The Ultimate Pinoy Blockbuster

Warning: possible explicit language, exaggerations, untruths, fallacies, lies, parody, and sarcasm ahead, hence the disclaimer

Ambeth Ocampo made our history class watch a documentary on Jose Rizal last week. It was dull and not as informative, considering that there have been several documentaries made about our national hero. We were then required to make a reaction paper and one of the guide question was how I would direct such a documentary. That gave me the idea for the designs of the "Ultimate Pinoy Blockbuster".

Since GMA 7 is so proud of its award-winning movie Jose Rizal, perhaps it's only natural for me to make a film about our national hero as well. I mean that will give our movie some "depth" and "elitism". It will cater to the elite of our society, which actually isn't a lot. It will fool people into thinking that the movie actually makes sense.

Of course since we're so used to the concept that Jose Rizal is a national hero, maybe it'd be better if we change his image and instead make him appear less civil. A "bad boy" image would help, especially since the Baby Ama movies have managed to draw a crowd among the masses. It also would be historically accurate as well because it can be surmised that Rizal got into a lot of fights when he was a kid. To top the bad boy image we want to portray Rizal, casting Robin Padilla as the youthful version of the main character would be perfect.

When you think about it, Robin Padilla as Jose Rizal isn't such a bad idea. I mean Filipinos are too used to the serious-faced Rizal. Rizal had fun during his time and gave people a lot of laughs. I mean have you seen the picture wherein he was wearing a Cleopatra outfit? Or the other array of costumes he donned while posing for Juan Luna? Some humor wouldn't hurt the movie and since Robin Padilla is diving into the foray of comedy, the role would suit him perfectly. Filipinos, after all, must have satire.

Of course action and comedy will never sustain the entire film. I mean people nowadays are watching telenovelas no matter how often or predictable they occur. Rizal's life can be an ample source for some of that drama, especially since he doesn't lack lovers. Richard Gomez's good looks would suit the role of the "mature" Rizal for the film and he can have as many leading ladies he wants. Rizal has spurned a lot of women in his life so you can be sure that the movie can accommodate all the leading ladies he wants.

Speaking of leading ladies, this is probably going to be the only film that will have in its cast all the female bold stars: Asunta, Joyce Jimenez, Ara Mina, etc.... Whenever Rizal fled to a different country, he courted a different woman. This is the perfect plot device to put in all the beautiful women the Philippine movie industry has. Of course since we want the movie to earn money, we shall put in enough naked scenes so that it will warrant an X rating from the MTRCB. It actually wouldn't be too hard.

To show off Rizal's keen intellect, we'll include a game show sequence in the movie. Maybe Cristopher de Leon could host that scene and Rizal would suddenly earn enough money to publish his books. Let's also not forget to include Joleena, Ms. Jologs herself, the queen of the Philippine masses. She could play one of Rizal's nine sisters, or better yet, play them all. I mean Michael V. managed to play several characters all at once in his TV show. Why not Joleena?

GMA herself can play a role in the movie. She has been clamoring to be the "ina ng bayan" (mother of the country) for quite some time now. What better way to promote this than to be Jose Rizal's mother?

Of course a movie would not be complete without a soundtrack. Salbakuta anyone?