time. But I met her, and it was like, oh my God, you’re my character! I know you! And after that, I cheerfully installed things that she said and give them to Delirium. My favorite was, once, when we were in, we met in Minneapolis and we were up in her room eating pizza sitting on the floor and she suddenly looked at me and she said, yeah we must jump up and down, up and down, and run around and around. And so we jumped up and down on the bed twenty minutes, that’s what we do. And my new novel, Anansi Boys, for example, there isn’t a character in it who’s based on my friend playing Henry***, who’s an English comedian and actor. But the novel itself wouldn’t exist if I wasn’t friends with Henry and if we hadn’t chatted and if I didn’t have his sort of voice at the back of my head. So Anansi owes a lot to him. There’s an evil agent named Graham Coats who is flat-out naughty character I ever created, who owes an awful lot to an ex-agent of mine, who was not actually as far as I can tell a particularly evil person, that was just completely useless. But there was this point when I started thinking, what if she wasn’t useless, what if she actually been doing this stuff intentionally? What if, actually she was just completely and utterly incompetent. But if she’d been evil, and if the money had been going off to the Canan Islands or something, and then I started creating this marvelous agent who was, you know, built more of his, built more of his plans facing overnight.

Erin: Last question. I’m just amazed by your writing style and how you phrase your words just right. Were most of them inspired from, when you talk to other people or do you just make them up in your head?

Neil: Mostly, they come out of my own head. Every now and then, somebody will say something wonderful and I’d remember it, and use it at the right time. In the film MirrorMask that I’ve been working on, probably the best line is actually stolen from a friend who, because it’s about a girl who works in a circus, and at one point her mother says to her, like all those kids out there, you really are ungrateful because all those kids out there, they’re watching and laughing and enjoying the circus. And she says well, I wanna run off and join real life. And that came out of a friend of mine who used to be in the circus and she told me that you know, it was easier for you people when you got to any big town because they’d run off to join real work. And I go okay, let me remember that. But mostly, the process of writing is a process of sitting and making things up and writing it down, and framing it up with a perfect line, and trying to come up with a perfect line for your character. I’m a great believer in the idea that good writing should be a simple and as elegant and used as few words and uses, you know, just be as elegant as you can possibly make it. I’ve never been a believer in using big words for the sake of impressing people. Especially because if you use big words for the sake of impressing people, you tend to do that thing where you actually wind up not quite knowing what that big word you used means and saying something that isn’t quite what you mean. Which I find a lot of American writers who have gone through their MFA’s and they are now, gone through their creative writing courses and yet reading these things, okay you don’t know what that word means. You think you do, but you’re wrong. You looked it up in a thesaurus, and it doesn’t mean that. I love the idea of communicating. I love the idea of people who, if people who read what you write are going to understand what you wrote, which I think gets even more exciting for you when you do something like a children’s book. Something like Coraline where you’re intentionally writing with a, not huge vocabulary, and you’re intentionally writing with words that, you know trust most a kid will learn while the rest of them will be a few cool words to learn and impress your brethren. But, it’s sorts of the way you deploy those words. And if you can just deploy them like, you can make people happy or you can make them cry or you can make them never forget something.

Erin: Thank you very much.

Neil: You are very welcome. Thank you.

-End-

* Also known as Nissie to her friends, Erin wrote a book review for Coraline which won her this contest. She’s cosplayed the character Death in a local convention, and her hobbies include reading, gaming, drawing, writing, web design, and stitching.

** Mr. Melvin McCosh was a bookstore owner (hence the extensive book collection) from Minneapolis. The place is actually the Svithoid Home, a former retirement home that did not have enough rest rooms which caused the health department to close it down, after which Mr. McCosh moved in. During Mr. McCosh’s residency, it was a 42-room mansion filled with stacks of books. He moved out in December 2004 and the place was demolished.

*** Referring to Lenny Henry, a friend of Neil who’s doing the audio book of Anansi Boys. He’s also won the BBC British Personality of the Year Award and the Edric Connor Inspiration to the Black People Award.

