Saturday, March 07, 2009

The Real Reason…

One of my motivations for blogging is to get romance off my chest. I wouldn't call it falling in love. There's an attraction, a crush, and a feeble hope for something more.

Since this is public, I will not mention the details. You won't be getting the setting where I met her or her name. And it's precisely because of that why this won't necessarily make a good short story. I want this to be about the emotion and my mental processes rather than a narrative that anyone can appreciate. Call me selfish.

One question you might be asking is what attracted me to her. I'm honestly past that stage where physical attraction is the only thing that appeals to me. Not that my crush isn't beautiful. Admittedly I've met prettier girls (and arguably women whom I have a better chance with) but what draws me to her is the entire package: the way she stands, the way she talks, and the little nuggets of information I've managed to glean from various sources.

The clincher for me is that she's a reader and a writer. Eight years ago, I would have wanted a partner who has identical tastes and aesthetics as I do. Today, I'm still looking for some common ground, but I don't want a clone or a female me (although in a certain sense, I think some people are looking for that--remember that Seinfeld episode where Jerry dates a comedian and proposes?). They don't have to read the same authors as I do (much less like them) but I do want someone who's passionate about the arts.

This is where the self-deception part comes in. I know some facts about her but that's it. The rest is filled up by my imagination. In a certain way, it's like falling in love with celebrities. You know some things about them and you think they're the ideal partner for you. But what you don't know about them might be what turns you off or makes you incompatible with each other. As long as those nuances aren't discovered, there'll always be romantic potential between the two of you--or so you think.

At this point in time, my crush--or your ideal woman as the case may be--will tend to be more appealing the less information you know about them. You project the qualities you want or expect unto them. When was the last time you imagined a trait that's repugnant or discouraging when thinking of your crush? It's an unpleasant idea that breaks the fantasy. If you're just imagining your perfect woman, why would you insert imperfections?

Of course I'm not the person who wants to perpetually live the romantic illusion. I want to meet my crush and get to know her more. What is she really like? What are her other interests? What are her goals? Finding out is a double-edged sword. What if you don't like what you uncover, and this is horrible to those who want to sustain the feeling of being in love. Personally, what I fear is that what if I like what I find out, but all my attempts end up futile?

I'm twenty-six and I've been single for all of my life, but not for lack of trying. I did try to court someone during my fourth year in high school and it resulted in my first heartbreak. During my entire college year, I did court another girl, although admittedly half-heartedly during the last two years mainly because I was already spurned and rejected in the first few months (which involved not speaking to me, slamming the phone on me, and tearing a letter to pieces). But hey, I'm aware that with success, there's always the threat of failure.

Right now, I'm depressed because I can't communicate with my crush. And that's horrible because, well, there's no flow of information between us. I honestly don't know her (and vice versa) and what I instead have is a fictionalized version of her.

Yet the heartbreak and mood swings are real. I'm being haunted by a phantom of partially my own making.

The Artifice of Online Journals

I miss writing personal posts. It's not necessarily material that's engaging reading for other people (and likely to be labeled as "emo") but there's a certain sense of relief when you write in a journal.

Publishing your journal entries, however, is a different animal from simply keeping a diary and never showing it to anyone. Your post is out in the open for everyone to read and there are some material you don't want to divulge to the world. It might involve the confidentiality of the office, a criticism of someone in your social circle, or outing your crush.

A juggling act is involved as the freedom of privacy and the responsibilities of public posting are at a constant war with each other.

The option to make this a private post and never reveal it to anyone is available--especially with the innovation of blogs in the past few years--but here's an admission that I've always known. I crave attention and I want to be read. I want to gain your sympathy, your praise, your trust. On a certain level, it's personal propaganda.

But another reason I'm writing this is so that a year from now, I can look back at what I've written and observed how I've changed (or remained the same). And I don't want to do it by going through obscure file names and folders, or have to deal with lost back-ups and outdated hard drives.