Tuesday, July 02, 2002

A Double Edge

Sometimes, seeing my crush isn't something I look forward to. You might think I'm crazy for saying that. I mean a crush is someone you always look forward to seeing. Well, I do look forward to seeing her. However, there are just times when you crush doesn't want to see you or you know seeing her could prove disastrous. And when that happens, I'm torn between two conflicting emotions. Choosing can be a big ordeal.

For one thing, there are times when people should be left alone: sometimes when they're studying, when they're mad at you, when they're exhausted and busy, etc. At these situations, I can be selfish and try to approach my crush. Of course what you end up with is a frown and a person in no mood to converse.

Another time is when they see you too often. People sometimes mistake me for a stalker because I run into them all the time, as if I was conspiring to meet them every single day. Well, be it coincidental or not, it might be helpful to disappear from sight. The last thing you want is for them to be fed up and irritated at your ever-constant presence. You don't want to be mistaken as their shadow.

Lastly, there are also times when seeing your crush could prove fatal for you. When you see her, you're bombarded with emotions of depression and jealousy. I used to lament the fact that she didn't like me, or sometimes think how lucky some of her classmates can be as they can be with her all the time.

Of course, there are also times when you just can't stand not being near your crush. For me, not being able to help my crush when I can is tormenting. For example, I remember my crush trying to solve a physics problem that I knew how to solve. Of course she was mad at me at the time so I couldn't sit beside her, explain to her the problem, and help solve it.

Another time is when I see them all alone, a lone tree in a vast desert. I just want to go up to her and keep her company, at least until her classes start or someone comes by. However, I remember not being able to do that because she was still mad at me. It really tore my heart to pieces. Of course I did the next best thing: found one of her friends to keep her company.

Still, there are rewards in the rare moments I'm with her. We get to talk and know more about each other. I think that's one of the most satisfying things for me, for a person to share their stories with others.

I also try to make her smile as often as I can. When I see that pretty expression on her face, my day feels complete. Nothing else matters and I decide the risk I took in talking to her was well worth it.

Seeing and not seeing my crush has its ups and downs. It's hard for me to find the delicate balance between the two, and resist the temptations at the same time. Fear is also a factor that I constantly try to conquer. No matter how many times I've been disappointed in the past, I constantly try to approach my crush. Sometimes it pays off and sometimes, it ends up a good story to tell.

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