Partial NU 107 Neil Gaiman Interview Transcript

2005-07-14T20:40:00.000+08:00

Special thanks to Astrid, whose site I downloaded a copy of the radio interview, as well as the interviewers Ramon de Veyra, Erwin Romulo, and Quark Henares.

Unfortunately, my active listening skills aren’t as keen as I want them to be, hence I am not able to distinguish between the various interviewers, despite knowing them personally (well, I don’t think Quark remembers me…).

Neil: You know but I remember the first time I noticed, I don’t remember the first time I met her, but I do remember the first time I noticed you. She was, it was actually one of those why miss you’re beautiful moment. She’d had these dreadful glasses that did not fit her well and one day they got broken so for a week she walked around with no glasses on and suddenly, it was like whoa! She of course didn’t know that I was staring at her going whoa! She couldn’t see anything.

NU107: And you have tickets is that right?

Neil: That’s right. Michael, Holly, who’s twenty and a bit more [couldn’t understand] and is currently in South Africa, which is really peculiar, the idea of, you know a few days ago, I was in Singapore, on the phone to my wife who just got off the phone with my daughter who was in South Africa at a wild life park watching frog-shooting stars thinking the world is a much much smaller place than it used to be for a moment. And then there’s Maddy who’s the littlest one. And she’s ten and she’s really funny, she’s I think the one who may, probably most likely to turn into a writer herself if she doesn’t grow up to be a stand-up comedian. And I actually got to do something to impress her. I never impress her. Nothing I do ever impresses Maddy which is actually kind of fun. But we were in London a few weeks ago and we had dinner with a magician named Darren Brown who’s one of the best magicians in London, in England, and possibly the world. And Darren, when it was done, when it was over we went out for dinner, and Stephen Fry, the English actor and comedian from Black Adder, the voice of the book in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy came over to talk to Darren, and said this is Neil Gaiman, and Stephen Fry said oh Neil Gaiman! Yes, I’m a huge fan of yours, the era of the graphic novel has dawned upon us at last, has it not my boy? And he turns to Maddy and says and you young lady, shake my hand. What is your name says Maddy. I’m Stephen Fry. He goes away. It was very very sweet. And she looks at me and she goes I just met Stephen Fry and I didn’t let him know I thought that was the coolest thing in the world. Okay, I understand. Cool dad thing.

NU107: How old is she now?

Neil: She’s ten. And very very funny. The other cool thing that I’ve done for her, she became an Archie comic fan. And because I’m Neil Gaiman, when the people at Archie Comics found out that my daughter was a huge Archie comic fan, they put her on their complimentary comic list. I get the big complimentary comics from DC, and she gets the envelope of comics from Archie. She’s much happier than I am.

NU107: Would you ever do an Archie comic?

Neil: If she told me to, I would.

NU107: Really?

NU107: Has she read The Day I Swapped My Dad?

Neil: She has, she quites like it. To be honest, would I ever write an Archie comic? If it was a matter of impressing her, yes I would. But actually what’s much more likely is she’d go and write an Archie comic. And then they’d print it. And they can say Gaiman, cover, and it actually it would be Maddy, which would be much more fun.

NU107: All right. I have a fanboy question. You always talk about Alan Moore but you never really talk about the other Vertigo writers. Among your fellow writers in that imprint, what do you think of them actually.

Neil: The trouble is, for example, Pete Milligan, I only know very vaguely. You know, I know each other to say hi to, but we don’t really know each other very well. Garth Ennis and I like each other, don’ know each other well. Grant is a good friend of mine, Grant Morrison. And you know, whenever I’m in Glasgow I’d go out to dinner with Grant and, Grant is funny because I remember Grant. Again, I’ve known Grant now for twenty something years so I remember him. When I first met him, he was this very skinny guy, a little bit older than me, used to wear long trench coats, and had this huge muck of black hair. And that’s always how I think of him. And incredibly shy you know. You couldn’t hear for the first three years of knowing Grant, you had to lean in really close to hear what he was saying because he’s spoken in this very precise little Scottish accent very very quietly, (in Scottish accent) and it would just come out with these stories for Baman and out for Sandman where I got Batman in drag butt-fucking the Joker and that kind of thing they do.

