Monday, February 18, 2002

On Writing (again)

Unlike the previous journal entry of the same name, I'm now writing this with a sane mind (i.e. wide awake and not sleepy). After a long hiatus of not writing, I have finally concluded the three occasions when I actually write.

The first situation when I write is when I absolutely must. While deadlines impose a pressure on you, they're helpful as they make sure that I actually get to do something productive? on time. Perhaps it's a term paper that needs to be submitted tomorrow, or an article for the school paper, or probably a group report. Whatever the situation may be, as long as there's a serious consequences, I find the will and time to write. Having said that, bonus work or personal pieces don't demand much from me so they're the ones most likely to be left unwritten. One example is this BLOG. Since this is merely a hobby of mine rather than the focus of my entire week, several days has passed since it was last updated. Of course if this thing was to be graded, it would probably have been updated twice a day (well, maybe not twice a day?).

The second circumstance when I write is when I'm sad. People that are familiar with me should know how gloomy I often am. Having said that, that explains why I have some written work out there that's not demanded from me. I don't know why but when my emotions are engaged in conflict, I'm encouraged to write. Part of it is for relief. Another part is just for the heck of it. For some strange reason, I have a certain "clarity" when I'm in turmoil. I see things in a better way. Want an example? Well, whenever a potential friend is angry at me, I begin to understand what they're feeling and why. Two years ago when I was still chatting in the Pinoy Otaku channel, a lot of people disliked me. Some were deserved since I am prone to releasing my depression there and others are just the result of plain mistrust. Take Chrystel's reaction to me for example. I was once a good friend and almost became her prom date. Now, she doesn't even reply to my emails. I can't help but wonder why. Several possibilities entered my mind. Is it because the rest of Pinoy Otaku dislike me? Maybe it's because I'm too generous and she thinks I have other intentions. Or perhaps she just thinks of me as a flirt. Another possibility is that she's freaked out I'm a stalker but then again, I give the famous line of mine that I'm a stalker whenever I meet someone. As to why she's feeling that, it's simple: she doesn't understand me and that boggles her. Better safe than sorry. I don't think I should keep his company. Maybe he's expecting something in return which I'm not willing to give. If I befriend him, others will probably dislike me too. The possibilities are endless. Yet I can write about them.

The last occasion I write is when I'm inspired. That doesn't happen often though. Maybe it's an extremely good story from a film or a book. Or perhaps it's something I read, whether it's an essay, a poem, or even a webpage. I'm not limited to mere words also. Perhaps the layout of a particular magazine amazes me so much that I'm instilled to write. It could also something that happened during the day, like spending quality time with my crush. Or even as simple as making a new friend. The reason why I wrote this entry is because I was inspired by what I felt. My crush's last email to me left me in a gloomy mood. I don't know what to tell her. I feel so helpless. But never too helpless not to write about it. Of course I should have written this yesterday when things were still fresh. Which made me think when I write and why I write.

Life is never simple. The same goes for writing.

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