What can I say? It's a topic that's been taboo for me. Almost every male undergoes it (and I presume females as well), Catholic priests tell you to confess to them about it, and it's the topic of jokes on some sitcoms we watch. Despite all that, I could never have brought myself to write about it, which is why I'm doing so.
Because I studied in an all-boys school before college, all my classmates were open about the subject. There were all these jokes and anecdotes about it. For example, one said that he did it in the bathroom because it made such a mess and had an awful smell. Another guy would use condoms. And there's always the story about this guy who thought that the Hanson was female. For me, I'd rather just not say and stay out of those conversations.
Not admitting to doing it can be a problem. You'd be accused of being gay, and that's a big thing since Xavier was schooling conservative Chinese males (read: homophobia). If you didn't want to talk about it, they'd usually tease you as being one. People's curiosity amazes me. They sometimes want to know who you're masturbating, how many times you do it a day, and where you do it. Strangely, for a conservative Catholic community, my classmates didn't really think masturbation was a sin.
There are exceptions of course. Like me. I really think we should avoid it and not do it every single day. In grade school, my friend would tell me of how long he resisted the urge. He'd go on for a month only to go into the habit again. As for me, now a junior in college, I still can't manage to hold off the urge. I know it's a sin and all but sometimes, you end up doing it anyway. Admitting that is no easy feat.
A priest at our high school once said that there are three reasons why people masturbate. One was curiosity. I'm very well too old to be in that stage. The second reason is gratification. You've had a bad day and you want to get things off your mind so you masturbate. This happens to me from time to time. The third reason he gave was boredom. Yes, I've been recently bored but that's not a reason why I do it. It goes more like "I can't sleep and it's 1 am in the morning. I have class tomorrow at 7 so I really need to be asleep right now." Masturbation is draining so much so that after doing it, I feel quite sleepy. It's a pathetic excuse but sometimes, that's the only way I manage to get to sleep. Of course I don't like to do it because aside from the moral implications, it also leaves me exhausted the entire day. Twelve-hour naps are a result, and you know how much I hate wasting my waking hours. And of course, I sometimes feel horny and rather than have it subconsciously manifest itself tomorrow, I'd rather be done and over with it today.
On my part, I don't masturbate with "real" people. What that means is that I masturbate with fictional characters. Perhaps I read about them in a book or it's someone from an anime I saw. I don't want to imagine a real person since I feel that's lust. That fact lightens my conscience. A bit.
It all started when I borrowed a CD from my classmate in grade seven. It was full of games but it also had nude anime pictures. Well, what was a thirteen year old full of testosterone going to do then? A year later, I swore never to watch hentai. And so, I can freely boast that I've never watched any of those tentacle-infested hentai anime like Urotsuki Doji. A lot of my classmates have but not I, the "anime fanatic". Thank God only Pokemon is associated with anime nowadays.
I'm sure some of my classmates who might read this would be dumbfounded. I'm usually the student known for not cheating, the person who always speaks the truth, and the guy who usually does the right thing. While I may not be a religious person, I do try avoiding committing "sins" but I am still human. And if there's anything that motivates me not to masturbate, it's my love for the people I care about, especially my crush.
Monday, June 24, 2002
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