NU107: (extreme laughter) NU!

Neil: So in Singapore, this would have got you off the air, and we’d all right now be, the police would be, we’d all be on the way to jail.

NU107: We’d all be getting butt-blanked. (laughs)

Neil: That’s the kind of thing Grant would say, to be the terribly wonderfully appalling thing in a very precise such thing and very very quiet. Didn’t say this isn’t Grant, Grant has begun this, shaven headed, chaos magician of the twenty first century you know, glittering creature of, and whenever I run into him, I ask him what are you doing now Grant? (In Scottish accent) Oh I’m now, you know, off to Iceland, or I’m giving these talks to major corporations on drugs and chaos magic and they’re uh, they’re paying me enormous amounts of money to come and just tell them they’re idiots. Okay.

NU107: That’s really interesting because that’s one of the common themes of Morrison’s work, is reinvention of himself. So I didn’t even know that he was... shy. I always thought—

NU107: He’s a rock star!

NU107: --shameless in the best sense of the word.

Neil: That’s the fun of knowing all these people for so long. You know, I knew Alan Moore before he was a magician.

NU107: How did you meet him?

Neil: I remember him, how did I meet Alan Moore? I sent him, I sent Alan Moore, I sent him—

NU107: Ghastly Beyond Belief

Neil: Very good. You done your homework. I sent Alan Moore a copy of my first ever book, which was a book called Ghastly Beyond Belief, the book of science-fiction and fantasy quotations which I wrote with Kim Newman, and I was a huge fan of his and I’ve been following his work, actually gotten several jobs beneath his nose I’ve gotten several jobs over his because he would say, who would do this. I’d say Alan Moore’s great, get Alan Moore. But fine, I had something out, I sent it to Alan, and the phone rang, and a deep noise after that, (deep voice) you bastard I just lost two days work reading your book. I just phoned up to say thank you. Really? And we were friends. It was one of those sort of incident-bonding moments and I was going to a horror convention in Burningham and I mentioned to Alan that Nancy Campbell and Clive Barker would be there. And he said, I wouldn’t really want to come unless I knew. I said I know everybody, I’ll introduce you. I turn up at the convention, I look up, there is something looking enormously like a yeti in a suit. Really nasty, red suit. I mean expensive, great looking thin shoes, high built, and then there’s this lush of hair, erupting. And that was Alan, incredibly devised and quite possibly the funniest person I’ve ever met. I don’t know anybody, I’ve met a number of great comedians and I think that Alan is funnier. But that was before he was a magician. And I remember when, he actually hasn’t changed. And he wears more rings and, a little bit wee thinner. But I do remember when he became a magician, it was his fortieth birthday and the telephone rang, and a voice said hi Neil, it’s Alan. Listen mate just phoning up to let you know that I just turned forty, and I thought you know, better have me midlife crisis early so I’m becoming a warlock.

NU107: (laughs) Grant practices magic and Alan does too, do you or?

Neil: Nah, I write. I think that’s all the magic I need.

NU107: Damn strange.

NU107: He’s one of the people who showed you how to write a comic script?

Neil: He did. I mean that sort of became rather blown up in context when people go, well Alan showed you, you know he took me somewhere and showed me the dark secret. It was actually during that convention I turned to Alan and I said, look I don’t know, what is a comic script? I always wanted to know. Come on, let me show you. He grabbed his notebook, and wrote page one, panel one. So you write it, and then you say whatever you see. We are all looking at a room with a man in it, and you write down everything in it that you possibly want the artist to know, and if somebody is speaking, you write their name. Luther, ow, that hurt. That’s what he says. That really hurts, do you wanna see? Meanwhile, and next pam! And that’s how you do it. And that was Alan’s, I mean comic script.

NU107: I can use this? [couldn’t hear next comment]

Neil: You can use that, you bring out a comic of your own. Ow that hurts. Luther’s cringing.

NU107: Well we’re going to end soon, sadly. But, okay the future. You’re doing a movie and that probably is, are you terrified or?

Neil: No, I made a short film a couple of years ago to find out what I thought of filmmaking. I made a short film about John Bolton, which in some ways is a documentary about artist John Bolton, and in some ways really isn’t. But I made it, essentially a small student film to just find out whether I liked directing. Because there are things I’m really good at, like making up stories, and there are things I’m completely crap at, like putting up shelves. And I needed to figure out. You know, is directing a film like putting a show or is it like making up stories? I just felt it was a lot more like making up stories. You had the power of because I say so, which was what I found frustrating when I write scripts for other people and you write a script and then you know, the point that I knew that Neverwhere, the British production of Neverwhere was doomed on CD was the point when I was talking to the costume lady. And she said, this is Doors Parker, her little, you know, pink parker. And I said but she’s gonna be wearing a big leather jacket. And the girl said yeah there’s too much leather in the show already. I thought, and in the script I wrote, she was the only person wearing any leather. And the costume lady looked at me like, you’re the writer. You know, I look after the director and we know what we’re doing. And it’s the power of because I say so. So what I love, you know what I really love, I think most of all about, you know the movie stuff is, you don’t have to like it. Nobody has to like it except me. But at least it’s what I wanted it to be. With Mirrormask, it’s a slightly different thing. Because with Mirrormask, it’s not my film. And there’s no point in it where I go, you know, that way because I say so, but I felt very much writing it, that I was just there to make, to visualize, to help Dave McKean. You know, Mirrormask is Dave McKean’s film from beginning to end. It’s his story. I got there, I got to work on him in his story, I got to part, part sample with him, I got to put together dialogue but it’s a Dave McKean experience with that sort of filming.

NU107: Has he done the casting already or?

Neil: Mirrormask is tied out.

NU107: I mean Death’s the nature?

Neil: Death with, it’s casting but it’s casting in that weird Hollywood way right now, which has nothing to do with, the weird Hollywood method of casting which has nothing to do with really who you wanted things and how, it had to do with, if you imagine that you need, let’s say, a hundred points in order to start your movie. You’re like collecting chips or dice or cards or something in order to start your movie, and you need a hundred of them let’s say. And you discover that you could have, actor A is 30, actor B is 40, and actor C is 50 and that gives you your hundred points and can start casting. But you don’t really want actor A, so you want, you know you want actor B, the actor, it’s the thing of getting to the point where you can get a green light for the casting job. And that’s really a lousy way of explaining, everybody’s gonna be going, we know he makes it. But you’re trying to accumulate enough points in Hollywood to get the green light. And that’s sitting at the back control at that point. Just okay, if you want actor A, you’re going to have someone more famous here in this part. Then you go, what if I? Sooner or later you have enough sort of oomph to get the movie actually happening.

NU107: You wrote the script for Death and you know, onwards. Was it, how, is it close to the book or did you expand it?

Neil: I obviously had to expand it because the joy, that was the joy of me, if you took Death: The High Cost of Living and you filmed it, you’d have a great thirty-seven minute film. Maybe forty minutes but it doesn’t get any longer than that. Because that’s as long as the serial is. So, which is why I was interested as opposed to Sandman, where the first thing you looked at is what do you draw out. You know, it’s too big. If you’ve done Sandman, you’d have a hundred hours of material to film.

NU107: They’re not bringing in script doctors to muddle the script a bit?

Neil: No, no. It’s just me.

NU107: Have the studios asked for anything, like to be put more [couldn’t hear] or something like that, are they interested in concepts so far?

Neil: Not so far.

NU107: That’s great.

Neil: We had one exec, we had one exec that was quite sure that it was the next Princess Diaries but then she went away and was replaced by the guy who did Lord of the Rings who understood what exactly this was and was completely happy with it.

NU107: New Line.

Neil: It’s with New Line.

NU107: Fantastic. Thank God for small world.

NU107: Do you have a final cut in the project?

Neil: No. You get final copies on the movie when you’re, you’re kinda in this position, you have to be, indeed you more or less have to be a Stanley Kubrick to get a final cut. I’m sure, I’m there.

NU107: (laughs)

Neil: I’m sure you still bag me because it is still a final cut but there’s not a lot of directors who have final cuts. At least at Hollywood by itself, you can always have final cuts on a smaller independent or you can do what Dave McKean did, and get final cuts on Mirrormask which nobody else has a clue how to make what he did, how to do it, or possibly to change it. There’s never money to do it anyway, so.

NU107: You were talking about Death, well we were talking about it, I just remembered Mad Hettie and all of these great characters and you’ve done a lot of really fantastic characters over the years. Which one, I mean, it’s probably hard to say, it’s like saying who your favorite kid is, but do you have any characters you made that you really identify with or really love?

Neil: I think when I was writing Sandman, the characters I identified with most were probably Lucien the Librarian and Mervyn the Pumpkinhead. They were actually, in terms of identification with characters, because the lovely thing, especially Mervyn, was that he was allowed to say any of those things that I was thinking could possibly write. So those moments where you go boy, you know, Morpheus is really just being a complete pain in the neck. You know, self-pitying teenage twerp there isn’t he? I can have Mervyn Pumpkinhead come on and say great, so I see what happens, he has a broken heart, and it starts raining here and we’re the guys who get wet and have to clean it up. That was always nice, having him around.

NU107: Well Morpheus is an interesting character in the sense that you know, he’s not really one you would really tend to like, you know. I mean you want to follow his story but he is yeah, a bit of a, you know, he always bitches about his past relationships and is giving everyone a hard time just because he’s having a hard time himself. So when you started, did you, did you know that the character would be going that way?

Neil: Oh yeah. No, I always knew that. For me the joy of him was trying to write a character who wasn’t human, who did not have a human value system, was completely in many ways self-absorbed, would always try and do the right thing if it was pointed out what the right thing was. But then had absolutely no, just didn’t have human values. And that for me was so much part of the fun.

NU107: Was DC ever scared that the character might be unlikable and you know, sort of...

Neil: Yeah, yeah yeah. No they, in the, they dumped my first outline for it and that was a big worry, would the character be liked and would be problematic and I sort of vaguely promised them that he would get a human girlfriend at some point, and they really loved that because they thought that would humanize the character, and I didn’t tell them any of the unfortunate consequences. I never told them that they would never actually see themselves. So when he actually did get a human girlfriend, it was actually between two issues and they broken up when you met them.

NU107: And he went the other one. He sent another one to hell. (laughs)

NU107: Sandman is one of the most epic thing you’ve ever done. Still, are you planning on doing some, I mean it’s probably very exhausting to do something so long, and so drawn out but are you planning on doing another?

Neil: By the time I finished, Sandman was about eight years of my life. Nine. It was actually from the point when I started writing Sandman to the point where it finished, it was, it was a solid nine years of something that was two weeks of every month when I began and six months of every month by the time I finished. And at that point I promised myself that I would basically just do things I could finish by tea time for awhile. I’m not yet at the point where I want to buckle down for another, you know, decade-long building or something. In many ways, I could probably do now in prose what I did in comics if I wanted to just because we’re now at the point where, between things like the Lemony Snicket books and the Harry Potter books, and to some extent Stephen King’s Green Mile, you now have an audience that actually, a book reading audience that actually understands the nature of serial fiction. Which of course was the complete joy of doing Sandman, it was serial fiction. It came out monthly. Having said that, the thing that I love about being a novelist right now is if I get to chapter six and I suddenly realize that I needed a gun in that drawer in chapter one, I can just go back and put a gun in the drawer in chapter one and nobody ever knows that it wasn’t there in my first draft. When I was writing Sandman, it was like this incredibly complicated game of, it was like playing a game of chess while jumping out of a parachute you know, out an airplane. Because if I got to issue thirty six and the gun was not in the drawer in issue three, it couldn’t be there in issue thirty six. Because everybody had already bought and read issue two. So, you’re always building in things for the future, knowing sort of what you’re gonna do, but not quite how it would work until you got there but having to plan ahead and it was sort of a strange sort of mixture of juggling, improvisation, and incredibly skillful planning.

NU107: So none of that for awhile I guess.

Neil: It’s nice right now doing things, I’m getting rid of other things. As I said, by the time I finished Sandman, I felt like I was sorely decent at writing comics I had the idea that there are some comics I could write or at least I was very good a writing Sandman. I’m now ,I’m enjoying writing prose for a bit and I’m just getting to the point, with Anansi Boys, it’s the first one that I actually look at and I go, I think you’re a fairly decent novel. American Gods won a million awards and was everybody’s favorite book except for the people who hated it but I still wasn’t sure that it really worked. There were a lot of things I would have liked to got better if I had five or six more years to work on it. And I didn’t. With Anansi Boys I think it’s good. It’s funny, it’s light, I wanted to write a book, especially after <>American Gods which is big and dark and gloomy. I thought we must write a book that would make people feel happier when they finished it. So it’ll be out in September.

NU107: At Fully Booked.

NU107: Fully Booked, Fully Booked. There you go. They have a lot of… Promenade, Gateway.

NU107: With a nice store in Rockwell.

Neil: Where I signed yesterday for hour, after hour after hour after hour. And right at the end we saw a hundred people who actually hadn’t passes or anything, hanging around really patiently in the heat, and I said okay, look if we just do one, if I don’t have to personalize anything, if it’s just one signature for each of them, I would do them. So we cleaned up the people who’ve been waiting.

NU107: Fantastic.

NU107: Yeah, last question then before we—

NU107: Ramon I think?

NU107: Go ahead.

NU107: I guess you’ve achieved so much already. What do you think is, what’s there left for you? I mean what excites you to achieve?

Neil: There’s nothing in the same way that they used to be. I don’t have that wonderful, sort of burning drive. It’s like the first time you get an award. When you’re a kid, and you read about things like the Nebula award or the Hugo award, it’s the coolest thing that you could ever possibly imagine and I can remember getting my first Hugo award for American Gods, and getting up there and giving a very short speech which began with a very rude word, and then me saying I got a Hugo. And it was the coolest thing that ever happened. And then I got my second Hugo for Coraline and then I got a Hugo for best short story last year. And now it’s like—

NU107: A Study in Emerald

Neil: A Study in Emerald.And now it’s like, this is really cool. I got three Hugo’s but I don’t actually have a burning desire anymore. I begun to two or maybe three Nebula awards, and I have. It’s great, and people say did you really won an Oscar or something? No, not particularly. I’ve got lots of awards that are really nice. It got to the point where my wife made me go get a special cabinet just to put them in because they were cluttering the place up and people would sit over them and stuff so now they’re going into a cabinet. There’s definitely no kind of, when I was little more than a kid working on Black Orchid and I finished writing Black Orchid I was in the early days of Sandman, maybe Sandman #1, #2, #3 at the outside I was working on, but I think I had just written #1. And I remember taking the plane to America and Dave McKean entrusted me with the art for Black Orchid to take it to America, to get it shot. And we didn’t have, there was no back-up plan. It hadn’t been scanned anywhere in England, I would always take it with me. And I thought you know, I really, I remember just being absolutely terrified, in the middle of the Atlantic when the plane would go down. And the Black Orchid arc they would never redo it, you know, they would just move on to the next thing and Sandman #1 they might bring it out they might not, but you know, nobody would really know what Sandman was going to be because even if they brought out this one comic as a memorial or whatever, that was the biggest thing I had intended, and should have been boy this would be really terrible if my whole career didn’t happen. And the plane went down. I’m not worried. These days I’m not worried when the plane it goes down. I left behind ,you know, a shelf of really cool stuff and three cool kids. And if I wind up, this looks more really interesting stuff that I wanna do, and lots more mistakes I wanna make. And I want to screw up and I want to do interesting stuff and maybe I’ll do, you know write something original that’s just going to be an audio book and maybe I’ll do this do that. But it’s, but there’s no feeling right now of having left something huge, unfulfilled. I’m a writer, most writers around the world can’t make a living writing. I just, the hard horrible fact of the case, writers do other things because we can’t make a living. And a writer has got to spend his entire adult life, being paid for making things up, and writing them down, and people giving them awards, and I arrive at places like the Philippines, and you know, I get this sort of micro, incredibly cheerful Nurenberg rally with this wall of sound and three thousand people just screaming and, people passing by going is he a rock star? No, he’s a writer. I mean how cool is that?

NU107: Yeah that’s like, Ed Sullivan. When you came in I wasn’t expecting (makes a sound, raaah!).

Neil: So right now you have all those people hanging around the lobby. Most of them with extra field books somewhere and maybe I’ll sign them as I go out.

NU107: If. Sorry.

Neil: No, it’s great. I’m incredibly fortunate. And I also know as I set up that rally, that most, in many ways it’s luck because I happen to write stuff that people like to read. And if they didn’t like to read it, I’d still be writing the same stuff. It’s not like I have a brilliant sense of the market place, it’s not like I was going, okay what the world really needs is Sandman, you know, twenty years ago what the world needs is a single Sandman, and then it will go huge, and then it will be ten volumes, and it will and then there’ll be this huge mandrake explosion and then everybody will pick up on it and then, you know, you don’t really think like that. I write the kind of stuff I like to read and that’s as simple as that. And you know with my children’s books sometimes I write the kind of books I either would have liked to read as a kid or like my kids to read. You know, it’s very very straight forward and people like to read it. If what was fashionable now was police procedurals, I’d still be writing the same stuff I write.

NU107: Or superhero comics. As you said, you have a hard time writing that sort of thing.

Neil: I’m rubbish at superheroes. I always cheat. I can, I can sort of, with Black Orchid, maybe I can do science-fiction and make it look like superheroes. And with Sandman maybe I can do cool, mythic horror weird stuff and make it look like superheroes. You know, with 1602, okay maybe I can do historical fiction and do a bit of superheroes.

NU107: Okay, there you go. A lot of people texted in they just want to say that you’ve changed their lives and they’re very very happy and some of them went to your book signing and just want to say thank you for being just the nicest guy.

Neil: That was so sweet. I sat on this morning and I probably had a hundred messages from people who’ve been to my book signing and all of them are the same. There were these lovely long messages saying when I got to the front of the line, I didn’t say. And then what they wanted to say when they got to the front of the line instead of breaking down into tears or squeaking can I marry you or whatever.

NU107: Thank you Mr. Neil Gaiman. Somebody texted and asking who are you interviewing? Are you interviewing David Bowie? For those who’ve just tuned in, we’re interviewing Neil Gaiman, not David Bowie.

NU107: Who has a signing yet this afternoon.

Neil: The Neil Gaiman signing, not the David Bowie signing.

NU107: Where’s the signing?

NU107: Fully Booked, Gateway. What time? 4:30, be there at the activity center right?

NU107: With three hundred people lined up.

NU107: Okay, don’t go.

NU107: Do go, but admire from afar, and buy the books, share the love. Send your psychic messages. Mirrormask the big hard bound, it just came out, Anansi Boys coming out in September. And you can get the whole Sandman library at Fully Booked. And Neverwhere.

NU107: Thank you to Jaime Daez and Gabby Delarama and Christian Sisima of NU who made this possible.

NU107: So what’s your last song sir?

Neil: I’ve been thinking about it. I think I was gonna play Horses but I think by Tori because that was the saddest song but I thought actually, another song because it’s completely inappropriate in every way. Papa was a Rodeo by the Magnetic Fields.